8.3 - The Tunnel (wait, is that a light?)

"Umm… Everything okay there, Matsu-kun?"

Oonishi-san's voice. Probably the last person I wanted to look this uncool in front of. I moved a little to lift my head up, but he gently tapped on my hair. "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to force yourself. Stay as you are."

I had no reason to refuse. I didn't want to face him anyway.

"Though… Would you like to talk about it? I'm here for you, I can listen."

I grumbled. He didn't catch it, so he asked me to repeat. I spoke a bit more clearly.

"Alright. But are you sure about it."

He chuckled softly. "Woah, is it that bad that it'll make me regret my offer? Speak up, do your worst~"

I only considered it for a few moments. I was already humiliated as hell, so I thought I might as well tell it as it was. I took a deep breath, and listed everything in one go.

"I went to an anime con, fell in love with a random cosplayer I don't know the identity of, and I couldn't find them ever again. I'm depressed and everything reminds me of them. I mistook a random stranger in the convenience store to be them. I'm so embarrassed. I kinda want to perish."

A long silence. Yeah, of course, what could such a cool and charismatic man like him think that this was anything but pure nonsense? No wonder he was left speechless.

I finally raised my neck and sat up, though my head was still hanging low. "I'm sorry… I'll pull myself together. Please forget about it." He raised his eyebrows. "Hold up! We haven't even found solutions for your situation yet."

Huh.

"Um… You don't think that I'm the most ridiculous fool on planet Earth, Oonishi-san?" Hearing this made him laugh. If it were anyone else, I'd assume they were making fun of me, but since it was the since and kind Oonishi-san, I knew it was a hearty laugh. "Haha, my lack of a quick response was because I was stunned at how fast you talked. You sure you wouldn't make a good rapper?"

I smiled. "Heh. If I know anyone with hidden rap abilities it'd be my friend Mayu." I explained that her uncle was the famous rapper/music producer Shizuki. He was greatly shocked. "Eh?! What—are you for real? Do tell me more about this friend. Sometime later of course, now it's your time."

Now that the topic was back to me, I didn't know what to say. Seeing this, he started questioning me. "Soo… did I get this right? You met this person at the anime con. Did you talk back then?"

"Not exactly… They only said one thing to me… and left."

I felt my face blush a little.

"But I was completely enticed."

He nodded with a long, understanding 'oooh' exclamation. "So that's how it is. You wouldn't even know their name like this. Do you know their gender at least? Not that it matters much, just curious."

I explained that it was the cosplay of a prince, but it was common to cosplay the opposite sex, so there was no certain way of knowing. "They had an androgynous voice, and a tall build. Most likely a bit taller than me. I really… don't know. It was such a short moment, too…" I hid my face behind my hands, frustrated with myself. "This is so stupid… I know you must be thinking that as well, Oonishi-san!"

He shook his head and put on a serious expression. "Matsu-kun, listen to me."

Woah… I got instant chills at how his voice sounded. It was unusual for him to have such a voice tone. "I don't see how any of this is stupid. Do you have such an impression of me because I don't date? It doesn't matter, I know how you might be feeling. I used to feel pretty lonely, too."

My ears perked up, I was always eager to catch a glimpse at the private life of my charismatic coworker. I was a bit surprised at him knowing loneliness, too…

"All human beings wish for a special connection. We are insatiable beings full of desire, and that desire comes in many shapes and forms. There's no shame in looking for a romantic connection, that kind of loneliness is very much understandable… I personally don't desire it, but if that's what your heart yearns for—of course it will hurt not to have it!"

Some of our coworkers had taken notice of the scene and they were now listening, too. But I felt no shame—I was too focused on Oonishi-san's words.

"I used to have a vacancy in my heart as well, and it had this very… specific shape that people around me couldn't fit into. It was neither their or my own fault. It just existed in its own way, causing a lot of pain and discomfort inside me. Your heart… maybe your heart has such a vacancy too, and that stranger happened to fill it nicely in that short time. Since they left right after, it's no surprise it hurt even more afterwards. Because now you have become fully aware of that vacancy."

Oh, did it hurt.

"Oonishi-san… You're amazing. Yeah, that's exactly how it felt…"

He nodded knowingly and kept on talking.

"And you wanna know how I handled this hole in my heart? I accepted its existence, but I didn't let it define me. I acknowledged my desires, all the while focusing on myself. Because the truth is, if you latch on people to fill in the void, you'll lose yourself in the process. That's not good. You should show up as yourself in any type of relationship, first and foremost. Once I realized that, I shifted my focus to my own self improvement, hobbies and the existing people in my life… and before I realized, I had met two of my best friends. They were what my heart had been yearning for all that time. If I had kept on looking around for a quick filling to the hole in my heart… We probably wouldn't be as close. It would be very much possible that I'd develop some unhealthy obsession with them. And honestly, that's not love."

I looked down. He was… right. I didn't think this was 'love' anyway.

I wish my heart thought so, too…

"My advice for you, Matsu-kun…" He patted my shoulder. "It must have been an intense experience, finally encountering someone who fit into that uniquely shaped vacancy. There's nothing to be ashamed about. But considering that you don't know who they are, and it… seems to be negatively affecting your well-being… Isn't it time to shift your focus back to yourself?"

It was the time for that, in fact I was plenty late for it. But…

One of the other coworkers spoke up. "Matsushima-san…" It was one of our newest employees, working at the graphic design department. "Please forgive me for barging in. But I think I agree with Oonishi-san. It must have been an intense and shaking experience. If you accept that and be kind to yourself, you will be able to heal up quicker… Please, if anything—just don't call yourself an idiot or such things! Show yourself some mercy, your feelings are totally valid!"

Oonishi-san brought his arms in front of him and nodded in agreement. "Absolutely. Now that you know what's going on, you can accept and let that person go for the time being. They showed you a valuable lesson: you now know what exactly you yearn for. The next step is to keep on living just the way you are—and you never know what kind of people you'll meet along your life journey. You will love, and you might even develop new vacancies to fill, but before all of that: please know that you're already a loved, beautiful person. You bring so much good to the world. You should acknowledge your desires, but don't ever neglect the good you already hold within you."

I was not one to cry, but… I could feel my eyes burn at the kind words of my coworkers and the gentle, sympathetic gazes of our audience surrounding me.

"Oonishi-san… Everyone… Thank you… U-Uugh…"

I had let out a funny sound at the end due to my emotions, making everyone chuckle. They wished me good luck in their own ways.

"You go, kiddo! You have your whole life ahead of you."

"Who knows? If you're meant to be, maybe you'll meet that person again."

"I feel you, I once couldn't get a stranger I saw on the bus out of my mind for a solid year…"

I smiled. I wasn't alone. I never was. And if I were a fool, it wasn't for having feelings—rather, it was because I believed that I was all alone in this.

Oonishi-san stood up. "Well, I guess we should get back to work. I hope you feel better now, Matsu-kun." I bowed deeply to him, which ended up flustering him. "Oi oi oi, what's this now? All I did was tell you my own experience~!"

I grinned widely. "And that meant the world to me, Oonishi-san. So let me tell you my deepest thanks." He shook his head in a theatrical way. "Oh, you… Fine fine, here I go, I'm receiving your thanks~" He pretended to catch things up in the air, making me laugh. Before he left, he turned to me one final time and said, "Oh, right. How about treating yourself to something you have always wanted to do this weekend?"

Something I always wanted to do…?

Oh—I knew what it was.

Now that I was armored with stronger resolve, yeah, it was time.