9 - Healing (slowly, but surely)

Now that I felt that the end of this dark tunnel wasn't as far away as I initially thought, I could take more confident steps forward. Of course, a big part of it was thanks to the illuminations people around me held—for me to see ahead.

It's not like I immediately felt better. But even the slightest spark was enough for me to set things into motion.

I made a list of things that were sure to help me, and of course, the things that I shouldn't do for the time being were also included. Starting from a social media break. It was very often that I'd see something, anything and spiral hard. Literally every single thing in the world had the potential to remind me of my 'miserable state', so…

Yeah, a break would do me good.

As for things that I should do, I thought that it was finally time to go for a fashion makeover. I asked Mayu if she'd like to go shopping, but as expected, her reply was that she was still busy, but she'd circle back to me as soon as she'd become available. Even though Oonishi-san had suggested that I treat myself right this weekend, shopping would be much, much better with her energy around, so I didn't mind waiting.

Meanwhile, I tried to slowly reintroduce myself back to my hobby. It'd be a lie if I said that seeing all the new chapters piled up on my manga reading apps during my absence didn't make my heart excited. I had missed my dear babies. I scrolled through the app, and muttered, "I'm sorry that this Yuuma-kun was so foolish."

Wait, no—I wasn't allowed to say that now, was I? Yeah, everything had happened for a reason. That's why, whenever I read a manga series and something sweet and romantic happened, I'd remember Oonishi-san's words and thanks to that, I wouldn't go on a 'jealousy-induced-bad-thoughts-rampage'. Instead, I saw it as an opportunity to learn about myself. What made me happy? What set my heart on fire? What kind of situation made my soul dance? What didn't really make me feel anything good in particular? I took note of them inside my mind, and sincerely wished to experience something similar one day.

Oonishi-san was right: I now knew exactly what kind of things I desired, but I didn't let it consume me. I looked ahead, and nowhere else.

I had also discovered that there were actually many other things that somewhat fit into that uniquely shaped hole. When I danced to my favorite songs, I'd momentarily forget about the aching. Or while losing myself in a voice call with some online fandom friends. Or going for a morning walk on the weekends. Something about taking in the fresh and cool air filled not only my lungs, but that vacancy as well.

So here I was, on a relatively cool June morning, taking a walk in the nearest park to my home, filling my entire being with that refreshing air I favored so much. With every step, with every breath, I could feel all my tiredness melting away, and being replaced with fresh energy. The birds and their beautiful choir helped me as well.

Ah. My heart did feel full.

After twenty minutes of walking, I positioned myself on a bench. It was a little bit damp from dew (or perhaps from the watering of the surrounding grass), but it didn't matter. I had decided that this day would be the day that I'd get back to writing—for my own pleasure, and not for work. I had some character ideas, and I couldn't wait until I got them on paper!

I wanted to try and make my own idol girl group. Their names, their quirks, their hobbies, their birthdays, their looks—there was so, so much to determine! Of course, I was no artist so the visual aspects would be settled with the help of internet fashion boards and custom doll dressing up games, but even those were a lot of fun to play around with, so there was no issue.

Honestly speaking… I didn't quite feel ready yet to go back and work on my incomplete romance novels and fanfictions… And that was alright. Fiction wasn't just about that genre, there were so many other things I could create. Since I really loved idols, it made sense this was my first stop!

It made me feel a bit emotional, remembering how Mayuyu and I used to create magical girls together all the time during our childhood. I'd make up their stories and she'd make their designs—whenever I needed some quick inspo, I still looked at them from time to time and marvelled at how interesting and professional they were, despite us being mere elementary schoolers! Hoping that my adult self could create such charming characters as well, I got lost in my own would of creation. I was so lost that the only thing pulling me back to the world was the sudden entrance of a woman's voice into my ears. The voice was an angry one.

I lifted my head up towards the direction of the voice, and saw that it was coming from a woman on the phone. She was arguing with someone, walking hastily towards my direction. "If it were so, why the hell didn't you inform me sooner?!" She was hurrying out of the park, I suppose it must have been a very important topic, considering how she didn't even think about how loud she was being in this otherwise peaceful and quiet park. Remembering how I myself had a 'losing my temper in public' moment before, I looked down when she walked past me. I didn't really want her to think I was looking at her because I was judging.

I guess it was just the author's habit that I found great interest in observing people in various stages of heightened emotions. Listening to her words (which I'd end up hearing even if I weren't paying much attention), I deduced that she was having an argument with her partner about some undisclosed plan he had made on his own, expecting her to know somehow, without telling her.

Well… I guess this was a reminder for me that love wasn't all flowers and sparkles. Something inside me said "hey, at least people have someone to fight with!" but I shushed it immediately. I silenced any unwelcome thoughts and returned my focus to the notebook open on my lap.

About two hours later, I proudly gazed over my work. I had made three idol girls so far, and they all had their info ready. I chuckled to myself. Oh, I could make this a habit.

Next weekend, the idols had multiplied twice in amount, and I found myself coming up with additional details with each sitting. By the third weekend, I had an entire idol group of twelve girls!!

Needless to say, their visuals weren't exactly settled; I'd need Mayu's guidance for that. But with the help of online doll dress-up games, I had some rough designs for my girls—no, daughters!

On top of my writing adventure, my girls inspired me to try my hand at drawing. During my work breaks, I would try to sketch around and I was… awful at it. But, to my surprise, drawing was super fun even if I royally sucked at it! I especially enjoyed drawing the hairstyles of my girls, but their faces… came out so wonky. I figured that if I ever had my own manga series, I'd need to collaborate with someone who could actually do this thing.

Man… Artists are so amazing.

I found it extremely powerful to have the ability to just… bring whatever is in your mind onto paper. Well, of course, from reading interviews of my favorite manga artists, I knew that it never went this smoothly.

Still! As someone who could only somewhat doodle girls facing left, I had immense appreciation. At least their girls wouldn't look like their faces were melting towards multiple directions!!

Even with my clumsy drawings and idol girls no one knew about other than me, I could feel my heart gently heal up. Slowly, but surely…