The Supper, Part II

Their mother screamed. Rian and Dave stood up. Around them, tables turned to see what the fuss was about.

Pregnant?

"Pregnant," said Conan. His voice shook. "When is it due?"

Orla's eyes were wet as she hugged Fiona. "End of spring."

Conan thought someone had punched the air out of his lungs. He closed his eyes. He could feel the tears rising. He was euphoric. He was, right? So why did he want to cry?  Who would be shitty enough to be sad when their sibling was expecting?

For fuck sake Conan grow the fuck up.

Something cold and wet touched his leg under the table. He jumped. It was Sassara's feet. That made him chuckle despite his uneasiness.

He looked up at her face. Her worried gaze. Rian had kept an eye on Conan as well.

He had to pull himself together. Now.

He stood up, eyes dry, and hugged his sister as tight as he could. "I'm so happy for you Orla. You'll be the best mom." As he did, his eyes started burning again. He looked up at the chandeliers light. 

Stop crying.

Orla sniffed in his shoulder. "Thank you Connie."

Sassara appeared from behind and hugged her. "This is wonderful Orla. Congratulations to you and William."

William.

William, Orla, and baby. 

A family. 

She has her own family now.

Fuck this. 

He wanted fresh air. To go outside. 

Dammit why don't I smoke?

He smiled at Sassara. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom"

"Oh, sure yes but," she paused. There were a lot of people. She frowned. Again.

Are you ok?

No. He wasn't. He kissed her temple, and left the table.

"Well well, he was never that physical with Paula," said Orla as she dried her smudged mascara.

"Orla," said Fiona with big eyes.

The others were oblivious to what had occurred. Rian had an inkling. His gaze still followed his little brother. He then turned to Sassara. Yes. He could tell something was wrong. She gave him a smile. A reassuring one, she hoped.

To hell if it looked suspicious. She needed to talk to Conan. 

She stood up. "I'll excuse myself as well." And she left.

Why was it, that every time Conan had real problem, it was at the toilet?

Conan stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Different bathroom, different problems, same smell. That made him think of his dad. 

He turned on the faucet. Closed his eyes, tried to focus on the cold water. Why was he so angry? No. Not angry. As if everything he felt was right under his skin. Bubbling. Like his emotions pushed, scratched, tried to escape. Realising this, made him more upset still. 

Is that what Sassara feels like when she's on her periods?

He heard the door. Looked up, half blind from the water. 

"Sassara? What are you doing here?" He dried his face. "These are the men's bathroom."

She chuckled. "I know, Conan. What's wrong?"

"Why would something be wrong?" 

She was silent for a moment. Searching for the right words. "All I'm saying is, if something is bothering you, tell me now while it's the two of us. Evacuate it, so you can enjoy the rest of diner. We haven't even ordered yet"

"It doesn't matter if something is bothering me, Sassara." He fixed his hair. "I can get over it."

"You can?" Sassara's tone had changed. She was still smiling. But her eyes seemed far away. Like she gazed down at him, as remained stuck in a deep hole. He couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"Dammit Sassara, I don't want to talk about it."

"Well I do." She stepped closer. "I don't want to see you upset."

"Tough luck, then." 

Her smile vanished. His heart dropped. 

"On the first day we met, I told you about my ex. It wasn't particularly nice, or easy. But I did it because I messed up the tournament for you. I thought I owed you an explanation."

He nodded.

"We haven't talked much about it. But at times it was really tough." A translucent veil fell on her eyes. She blinked a couple times. "If I don't want to see you upset, it doesn't mean 'please be happy'. It means, stop, lashing out at me."

All this sweetness, and this love made him want to scream.

"I'm not lashing out," he said raising his voice.

She stepped back at his tone. Didn't answer, so he could reflect on his words. 

Dammit.

He leaned against the wall, covered his face with his hands. Far away. Far away from Sassara and his family. "I'm sorry."

He heard her steps. She forced him to open his palms. Leaned against him. Cupped his face in her cold, dainty hands. "What I meant was, please talk to me about what you're feeling. Instead of shouting them in my face." 

"I'm sorry. I've always wanted to be uncle. I don't understand."

She let herself weigh against him. Rested her head against his chest. "Conan. Why are you upset about Orla being pregnant?"

His eyes burned again. He closed his eyes. "I don't know. I can't explain it. I'm lost."

"Why do you feel lost?"

"Because I don't have my sister anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"She's not my sister anymore." He sniffed. "She's a mom."

"She's still your sister."

"Yes but, I was always so much younger. I could never be on the same level as them. I was five and they were already about to graduate. They left, created their own life."  

Conan felt like he was falling, and hugged Sassara. "I wanted to start my adult life, be on the same level as them. And tonight, I wanted us to get drunk together." 

He laughed. Tightened his arms around her.  "But it doesn't matter. I'm finally old enough to drink, and now she's the one who can't anymore." His body shook. "She's far away again. It's like, it's like, all these years, I'm still in the same damn fucking spot, never able to reach them." 

He covered his eyes again. "It's like they always end up abandoning me when we're on equal footing. I'm alone. Again."

He sobbed once. "I don't want to cry." And again. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Conan, it's ok, look at me. Look at me. Look."

His vision was blurry.

"Your sister said she worried about you. Right?"

"No. She said she didn't anymore."

"That's not true. Big sisters, never stop worrying about their little brother. And I know this, because I'm a big sister too." she paused. "If she's growing up, it also means she trusts you. She trusts you're old enough to take care of her and her family."

She caressed his face with the tip of her fingers. Soothed him. "Conan. What a big sister want, is to protect her little brother. And she always will. But then, one day, shocker, her little brother becomes an actual grown man." She chuckled. "He becomes taller. Stronger then her. When that happens, all she hopes for, is that he remembers to protect her too."

Her words settled on his shoulder like a blanket. He nodded.

"Your big sister is relying on you now. Do you understand that? Now you have two hats. You are Brother Conan, and Uncle Conan." She kissed his cheek "And they're both really cool."

Sassara lowered his face, and kissed his forehead. "I'm going to unfrown your frown now." 

He nodded. Closed his eyes. "I'm sorry for all this."

"Stop it. You feel things. It's normal."

He couldn't smell the stink of the toilets anymore. Only Sassara. Her fingers traced lines on his forehead. He exhaled. Felt her own breathing murmuring against his skin. He inhaled, trying to breathe her in.  Trying to fill himself with her warmth. And her fingers continued. 

She never slowed down, never hesitated, just soothed him again, and again, and again.

"And you're not alone," she added. "I'm here."

Thank you.

He could breathe again.

"Sassara," he whispered.

"What is it Conan?"

So soft. No one called him like she did. No one filled his name with that much love.

He his arms wrapped around her. Pulled her body close against his. Heard their fast heartbeats. His thumbs nested in the crease of her lower back. Caressed her in tune with her own fingers.

"Say my name again."

She shivered under his thumbs. "Conan."

And he shivered back.

"Again. Please."

"Conan," she whispered against his neck.

He opened his eyes. How much he wanted her. 

He kissed her neck. That beautiful neck he had spied on the first day of school. And she gasped Wrapped her arms around him. "Conan," she pleaded. "Conan kiss me." 

He kissed her again. "No," she whispered, and locked eyes with him. "Kiss me."

She was breathing hard, her lips slightly parted.

"Sassara."

The door opened. They jumped away from each other. A big man with a stripped shirt entered. 

Of course.

He saw them. Stopped. And watched Sassara as she fled through the door still ajar. .

The man looked back. Conan washed his hand, and prayed the man would stop staring and go take his fat dump already.

Why? Why is it always the bathroom?