Pun Detectives and the Case of the Missing Music! (Part 11)

“Before you go,” I said. “I just have to say…”

I lobbed the best insult I could her way. It was so lame I could probably be arrested for repeating it, so I’ll leave it to your imagination. Seriously, whatever you come up with will be better than what I told her.

And she thought so too. She just laughed in my face.

At that precise moment, I wished more than ever before or after that I could backflip. Because maybe that way I could flip back the clock and prevent the me from two and a half seconds ago from making the stupid mistake of being stupid enough to reckon with Striking Eyes and her stupidly annoying laugh and her stupidly annoying not being annoyed at me trying stupidly to annoy her.

Stupid Striking Eyes. Or Contraire. Or whatever her name was. Whatever.

“What are you even doing here?” she said when her laughter finally subsided. “You look like the type to stay home playing video games all day. Not do anything even remotely useful with your time. Not that playing detective is useful. Cause that is all you and your little friends are doing. Just playing. It’s a cute game, but it’s nothing more than that. And by the way, I wasn't going to bring this up, but everyone online is talking about how much of a weirdo you are anyway.”

All I could do was stand there and take it.

“By the way, now I’m curious. Who were those guys from before? The ones who ran out screaming their heads off. Your Watsons, Sherlock?” Imagine the most patronizing thing you ever heard, then add a heaping helping of condescension on top of it. That was how she sounded.

I fielded her straight because at this point, I just wanted her to hurry up and leave. I should’ve never provoked her. “Oh, you mean the other muskrateers? I-I mean, Greg and Evan? No, they’re not part of this. Just my friends.”

“Then what about that maid girl? She’s the one who helps out in the cafeteria, right? All the pictures I’ve seen of you were with her. Is she helping you with all this pun business like your sidekick or something? Where’s she?”

What was with the 20 questions all of a sudden? Why the hell did she care?

“Not here,” I told her, stating the obvious. “Busy.”

“Huh. Well, some girls are just weird I guess. More power to her. I wouldn’t hang out with you guys if you paid me.”

“Great. I’m not paying you, so you can go now, right?” And let me feel lousy in peace? I didn’t say that last part.

No such luck. She was sticking around, if only to keep on bashing the already battered piñata that was my self esteem. “Places to be and things to do” my papier-mâché–and-confetti-coated hoof. Whichever places she had to be and whatever things she had to do after this, they evidently weren’t as important as bringing me down a peg.

“God, you’re so lame?” she continued. She made it sound like a question even though it wasn’t one. “It would be so much cooler and better to have a detective who worked alone. Like a really handsome guy who solved all the mysteries by himself, against the odds. Not a weird kid with a maid costume fetish and a sidekick who looks like a big walking doll.”

Now that was low. If anything, Lily was the maid fetishist, not me. Though I couldn’t deny I liked old-timey Victorian outfits like hers.

“And don’t even get me started on that wishy washy behavior of yours.”

As far as I could tell, she was already started.

“That is definitely not how a detective should be. First, you need to man up, or quit. Then, get rid of the weirdo maid. Then maybe you’ll be one teeny tiny step closer to being a real detective.”

I was about to object. Not to defend myself, but to stand up for Lily. When it came down to it, I was a pushover, just like she had said. I couldn’t deny that. But I didn’t like hearing her put Lily down that way.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized something. It sounded crazy at first, but the gears were turning, and they wouldn't stop. The more they turned, the more the pieces snapped together, building to a picture I hadn’t been able to see clearly till now.

And I realized something.

Striking Eyes was right.

She was right about Lily.

100% right in fact.

Think about it.

First, there was my priceless, out-of-print cactus care book. No remorse shown by her for mercilessly disemboweling that, not to mention throwing its remains out like so much trash.

Then there was the whole business of actually knowing what a spaz I was around girls and keeping mum about it. She could have mentioned that at some point. Heck, she could have made fun of me for it like everyone else. Anything but laugh at me on the inside, in silence, like she so obviously had been this whole time.

And don’t even get me started on her inefficiency. She had taken damn near all day to question her share of the violin players. She was a robot for god’s sake. Couldn’t she have finished her questioning faster? Granted, she had taken some time to do some grunt work for me before she got back to the interrogation. Like calling Striking Eyes and setting up this meeting, and getting some more information out of Mr. Treble. But that was no excuse. It was basically her job after all.

And then there was everything else on top of that. All her weirdo robot quirks and all those pet peeves of mine about her, all adding up, one by one, day by day. I’d become desensitized, probably because I was so used to having to 👉depend👈 on her for everything. That was why all of this had taken me so long to realize. But when I took a step back and thought about it, she’d been nothing but a total nuisance lately. No, not just lately: this entire time. When I really thought good and hard about it, I couldn’t stand her behavior one bit. I couldn’t stand being around her one bit.

And that was it. What I had finally realized. What I should have realized from the second grandpa set all of this idiocy into motion and foisted Lily Lilac, annoyance extraordinaire, on me by force:

I couldn’t stand Lily one bit.

For the first time in this whole conversation — hell, the whole day — I nodded decisively. I felt like the inside of my head had been a cloudy soup up until now. But now, everything was clear. It was all thanks to Striking Eyes. I didn’t even care about the disrespect and the derision anymore. Partly because I had about as much respect for myself as a centipede has arms. But also because now I realized what I had to do: stop putting up with — and stop having to 👉depend👈 on — the pest known as Lily Lilac.

The end of Pun Detectives and the Case of the Missing Music (Part 11)!
To be continued in Part 12!