Pun Detectives and the Gift of the Magi (Part 5)

“Not ‘sorry,’ but ‘thank you.’” She said it as if to herself. Her eyes were glassing over like marbles again, and this time she did something about it. She whipped a white handkerchief out of one of her bottomless pockets to dab them dry. “Oh, Boss… thank you too. I will gladly accept it. This is the first gift I have received. I will use this, Boss. As soon as I obtain a replacement phone, I will put this screen protector on. And I will treasure it.”

“...”

“...”

“Huh?”

“W-what?”

“What did you just say?” I asked.

“That I will treasure your gift?”

“No, no, before that.”

“That this is the first gift I have received?”

“No, after that.”

“...”

“No, not that far ahead.”

“That I will use your gift as soon as I obtain a replacement phone?”

“Yes. That. What do you mean by ‘replacement phone?’”

“Oh. I appear to have neglected to mention it, Boss. The fund from which I drew to replace your book and furnish HQ originated from the sale of my phone. It was a unique and one-of-a-kind smartphone that your grandfather designed specifically for me, and it sported many features not yet perfected by even top-secret government and military laboratories. So it fetched quite a high price on the black market.”

Remember kids: when you need cash, and fast, pawning off experimental technology to the highest bidder is a great way to get it.

Also…

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!?!???????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! AGHHHHHHHAHHAHAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????????

This was a disaster. A complete and total mess. A splatter of a situation so gross and rancid you didn’t even want to know what had caused it.

Except I knew.

It was simple. Two halves of an equation subtracted equally, but somehow left unbalanced in the end. What were the chances? This must have been why I hadn’t been able to reach her on her phone for the past week.

I'd traded my cactus collection to get this screen protector for her phone.

And she'd traded the phone to get me a new cactus guide.

Arrrgghhh!!!! Everything was upside down and backwards! How the heck did things end up like this! Now both of our gifts were totally useless!

“I am shocked that something like this has happened, Boss,” Lily said, not looking shocked in the slightest.

“But there’s nothing we can do about it now.”

But Lily didn’t seem to think so. After telling me to “wait here, Boss,” she rummaged around in the back of the room for a minute and then returned holding the potted cactus. The one she’d spent all week taking care of. The only one I hadn’t gotten rid of. Matte green glossed its skin and its spines held erect, proof that it had been taken good care of, and not by me alone.

“The last cactus,” I said.

“Not the last cactus,” she told me. “The first one, from now on.”

(Good thing )#(3)

Just then, the sound of an alarm interrupted us. A blaring siren reserved especially for the most chaotic caller I had on my contact list. I slipped my phone out of my pocket, and sure enough, grandpa was calling.

And that could only mean one thing.

“Another mission, right, Boss?” Lily asked as soon as I got off the phone.

“Right. Ready to go, Lily?”

She nodded.

“Let’s go then!” And just like that, us pun detectives were off on another case. Where it would take us was anyone’s guess. If anyone could guess. I sure couldn’t. But wasn’t that half of the fun of it? Not knowing? It was a brand new week and we had the whole of it ahead of us. Come what may, we were ready for anything.

The end of Pun Detectives and the Gift of the Magi!
To be continued in The Seven Wonders + 1!