Chapter 2:
World of Shattered Mind
#4 The Touch from Behind
Sometimes I felt like something touched me from behind or implied to myself from a simple air current, itch or thought.
I wanted to ignore it but ended up turning around to find nothing, then turning some more to see clearly. After that I felt like I can only see it by looking over the other shoulder opposite the one I was looking around. Sometimes I stopped, other times I looked over my shoulder a bit more.
I did this dozens of times always feeling that there is something behind me, that something touched me.
I don’t remember when it stopped nor how long it lasted but I remember them as dark times, still better than the white emptiness I encountered later in life, but I don’t remember it well so I’m not sure.
#5 Fireball
Have you ever got haunted by a visual thought of a fireball, I did. I was going back from somewhere and imagined a fireball. Small, yellow ball with orange outline positioned in completely black space.
I didn’t imagine it for long as imagination often brought me intrusive thoughts, headache and possibly shame.
But it was too late, the thought was already plastered at the front of my mind.
The thought of the fireball felt disgusting, made my head hurt and gave me anxiety. Evolving the thought by changing or moving the fireball in my mind felt even worse. If I had to guess it was because of the intrusive nature of the thought making it feel forced, together with my general avoidance of imagination at that time.
#6 Avoiding HTML
Back in the days I was scared of evolution, practically panicking and getting as far away from it as possible, to the point of not wanting to go to uni in the future just to preserve my dissonance.
At the same time I was learning programming and moving onto making websites. The core of a website is stored inside a .html files which act as a skeleton of the website.
Those files are then split into <head>, <body> and <footer>. This made me think about human body and that made me think of evolution.
After that html reminded me of evolution, I was aware of not having a single argument against evolution but wanted to believe god, keeping my beliefs protected.
I hated working with HTML afterwards, it was giving me intrusive thoughts all the time and making me feel terrible.
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