To Panic

I walk through tent city. More like encouraged forward by the ever patient Grat and Shuri. My eyes are big as Shuri’s tears. There is so much to see. I try to stop every few feet to examine something new. Floating lanterns. Color changing flowers. Indestructible books. And glass. So much glass. Glass rings. Glass canes. Glass knives. Glass pots. Glass shoes!

The man selling glass shoes guarantees me they are functional, comfortable, and durable. He throws one on the ground just to prove it. And it doesn’t shatter. Doesn’t even crack. I am dumbfounded. Can’t savvy it. The man seems highly amused. I’m steered away swiftly before I can try them on.

Shuri and Grat warn me against buying anything. The quality of goods here is apparently questionable. I assure them no one will make a cats-paw out of me. But they still look concerned. So I remind them I have no money. This appeases them, and we wander on.

More than once I nearly collide with someone. I keep walking with my head thrown back to examine the colorful canvas overhead. The light filters through in a way that mesmerizes me. It casts colorful shadows. And with all the glass merchandise, the city shines magically.

After my fourth near collision, I start watching where I’m going. This quickly turns into staring at interesting people. And there are lots of interesting people. I recognize humans. There are orcs like Grat and Shuri. There are elves like me. Then there's the rest of them. I refrain from pointing at people like a child and shouting, What’s that!?. I imagine it rude. The urge does hit me, though.

Shuri must take notice. She starts telling me who’s who. Demons have horns and volcanic rock for skin. The opaque ones that glide off the ground are aetherials. Beastkin are nearly human, but have varying animal parts. Merfolk have blue-green skin and webbing between their fingers. I give a wide berth to the dragonians. Don’t like their scaly snake skin. I like the dwarfs at first glance. They’re the same height as me. At second glance, I change my mind. They’re three times as wide.

Back in the city, surrounded by people, I’m forced to face a frustrating reality. I’m small, tiny, miniscule. A true to behold arsworm. I hoped maybe Grat and Shuri were just big. Which they are. All the orcs are. But I am also small. Short and small. Perhaps it’s because I have no memories. But I had the odd feeling I was bigger, taller, — muscle-ier? Reality says otherwise. And I don’t like it.

Me, Grat, and Shuri wind through tent city. The first solid structure we meet is the city wall. The gate is just large enough for Grat, if he ducks down. We split into two groups. Grat goes to report to the city police about me and Hangman. Shuri and I head for the hospital.

Before we separate, I say, “But wait. Don’t you need me to come— give my account or something? Since I was the one attacked by Hangman.”

“Did you remember something about the attack?” Grat asks me. I shake my head. “Then you don’t need to come. If, ahem! I mean, when you recover your memories, then you can file a report. For now, focus on recovery. Go to the hospital. See if anything in the city triggers a memory. Find someone who knows you if you can.”

Grat bids us farewell. We plan to meet up later. But before he goes, he fixes me with his intelligent gaze.

“And don’t fret about Hangman.” He tells me.

He kisses Shuri then goes. She and I start for the hospital. I realize Grat and I must be of the same mind. Fretting about Hangman is exactly what I was doing. Even before Grat mentioned him. I know he must be here in the city. What if I run into him? Will I recognize him? He’ll certainly recognize me. Will he try to finish me off? To prevent me from turning him in? If I saw his face, that seems likely. I’m flooded with anxiety, fear, humiliation. And I was saying before that I’d kill Hangman if I found him. Now I’m shaking like a scared child.

I walk closer to Shuri. Wish I had a weapon. Something for protection. I see that many people have one. Even Shuri has a knife, though it’s a sword to me. The streets here are crowded. Chock-a-block crowed. Much more so than outside the city wall. All the people I found interesting before, now seem menacing. I avert my eyes instead of staring. Look down instead of up. My chest feels tight, painful.

I’m caught up in my thoughts. Distracted. Someone bumps me. Or I bump them. I’m not sure. I’m so small, I’m knocked aside. I hit a wall. The crowd surges. I’m trapped. Shuri is gone. I can’t breathe.

I turn away from the crowd. Press myself into the wall. Screw my eyes shut. Clutch my chest. It hurts. I can’t do this! I can’t do this! I’m lost! I’m panicking! I’m a failure!

Failure?

This feeling is so out of place, it actually helps me refocus.

Nunquam despera. Nunquam dede.

“Never lose hope. Never surrender.” I whisper to the wall.

It takes a long time — and a lot of counting to four — but I catch my breath. The cool wall I’m pressed against helps. I’m not okay. Not fully. But I can’t stay here forever. I will my eyes open. A curious sight greets me. An elf. Small, young, delicate. Azure eyes. Hair that shifts between green and blonde. She looks confused, frightened, vulnerable. Tears stain her cheeks. It takes me too long to realize. The elf is me. My reflection, that is. It’s my first time seeing myself since losing my memories. I have the oddest sense of nonrecognition. I know for certain the elf is me. But I know it only because she copies my every move.

Finally calmed down. I stop and think. Shuri is gone. I’m lost. On my own. But I know where to go, the hospital. I don’t know where it is. But I can find it. I can ask for directions. Easy. Easy? I feel uneasy. But nothing else to do.

I turn away from the wall. The crowd is thick. People shuffle by quickly. I try to catch someone's attention. No one takes notice. Or they simply ignore me. My voice is drowned out. Maybe I’ll have better luck where it’s less crowded. I move on. Try not to look like a scared, defenseless child. Though I feel like one.

I skirt the edge of the crowd. Weave my way between people. Look for Shuri. Look for the hospital. No luck. Eventually the crowd thins. I consider asking directions again when something happens. I feel an entirely new and wholly uncomfortable sensation. Someone grabbed me from behind.

Reflexes I didn’t know I had kick in. My foot swings back. Catches someone in the leg. I hear them trip. I turn to see a human man looking at me from the ground. He looks surprised, caught, guilty. And angry.