Confession

       It's been weeks of waiting for something. Anything. A sign, some kind of a lead that would be useful for me, but nothing. I am sure she connected the dots by now. She asked me a few times if there was something wrong already.

       I don't want to ask her about it, but I feel like I have to, or else I can't move forward. Or she's gonna dig it out of me at some point.


       She wants to meet me outside on the lunch break. Nobody in this cold goes outside to eat. It seems urgent. I wonder what this is all about. Maybe waiting all this time was worth it after all and now I'm going to reap what I've sown. No one is outside but her, sitting on a bench, waiting. We said hi to each other and I sat next to her.

"So what's this all about? Why are we sitting here instead of somewhere warm like the classroom or Cafeteria?"

"I wanted to sit down with you and look around. Isn't it crazy how there is nobody walking around like usual?"

"Maybe because it's almost winter and that means it's cold?"

"It's not that bad. What, are you freezing to death?"

"I am not saying it's freezing, but when I have to wear a jacket that means ist cold outside for me. I can handle it. So all you wanted is to sit here and listen to the wind rustle?"

"No. Actually, something's been bothering me lately."

"Something happened at home?"

"No, not really."

"Then what?"

"It's you."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. For the past few weeks, you've been acting differently. I know there is something wrong. I asked you so many times, but you don't want to talk about it. Why? You might not feel that way, but I want to let you know that I am here for you and if there's something bothering you. I am here to listen. If it's personal or very sensitive, 

I am not gonna force you to talk about it, but it's affecting me a lot because you act differently around me than before. You don't talk the same way to me as before. 
Being together doesn't feel the same like something changed for you. Have I done anything from?"

       I was sitting on the edge of the bench. She has me cornered. I have to tell the truth. I don't have any plan Bs. What else than the reality I should say? She's staring at me, waiting. I can feel my lips shaking.

"There is something, actually. Do you remember how I asked you if we met already?
When you were new here."

"Yeeah."

"How weird was it? Asking you like that."

"I mean, not really. It caught me off guard that's for sure, but nothing more. I recall you saying things like when you saw me, it felt like you knew me already, but I never thought  that it was weird. So this was on your mind the whole time? But then wh-"

"No, no, that's not it. You see, I asked you because I saw you a few times. I even was standing beside you in a shop, watching you struggle with your credit card and you were panicking like hell so when I saw you in our class introducing yourself, I had a picture of your personality already, but you gave off a very different vibe and it threw me off. I thought I knew you already. At first, I thought maybe you were just another person, but I had never seen in my life someone having the same hair as you so I was like it must be you. That's why I asked. I know it was probably rude and all but I had to know, and with hindsight, I realized I must have looked really weird. I am surprised you talked to me after that."

"Okay calm down, please. I think I get it. I've heard that every person has one identical twin roaming the planet somewhere. Maybe I have one in town, or she was just passing by. It would explain why the other me was acting differently than me. And I am sure if I saw you somewhere so close up like in the shop, I would remember you."

"It would but..."

"But what?"

"This me thinking I experienced something with you happened one more time. A few weeks ago. We went to the new burger place. You were mad that I went there with Alan already because you wanted it to be a premiere for both of us. We talked about friendships. How we both don't need a lot of friends, how you had a lot of people wanting to spend time with you. You told me how you hated not being able to have time for yourself. Somehow it slid into dating. I don't remember it well, I don't know who said what but we agreed on it. I guess I was scared that things would change and because of it we would end up hating each other, but you said that nothing would change. Some days later I realized I wanted a little change because well, we are dating but it felt like you really meant it, so it got me thinking if it's happening again so I wanted to ask you about it but I didn't want to go through again and I got stuck in it not knowing what to do and I didn't want to be weird again."

"Couldn't it be because you really wanted that dream to be true it made you feel like it was real?"

"Nonono that's not it, it happens all the time but I don't know when. Sometimes I can tell, sometimes I can't, and it's not just with you but all the time..."

She hugs me as we are sitting next to each other, whispering softly:

"I don't really understand what exactly is happening, but I am happy that you told me even though it must have been hard for you. I am sorry I put you through this and if you need to talk your heart out like this time, I am here for you. But now there is half of the day in front of you, so try to relax a bit and not think about it."