From all my past experiences, the most important lesson that I have learned is that human connections are very delicate. A single misunderstanding can shatter a bond built over years, reducing it to nothing in an instant. I never firsthand experienced it but conceivably the people that I felt I had a connection with made me experience it. The thought of acknowledging the connection that we seemed to have brings a fresh wave of pain. It's easier to pretend it never existed, to believe they never felt the same way, they never even considered me something to them. It taught me that the destruction of bonds can easily wipe out the strongest person alive. This fear keeps me from getting close to anyone. I don't want to misread the signs and create an illusion of connection in my head.
In that sense, I was safe. At least, I was until I encountered Hanako Yoshida. Her friendly demeanor towards everyone can easily spark a misconception. You start thinking, "Maybe she considers me special," or "Perhaps there's a chance for something more." There was a time when I would have those thoughts as well, but not now. When someone attempts to build a connection with me, I push them away. So that, I don't get attached to them and get hurt in the process. It's a realistic protection mechanism that I came up with over time.
The goal was straightforward: not to get too familiar with Yoshida that it would backfire on me later. My mornings had always been peaceful until now; ever since Yoshida showed up, I wake up to a "Good morning" message before I even open my eyes. Perhaps it's a blanket message to everyone in her contacts. Despite my plan to maintain distance, I'm not a complete jerk. I always reply to her greetings, and they're instantly read.
'Perhaps Having someone to wish you a 'good morning' is not a bad thing, even if the other person doesn't mean anything by it. It's not like I mean anything by it either.'
We are just doing it as a formality. We both are CRs. So, we do spend a lot of time together. If everyone else in class is a classmate then she was more than a classmate to me. But it wasn't something called friendship, not even close to it.
"Tanka, you have a minute?" (Student)
"Yes..."
A classmate, behind on their homework, called me over to ask me to submit it for them. It's part of being a CR, becoming a CR did have some positive effect on me. I wasn't a complete outcast in the class. Even though, they only called me when they needed something from me. It gave me a sense of inclusion that I was involved with class activities somehow, which was a complete 180 from what my initial plan was.
"Tanka and Yoshida are sure close to each other." (Student 1)
"Do you think they both are a thing?" ( Student 2)
"No way." ( Student 3)
"They are probably together because they are CRs" ( Student 4)
"I'm jealous, I wanted to be CR with Yoshida." (Student 2)
"It's not only you. Everyone wanted that." (Student 3)
"That Tanaka guy sure has a great Luck." (Student 1)
"Maybe I'll ask her out today." (Student 2)
"..."
"..."
"...What? Say something!" (Student 2)
"May God Forgive your sins."
"Come on guys, you need to support me." (Student 2)
"Sure, Sure. Just don't come to us after your heartbreak." (Student 4)
"Guys..."
I heard this random conversation while I was sitting in class. Yes, I have nothing else to do. I thought rumors would start to spread about us, but to think, it would be so soon. The first thing I thought was how's Yoshida doing? I glanced at her, she was talking to some of her friends.
'I think she's used to this kind of treatment. I'm the only one who is getting bothered by it.'
I let out a sigh and pretended to fall asleep on my bench. A sudden thought of how I became a CR rushed into my mind. I remember the slips—
While I was thinking, keeping my head down, something touched my hair. I quickly caught it with my hand. It was soft and warm. I looked to see what I caught. Yoshida was sitting on the front seat facing towards me and the thing in my hand was Yoshida's hand.
"...Ah, Sorr-"
I quickly let it go but Yoshida caught my hand again. I was confused. So, I panicked a little.
"What are you doing?" I asked her while she was holding my hand.
"... Your hand"
"What about my hand?"
"It's so big compared to mine"
She placed her hand against mine to compare. Yoshida giggled a little and then let my hand go. The warmth lingered on my hand, a confusing echo of her touch. These are the kinds of gestures that could spark misconceptions. Perhaps she does this with everyone, a friendly habit that doesn't translate to deeper feelings. It's just a handshake for her, I guess. What would be the definition of being close to someone? Yoshida's definition and mine would probably be worlds apart. She rose from her seat and began to walk back to her own.
"Later then..."
"Wait, did you need something?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"I thought you had something to say that's why you came."
"I saw you looking at me. So I thought you wanted to talk about something and besides that, I can come even if there's nothing to talk about, Right?"
For some reason, I think I pissed her but I ignored that.
"...Ah, Maybe."
"So, why were you looking at me?"
'why was I looking at her? I was just wondering whether she was affected by rumors but I can't say that. '
"... I-I was just spacing out and you just happened to be in my field of vision."
"Is that so? Then you should be more careful, you're lucky that it was me this time. Because if it was some other girl she really would have thought that you're a pervert."
"... Sorry, I'll be careful. "
" Careful about what? looking at me? "
" No, that's not what I mean. "
" I know, I know. I'm just kidding. "
Saying that she left. She sat on her seat where her friends were already talking to each other, so she joined them.
"Yoshida, are you alright?" (Yuki)
"Yes, why?"
"Your face is all red." (Yuki)
Hearing that she covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.
"Yoshida.."
"Yoshida what happened"
On the other hand, I was still recovering from her holding hands. I knew she didn't mean anything by it. It's just the way she is, making everyone think they are special to them. It's not just her, most people try to play nice just to get liked by others. It doesn't bother me as long as I know it doesn't mean anything. That was the only thing keeping me from going rogue. There was someone who was going to confess to her today.
'But when...'
I found myself thinking about the confession until school ended. A confession is an act of someone admitting their feelings for another person they care about. I have a history with this kind of vulnerability. During my junior high, there was a girl that I liked. We used to get along pretty well or I thought, maybe she was just being nice to me. I wore my feelings like clothes. That's why everyone knew that I liked her. I bet she knew it too. Whenever I talked with her, she wore a troubled expression, which made me think that maybe she was not comfortable around me. The reasons behind this discomfort, I didn't think about it Because her being conscious of me was enough for me to get the wrong idea. I thought 'Even if she doesn't like me, if I can make her comfortable around me, I may have a chance'. Finally, I confessed to her, her face was bright red like she could cry at any moment now. But she gave her answer,
"I can't go out with you. I hope we can stay friends."
Those words left a deep wound on me that even I wasn't aware of at that time. I came prepared that I would be rejected, but all the efforts that I put in, and all the time I invested was a complete waste. I didn't want anything to be wasted. It was my first time to confess to someone and get rejected. Admitting that you like someone takes a lot of courage. Maybe that's why, when she rejected me, my legs buckled beneath me. The tension that had coiled around me all day finally snapped. I relaxed.
It was evening. The sky was ablaze with orange as the sun dipped below the horizon, and a chill settled in the air. Strangely, there were no tears, just a dull ache of sadness. I went home after parting ways with her. Upon reaching home, I went straight to bed. I didn't want to go to school the next day. By now I was sure that everyone knew about my confession. I didn't want to face them, more importantly, I didn't know how to act in front of her. I ended up not going to school for a week. Because I couldn't stay home forever, in the end, my family forced me to go. They were worried about me.
I feel sad just thinking about it now. I don't remember what the name of that girl was. To be precise, I don't remember anyone from my junior high. I was trying not to remember it. That confession was one of the factors that I ended up being a loner in the first place. Expecting something from others and living up to other's expectations, I, no longer, am capable of that. My past may be the reason that I was curious about how this confession would go.
It was after school, behind the gym. A Classic confession spot if you ask me, but I confessed to her on the rooftop.
'Now is not the time to think about it.'
For some reason, there was a huge crowd with Yoshida and the boy from my class at the center. It was like this confession was a festival or something.
'Well, talk about brutal.'
When I confessed, I was all alone still it was hard. To confess in front of everyone, you need nerves of steel. You can look at his face, he was pale and was sweating like crazy. He mustered up his courage and said,
"... I-I... Liked you for a l-long time, and will... you be be my girlf-friend?"
He said it, yes, he said it. Yoshida sighed and spoke in a calm voice, I couldn't sense her cheery aura anymore, she was serious,
"I appreciate how you feel but..." She took a deep breath and continued," I... I have someone I like, so I can't go out with you. I'm sorry."
Everyone was shocked, not because he was rejected but, she said that she had someone she liked.
"he also got rejected but..."
"Did you hear that?"
"She said she likes someone."
"I was going to try my luck, I guess it can't be helped."
" It's over, let's go"
" Yes. "
"... "
"..."
The crowd, which had created a festival-like atmosphere just moments ago, began to disperse with a ruckus. Soon there was no one left, just Yoshida and that boy remained. Yoshida also started to move, seeing that I decided to leave. But I saw something while Yoshida was leaving. I started following Yoshida. She went to the restroom.
I found myself standing outside the female restroom. Anyone who saw me might mistake me for a creep lurking around. Rumors could definitely start swirling, leading to even more isolation. But honestly, at this point, I didn't care much. Yoshida was taking a long time. Ten minutes passed, then twenty...thirty. Soon, half an hour had gone by. I began to wonder if she was even still inside, though there was no way for me to be sure. Another thirty minutes passed, and worry started to gnaw at me. This was much longer than a normal for a restroom break.
'...screw that. I'm going inside.'
I made up my mind to go inside. Just before I was about to enter, Yoshida came out and we almost collided.
"...um, huh?"
"..."
We prevented colliding somehow and were staring at each other in confusion.
"Sho, what are you doing here?"
I came back to my senses and upon looking carefully at Yoshida's face, I confirmed my suspicion that I had earlier. Her eyes were red which stood out with her pale skin. I could see redness all around her eyes and they looked kind of swollen. So, before answering her question,
"Yoshida... You were crying, right?"
Yes, that is my style, no beating around the bush, and straight to the point. One of many reasons why I'm a loner. Hearing me she widened her eyes, but not for long, she returned to her smile, or should I say she tried to smile, but her smile vanished the next moment. She was looking at the floor with a sad gloomy expression, I didn't know what to make of it.
Just a few hours before she had been getting a confession but now she was like this.
"...You saw everything?"
She spoke with a low voice. The Yoshida I knew was nowhere to be found, This side of Yoshida was like I was talking to a stranger. I can sense she just wants to run away but holding herself from doing so. 'You saw everything?' many things came to mind when she said that, the confession, the face I saw when she was leaving the gym site, and the face she's making now. I didn't know what 'everything' she was referring to, so I stayed silent.
"...Sho"
She moved closer, stretched her hand out, and pulled the hem of my shirt. She wasn't staring at me. Before I knew it my hand was on her head, I did it instinctively or should I say it felt right to do it. She looked surprised by my sudden hand on her head but she didn't say anything. I was rubbing my hand against her hair as if I was patting her and she was standing still, tightening her grip on my shirt. We stood there for quite some time.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
She nodded in response.
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