Jul 06, 2022
I think this is a pretty good opening. I do think the chapter length is a bit short, although it seems like you might know that already. Maybe experiment with the length and figure out what works for you.
I think your vocabulary is fairly advanced, but there are a few grammar mistakes that you could probably work to fix. The biggest one was with quotation marks. You always put a space after them, like this:( " example") wheras the correct use is this: ("example"). Really simple fix.
The only other thing I'd say to work on, at least this early on, is how natural the dialogue sounds. A good thing to do is say the dialogue out loud or in you head and see if it sounds correct. People tend to use more conjunctions like "they're" instead of "they are".
Honestly though, just keep it up. This is far from unsalvageable, and I'm only critiquing because I'd like to see this succeed. :)