Jul 05, 2022
CharismaIsMyDumpStat,
I really enjoyed the first chapter of your novel and I think there's a lot of good things going on already. The world building is fantastic and I'm definitely feeling a lot more engaged, as you've set up nations, conflicts, deities and even a general gestalt of the time period already (though I am a little curious as to what happened for most of the 1000 years of Osvir's history, given that the society doesn't seem to be particularly advanced, rather it seems more akin to late middle ages). The descriptions of the appearances of characters, locations and scenes are excellent and really help to paint a good picture of the world you've created. Your prose flows really nicely and I'd say it's probably the best point of the work for me. Cipre is probably my favorite character out of those we've met so far and it's neat that Lan has a connection within the academy, one that apparently seems to have influenced him in some way.
As for some criticism, I would say I'm hoping to see Lan assert himself more as the story develops. A lot of this chapter consists of him mostly just agreeing with others, or giving small, noncommittal statements that really don't give me a good idea of what he's like. Even given the context, where he's mostly interacting with authority figures, it just feels like he doesn't impose himself on the narrative much, and I am wondering what drives him, or what he feels about certain things. I don't think it's a bad thing to have a quiet or polite main character, but everyone has strong opinions about some things, even if they do not always voice them.
As for the second point of concern that I wanted to bring up: while I enjoy the dynamic between Piranthy and Roduchy, I would probably want to recommend some caution against making them too dogmatically aligned as the "wealthy nobility" and the "practical working-class rebels". An example of this is when the two dormitories are compared, it's mentioned that Roduchy's dormitories are more ornate and have single dormitories because it suits their personal tastes. For an academy that was formed as a point of neutrality between the two nations, it seems a bit strange to have the dorms in such different states (unless there is a disparity in funding, which could be an interesting point to explore). Furthermore, Cipre mentions that Lan will be able to tell whether students are from Piranthy or Roduchy easily, which kind of seems to confirm my suspicions that they're a bit too culturally dogmatic - that Roduchy's citizenry will be high and mighty, like the noble who chewed the other couple out in the carriage crash, while citizens of Piranthy will be a bit more down to earth. I think this is fine on a macro-level, to have one nation dominated by a noble class, while the other rejects feudal ideals, but it's important to remember that all societies need a functioning underclass to function. Just off of demographics, there would realistically be more non-noble peasants, soldiers, etc in Roduchy than wealthy nobility, so I wouldn't expect every student from Roduchy to have the exact same ideals to the point where they could be identified off of it.
Anyways, that's all I have to say, it's a work that immediately piqued my interest and you have a lot of skill as a writer. Keep up the good work! 👍
