Aug 12, 2025
Thought I'd post my collection of random thoughts for the entire work here to save you from having to reply to each comment. To summarise my thoughts:
I feel the story barely started at chapter 3 but there is an interesting concept here.
===================================================================
Grammmar/spelling: noticed some minor tense consistency issues. Nothing you can't clean up later.
Style: "See, Dalylah..." -> you can still directly address the reader while removing the word "see". In general, exercise economy of language. Again, a later edit will help.
Prose: clear and clean, but slightly lean on sensory details. Try to vary vocabulary.
Chapter 0: strong personal voice, though I feel you stressed the failure and disappointment to the point where it got a little repetitive.
Ending with a sleep scene doesn't give me much to go on with. A hint at what she may wake up to may help. So far, nothing has really happened.
Chapter 1: are all the gods important? If so, consider staggering their introductions.
I appreciate this is an "isekai" submission but I noted you lean to established tropes rather hard, even if only in a satirical manner.
Chapter 2: good opening, but a grammar error. Again, there are many opportunities to improve pacing through economy of language.
"They looked at me like someone who might snap at any second." -> Consider sharpening this. Give the readers something to visualise.
Yusukue clearly had better sense than Aya. I do appreciate Aya identifying the unnecessary frictions and details in her past work. We've all been, and I am, still there.
I feel at this point, the narrative should give us a clear direction. Aya finding out about her evaluation is novel, but the story lacks a purpose.
Chapter 3: the truck returns again. Consider a lorry - I mean vary it up a little.
"The bread I saw Martha bake..." -> did Aya really see, or just assume this?
Okay. The introduction of decay IS interesting. Veering into horror was the right call.
It seems this world is not to different from the previous one in quite a few aspects. Is this intentional?
Choken progress? Not surely what this means.
Okay, we have a hook.
