May 07, 2021
First things first, grammatically, this is all over the place. I've only skimmed it a bit as it's a bit grating for me to read, but there are a few things I've noticed that you should at least keep note of.
When it comes to dialogue, you should make a new paragraph each time the speaker changes. I say should, but really, you sort of have to.
Also, from what I've read, there's little to no punctuation in certain parts of the chapter while other parts are somewhat punctuated. You also use the wrong forms of there/they're/their and your/you're, but that isn't as severe as the other two things I've mentioned.
I hope this doesn't come off as rude or me simply bashing your story. I just want you to be able to convey the story you have in your mind in the best way possible.
