Jan 10, 2025
Whereas most will come here with the intention to douse your work in appraisal for its masterful composition, I'm not exactly entertained yet, but maybe that isn't the intention? The first chapter is supposed to hook the reader, and sure, it'll do that for people who like to follow writing savants for inspiration on how text should string together and look on screen. You do type things exceptionally well, and thank goodness for that in the landscape of honeyfeed, but as a layman reader looking for story to enjoy for its lore, characters, setting, and progression; whatever details that create the foundation to a believable world, I'm severely dried at the tongue by the end of this chapter and with no recollection of what makes me want to keep turning this tap instead of searching for another. You've successfully turned a scene of events that would take about eight minutes (about the average length of a song x2 + what I assume is some breakaway to childhood) and dragged it out to something that felt like half an hour. What have I learned? There's two characters competing on stage in front of a —if im remembering correctly since there's so much clutter to dig it from— a virtual audience(?) And for some reason it was necessary I know how these characters move, breath, and look like im planning to skin them later. Well news flash, I didn't remember shit, because all those details by the end of the chapter didn't actually tell me anything about them besides that they are girls. Within the same amount of words you've used for this chapter, you could've introduced way more to the world and more about these characters.
I'm sorry for the big rant, but i've read the first three or so chapters of a lot of highly acclaimed (on the discord) entries and have seen the same nonsensical padding each and every time. This of course is only in my own opinion as someone seeking entertainment out of reading, so don't mistake me as some cocky reviewer on some high horse.
I'll continue to read the next two chapters to hopefully bite my tongue, but I just couldn't help writing this now as also a message to all writers in this competition.
