Reader, occasional writer, editor.
Aug 10, 2021
Reading your chapters has become a part of my weekly routine that I actually look forward to. I struggle to find things to critique and feel like I’m reading a quality published book when I am reading your writing. So... that's something.
I’d like to note that in this chapter particularly, I’ve noticed that your descriptions are superb. Places where I feel myself cringing and recoiling, are sparse. I can’t say the same for a single other novel on this site (that I’ve read so far), so great job. Seyhun’s lips being loose with honesty, the sheets casting Astri’s body in marble, the knife kissing his throat… really, these are very nice.
The little conversation between Lev and his sister about the Tiki vs the Ki’i was also such a wonderful addition. In too many stories the dialogue is used only to push plot and action, so it’s great to see you using it in different ways. I really loved this part in particular, though I can’t quite put my finger on why.
There were a couple of tense errors and some parts where you could have been clearer about thoughts and flashbacks. I find if you embody your characters or even say your dialogue out loud, you can figure out how to write it even more smoothly, and so it builds your characters’ personalities rather than just /being/ dialogue.
Fantastic work anyway, can’t wait to see what you come up with next.
Aug 08, 2021
What a cliffhanger! The way you usually end your chapters have the same-ish kind of energy, where it successfully holds my excitement and interest in your work but also... I kind of know what's going to happen. This one has me absolutely intrigued. Keep up the good work, can't wait to see what comes next.
Jul 28, 2021
Wow! The dialogue in this chapter is seriously unmatched. In my time spent reading Honeyfeed novels, nothing I've seen of yet compares to how natural and smooth your characters speak to one another. This chapter showcases your skills in this area the best, and makes me eager to see what you can come up with in Chapter 7.
I hope this isn't coming too soon, but from the end of your 5th chapter and the start of this one, I'm really starting to get a good feel for Vynn. He seems morally ambiguous and playboy-esque, but he's kind to Priscilla and has a good heart from what I've seen. I'm excited to see more of him.
Your plot is advancing steadily, and each chapter seems to have a good amount of forward momentum. However, I might suggest that more doing and less character development could improve your story further. I'd challenge you to practice writing as much action and plot advancement as possible in as few words as possible to build this skill - obviously not to be published, but just to further your writing abilities.
Overall, I have yet again thoroughly enjoyed your writing, Sevenlock, so please do keep it up!
Jul 24, 2021
Right on! This chapter is definitely your most exciting, even if there's not a ton of traditional plot advancement going on.
I like your introduction of Vynn, the way you integrated little pieces of information about him and hinted at the relationship between him and Astri was great. I've noticed this in your other chapters too when you introduced Mr. Marinton and Quill, and the little crumbs you drop about Seyhun's 'real' character.
I love the jump to action at the beginning. The way tension builds and is suspended before being released slightly when it's 'just a cat,' then immediately springs back up at the twist. This was really awesome to be a part of, made my heart race a little and really had me speeding through the chapter.
Something I might suggest going forward is to definitely keep on the humour - it fits well and your lines really land at the right time. An improvement you could make is having slightly more realistic scenes - would Astri and Lev really be able to talk to each other like that, for example, when they were jumping from van to motorcycle to the ground (although the scene and action were superb otherwise). This is totally up to you, just an observation.
I don't have any other suggestions, but I did thoroughly enjoy this chapter. Fantastic work, I really am looking forward to seeing where your writing heads next.
Jul 22, 2021
This is such a riveting read. Every chapter gives more insight into your characters, Pierce being no exception - your characters feel so real, and so easy to attach to. I'm so looking forward to seeing how Lev deals with this new situation. This story is getting more and more exciting, keep up the good work!
Jul 22, 2021
Intriguing work. As someone who's likely within your target demographic, I hope my comment can be helpful to you.
Firstly, definitely proofreading is necessary to make a good novel! I'd suggest Grammarly or perhaps a beta reader to help you out. Grammar, punctuation, and vocab can definitely make or break a piece, so it's certainly something worth investing in. I think your dialogue could also use some work. It can help to read your writing out loud, to make sure things sound natural. I saw other comments noting also that while your characters are supposed to be childhood friends, your dialogue reflects quite the opposite. This is a sentiment that I shared as well while reading. :)
I think your protagonist (or at least, your POV character) comes across as caring only about how Ken perceives her. I’d love to see her ambitions and her own personality, not pertaining to the other male characters in your writing later on. There’s a lot of opportunity for you to develop this, though, so looking forward to this improvement! This also reflects another of the comments, in that your first chapter has very little substance other than flirting. I would have loved to see some sort of hook to do with either magic or science, so I’m hoping to see this too in your second chapter.
As a woman, I think I am qualified to note that your tone feels quite condescending. I think the idea of men having to 'give' women opportunities in itself is inherently misogynistic, which is brought up in your synopsis (although I know that this is an issue women face - I think that this would make good satire, if that was your intention). Throughout the chapter, you use descriptions such as 'slender frame' and 'badassness.' I think you might need to reassess the way you think about women, as this caters directly to the male gaze and will likely repel any possible female readers. I would suggest doing some research into the female gaze instead, and thinking about the actual issues women might face in the corporate world. This is better than what the image you have created in your mind might be.
That being said, I am looking forward to your portrayal of wonderful women and girls and your growth in later chapters. Have a fantastic week. :)
Jul 13, 2021
ahhh I want to know.. please update...