Sep 07, 2021
Initial Feelings
After just finishing the book, I’ll let you in on my thoughts which are purely opinions, and you don’t have to take any of them into account. I’m just sharing my thoughts and hoping that it helps, as I am not a professional writer or critic by any means. I just want to give back to someone who gave a lot.
The Good
Dialogue, Dialogue, Dialogue, Dialogue, I still remember the barkeeper from the first chapter; that is how well your dialogue is, he is one of the few unnamed characters in the story, and yet even he had a memorable personality portrayed in dialogue. For example, with how he immediately rejected Lev only to change his mind when money was involved, then he stammered when Lev just walked into the back room. I have not read your first chapter since what some time in mid-August? Yet I remember him with distinction. For me, it looked like you chose each word carefully and loaded it with personality that is unmatched for the novels on HF. That is to say, though, I’m fairly certain this is one of the few novels that have this much dialogue placed in it. I wished that more books would incorporate into their story.
I liked every character introduced, Lev, Sehyun (I hope I spelled that right), Astri, Pierce, Khan, Quill, Vynn, Pricilla, Poseidon, Vein, Arc, MB, Lev’s sister, and father, and I believe there was one more named character that appeared in a flashback with Sehyun at school I think, These are all the characters I know off the top of my head, and this should be all of them if I’m not mistaken. I did this to show how impressionable your characters are. I could even go into detail about how each character is different even though they each have the same hard-hitting lines of dialogue. Yet, you managed to keep their personalities intact. At first, you would view Pierce and Poseidon as close in personality because they are both the big guys (at least that’s how I pictured them) that worked for Khan, but their motivations are different as Poseidon is a warrior while Pierce only fights because he wants to follow Khan. Astri and Vynn could have been the same people except for being the opposite sex, but what separates them is that Astri has a heart, whereas Vynn doesn’t love; he just experiences. They are both free spirits when we meet them, but they are different when you dig a little deeper. At first glance, all the characters could be summed up as one-liner gangsters who lived a hard life, but at the second, you can see the vivid colors each one has.
The Middle
The plot was ok, not the reason why I came to read the book, but it didn’t make me leave either.
The pacing was also fine in the sense that events kept happening at a consistent rate like a heartbeat, but the problem is the heartbeat was that of a guy who could have a heart attack at any moment, so take that with a grain of salt.
I personally enjoyed some fight scenes and slept through others, so when it came to the action, I feel as if some could have been better executed. (I’d go into it deeper in the analysis review) The premise of the fights were great and kept me interested, so the ideas are there. Towards the end, the fights improved, though. (This could be due to the fact my vision is being clouded by my own bias from just reading it.)
The Bad
The World, my biggest gripe so far, was that I had no clue realistically where or when this was happening. I assumed we were some kind of distant future, maybe a post-apocalyptic timeline of the earth, but then I saw Sehyun’s gravestone, and it read: 2021…. I flipped all the tables. In the chapter before that, I found out Hawaii exists still, and so does Newzealand, so we’re on earth, and it seems like it’s the same old same old except there are people who can breathe fire, has the power of magnetism, and can manifest ice.
You showed me what MetaHumans are and the different kinds of Ceravexes, but I was never told what they exactly are. The only Ceravex I know that has some special property is Astri’s HoneyBadger which stores energy and then releases it as a shock wave? I do not count Salt Shaker cutting deeper than usual because the blade is jagged like shark teeth, and a normal jagged blade will do that. Also, I could have sworn that Lev had some kind of ability with knives in that first chapter; I have no clue what happened to it; maybe I read it wrong, but I thought he could control knives or something. But yeah, I have no idea what Khan’s pipe does, or Poseiden’s trident does, or even Vynn’s twin blades. They’re all Ceravexes, but they don’t have abilities? Maybe you can clarify this for me, at least Khan’s, since he is dead and the pipe is broken.
But yeah, to summarize, there are elements of your story that needs to be fleshed out through narrative and summary, not dialogue, and if you do this, it will also give your chapters some breathing room so that Kaze doesn’t have an old man stroke (that was a joke btw). Towards the end, you gave us superb breathing room when they were having the council meeting, eating and chatting like we got actual world-building in a calm setting.
I remember noting that Lev said weeks passed since he started to be called the Black Lion, then give me those weeks, I need the breathing room. Halfway through the book, we found out that not only Lev is still a teen, but also he lives in a mansion? Is rich? And has siblings? This was chapter 10, I believe, when this is revealed. Astri is already in a coma by then (which btw I still don’t know how she’s not dead but in critical condition, especially since she isn’t a metahuman from what I remember.)
The fight between Khan and Quill, first I think that this is the first time Khan is ever referred to as the Warlord I’m unsure. Next, I loved the fight, but I felt nothing when he died, and I wanted to believe me I did; I felt something when Astri lost, but when Khan does, I’m not happy, nor am I sad. Even when you added that somber conversation before the fight, which I liked a lot, I just felt nothing as they talked. Believe me, I tried to even read it out loud with emotions, and I felt a twinge of sadness, but that’s all. This is because we did not have enough time to be with Khan and Quill to see their relationship. We were told of their relationship, but we never experienced it. I honestly have no way for you to fix this other than to say that if you ever expand on this book, add more moments where we can relate with Khan or Quill. Without having to give us the full story on their relationship. What made Astri and Pierce’s death scenes prominent was the fact that they were surprising and a twist without that I don’t think I would have felt anything for them like right now I am hoping she doesn’t come back because I feel as if she is better dead for the characters around her. (Please do not change Astri for the sake of this if you’re planning on reviving her because I don’t know the full scope of your story.) Remember, we did not get to be with these characters for a long time, so killing them off doesn’t have as much weight without the shock value. For you, you may have felt a lot since you have been with these characters for days, months even, but me, I’ve only known them for less than 10 chapters.
Finishing thoughts
I hope this short little review helps you in some way (I still want to do a more in-depth one, probably a week from now away from the text.) Don’t take my gripes to heart, please, as I am no expert, and I could be entirely off base about everything I’ve written. Also, know that I actually love this book like if it were printed, I’d keep it around just for the quotes or if I ever wanted to recommend a book to someone who doesn’t like reading or someone new to reading. This would hook them in the first chapter, and they would love it; they’d call it a movie but in words. Which I think is the greatest compliment for anyone who writes stories with the idea of their characters moving in real-time. Just know that there are 7 crowns make that 6 crowns meaning one is vacant just for you, but we have to keep you uncrowned until you’re ready for the weight it carries; not just anyone can be crowned.
With that cringe, I’m out; I’ll be back later with the real review later.
Your, memer in training Aldogg9952
