Crazy kid's monologue in Korona quarantine
Remember when I told you all those things, like what an amazing, benevolent and energetic person I was? Or I was on a journey to do something grand like discovering the philosophy of life, finding my identity as a person.
“Well, that a lie.”
Shut up, at least I admit it, ok! Not like you would even know, without me telling you. But you have to admit, how amazing I was to tell all that load of bull shit without even blinking an eye.
Laugh! Dammit! Will you?
Ok, whatever! Well, as promised, this is the rewind, the story of how an amazing person I was, and how I end up being as a waste of space as I am today. Oh wait, this is story of my life, so don’t fucking laugh, ok? This is serious, life and death shit, so shut up and listen, OK!
It’s all began at a sunny day, the sky is graciously clear, the snow-white cloud was blending and parting, all was decorated by the dazzling light of the sun. The magnificent scene was thought could only be found in fairy tale, now show itself upon the earth as a clear sign of a beautiful day had yet to come.
Well, at least that's for most of the people was there.
For me, the day was an absolute hell. Who gave a fuck about the sky when the earth was like this? The scene where my eyes lay upon was the worst nightmare a human can have – well at least it was for me.
All I saw was people. From the gate, to the reception, to the main hall, the admission table, all I saw was the line full of people from various ages, heights, weights, clothes… For a country guy like me, this's a bit overwhelming, and not in a good way. The first impression of the new university I was about to admitted to bringing a smile to my face – a smile as I come to a realization, that how much of a fun and joyful days are waiting for me ahead.
After that, the following days was the endless gathering, welcome festivals, where the new students, from various places, with many circumstances was meeting, chatting, took part in numerous bonding activities. The place was so cheerful and lively, made it an joyful experience where everyone can never forget.
Well for me, of course, as your typical student who you can find anywhere, I blended right in. Most of the conversation I had was like this:
“Hello, I’m X, what’s your name?”
“Where’re you from?”
“What major are you in?”
“This’s one.” (proceed to point at the tutorial)
This’s sarcasm, in case you don’t know. Even I won’t be that rude. But you get the idea. By the time the class started, I had successfully identified myself as an invisible person, most of the people in the class won’t talk to me more than the necessity, the only things I did through out my days was to woke up, went to class, went home, entertained myself for what ever that mean to you, ate, went to sleep, and repeat. Fun, right!
Now now, that was actually fun, I’m not in denial or anything like that, ok! At the times, I was kinda had some difficulty, which was common for most of the new student, who the first time went away from home for that long. So, the thing was, I ended up doing the same routine I always had, sticking with what I felt comfortable. I never was a out-going person, but I not that reserved. My guess is that at the time, I kinda had some trusting issue, plus with the fact that I always wanted to being alone, as an introvert or something like that, but this is the first time I’m actually alone in my entire life. So, even if I don't have friends or acquaintances to begin with, I won't went out my way and try to expand my relationships. The feeling was kinda hard to describe, I don’t think what I felt can be call loneliness? Or maybe home-sick? Or even the fact that the future I planned for myself, so big and grand, only to stopped at the start by the fact that I was being myself? I guess maybe it even was one of those where you doubted yourself when the people do something, and you can’t do it? Or may be the mix of all those things!
I didn’t know, so I went to do the things I good at the most when I at lost: forget about it. So, I kept doing my routine, tried not to thing to hard about it, tried to improve myself and the relationship I had with the people around me - the same thing I always did in the past.
Like you had guess, the problem is not gonna be solved by something like that, so I gonna leave this to another time.