"Mahō No Cringe" by ALTaccounti (chapter 2) (7.5K Reads Milestone special) (Parody Style)

This is the 2nd chap adapted from Mahō No Gakkō

I went back to my roots doing SFW humor with swearing.

0-0 Imma linch people alive this time if I see triggered behaviour.

Anyways....

Enjoy this chapter! 

Chapter 2: Phantasmid (Redump)

I stood on top of the bunker for a while, Like the AC was broken back some so some free wind through my hair and clothes which is always nice. Words weren’t necessary even though I said it was for the socially inept. I can say whatever the hell I want okay!

I clenched the dented charm as if I was a cool shounen protagonist looking at the sunlight and tore my eyes off the sunlight, rather than just an arrow, the whole thing was glowing. I let my haze drift back to the horizon…..

Yeah everything you just read was a lie the sunlight blinded my ass.

“Shit I can’t see Cuntie where are you?!”

“Behind you!”

“Where?!”

“Darn it look out!”

Apparently I almost fell off the bunker to my sad death but Cuntie saved me in time.

“Do you have a death wish, look out where you are going!”

“Bro, everyone would fall to their demise after seeing this scenery just look at it!”

“What the heck, look at what you're legit blind.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because you are pointing at the floor.”

“Oh.”

“Dumbass.”

After itching my eyes for like 3 minutes my eyesight returned, yeah looking at the sun isn’t a good idea, I need to remember that for the future.

“So this is……. Dianutz?!”

His voice sounded sarcastic, as if he knew the answer already.

“No shit Sherlock.”

“Hey you can’t have a sarcastic reply when I am clearly being the sarcastic one here.”

“But you wanted a reply right.”

Cuntie groaned.

My brother can be a brainless mofo sometimes.

*ahem*

“Anyways I need to scream something.”

“Like what?!”

Cuntie made a grave mistake asking that.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH BABBYYYY THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!! THAT’S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!!!”

I grabbed Cuntie by the shoulder.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

“AH SHITA SHUT THE FUCK UP MY EARS HURT!!!”

“Hahaha that’s a you issue teehee.”

“You did not just say that, aren’t you like 10?”

“20”

“Lies.”

“26”

“Stop making the age higher the count every time I answer.”

“36.”

“Ugh, suit yourself I had it!”

“But for real tho we are apparently 16.”

“So dad got our birth certificate wrong?!”

“Yeah, it must be the coke.”

“Yeah no doubt about it..”

Now I felt truly satisfied, I could move on to more important matters.

Suddenly when I tried to look at the sun again and my brother stopped me, an arrow whizzed by, only a few centimeters in front of my face. I blinked and released what was happening.

To my left incorporeal spirits. To my right skin and flesh humans.

We were taught in Avengers: Infinity War but for some reason the budget was only 10 bucks.

“Shita IT’S THE DAMN MAFIA!!!!”

Cuntie grabbed me by the collar and yoinked me back to the safety of the bunker. For a moment I thought of a cursed phrase which would get me canceled so instead, I stumbled beside him until I was stable.

“Bruh why did you do that?”

“Do you want Pablo Escobar to kidnap you?!”

“Cuntie, that’s a dead drug lord, and wasn’t it the mafia?”

“Anyways, it's not like we can go home or something.”

“Are you stupid the ladder in right in front of your face.”

“What ladder I don’t see shit I am blind from the sun, remember?”

“Don’t bring excuses now, we can legit die out there!!”

“Dude it seems that you have courage issues hahaha.”

“Fine then go on a suicide mission you idiot.”

“And you go be a pussy.”

When I said this to Cuntie, well that was the nickname I gave in reality just for a moment he turned into a person known as ‘Kori’.

He was clenching his fists and said something so revolutionary that I was in pure shock.

“I am not a pusssy I got a gf!”

“Wai…”

“And I took a bullet for her last christmas eve!”

“Dude what the fuck you can’t come with this now.”

“And when I am done, I will ask her to meet our family.”

“KORI YOU BASTARD WHAT DID YOU DO!! THIS IS DEFINITELY A RED FLAG YOU RELEASED AHHHHHHH!!!!! WHAT DO WE DO?!!!”

I swatted the person I can no longer call a cunt off my collar and he slapped my hand back, I wanted to beat the living shit out of him but just received information that made my entire life a lie.

“Now Shita, what are you waiting for!” He yapped.

“Just shut it will you?”

“I swear it's that time of the month again, isn’t it?!”

Okay now Kori was officially fucked and save him a uppercunt.

He fell on the ground.

“Ow you damn bitch!”

“Why don’t you have half a brain for once? You can’t say that to girls, don’t you have manners?!!”

“Shita, I got raised by dad. What manners do you expect me to have!”

I mean he was definitely being based on that comment, but maybe it's just that I am build different.

Anyways he shut his mouth after that, so I could use my Jimmy Neutron brain to think.

…….

“So what are we doing now?”

“Kori don’t see I am using 100% of my brain right now, give me 3 minutes!”

Think!

Think!

Think!

A vision of a shield suddenly entered my mind.

Got it!

“We need to look for a shield to protect us from getting sniped by some sweaty call of duty player! Well instead this is real life of course….. Fuck.”

“Btw you should consider getting one yourself, not dying is a nice feeling you know.” I added.

“Yeah, it's already the 5th time you said it…. Nah this is the first time I have seen you use some IQ.”

“Because you are always being a damn cosplayer locking yourself up watching endless Tik Tok of course you would never see me being smart!”

“Keep my hobbies out of it okay? We are in a life and death situation and I could use some food because I am hungry.”

“Go starve! Just get a shield already, you're like a damn baby I have to order around.”

“Calling me a baby meanwhile you’re 10.”

“46.”

“Again lies.”

“DIDN’T WE ESTABLISH THAT WE ARE 16? JUST GET THE DAMN SHIELD!!”

“Okay, okay Karen! Sheesh!”

Anyways I found a slab of concrete broken off from the bunker and heaved it upright. The backside was caked with dirt.

“Help me carry this.”

“Pftt do that yourself missy.”

“Kill yourself.”

“I’m planning to…. Ugh Whatever, fine.”

Kori helped me grab it and hold it out in front of us, with one big HEAVE HO!!!! We hosted it up as a shield.

“Wait shita what happened to using 100% of your brain?!”

“Heh now they can’t hit u-”

“They are schooting from both sides you fucking donkey!”

“The humans won’t shoot us because uhhh morals or something.”

“Shita look at me.”

“What?”

“Humans commit war crimes all the time.”

“Fuck I didn’t think that.”

0-0

PANIC!!!!

No, let's just go through with it. What's the worst that can happen?

I bumped Kori with my hip and sent him flying.

“Hey what was that for?!!”

“Oops sorry.”

We picked up the shield again and were facing the humans, the Phantom creators were still trying to snipe us from a camping spot.

So we did the right thing and switched to the phantom side and took the courage to return to the battlefield!

“Shita, wait”

I gave him a creepy smile.

“Ew… anyways… What if there are land mines?!!”

“Bruh these people are too broke, look at these losers using bow and arrows. How would they have mines?!”

“But..”

“Only but will your ass get kicked if you don’t move it NOW!”

We started flexing our speed through the battlefield, like I hoped the humans were throwing gang signs at us meaning we are homies and didn’t shoot at us.

“See Shita, they are mafia!”

“You dumbass these gangsters don’t see the hand signs!!!”

Each step we took on the muddled stones below brought us closer to the human army. I was beginning to feel safe behind our makeshift barricade.

“Stop!” An unfamiliar voice called out. I turned around and saw a group of humans gangnam styling towards us. Floating runes circled around them, like a magic of some sort or maybe high budget special effects whatever floats your boat.

Kori was in a state of panik. “Oh no Shita they're cringe, look they are using a dead dance to get closer to this, please SHITA I DON’T WANNA DIE. I DON’T WANNA DIE OF CRINGE PLEASE LET'S GET OUT OF HERE LETS RUN! COM-”

I had it with his cowards behavior and get slapped him in the face.

“Ouch this is already the 2nd time today! Why do you keep hitting me?!”

“Because your face asks for it.”

“Hey that’s not true!”

“Shut your strap, don’t you see we are still alive.”

“Hey Kori? KORI?!”

I looked around quickly but I couldn’t find him. Where was he? What happened to him? And was he right? Were the humans truly cringe?!

So I did what everyone would do in this situation:

Run!

But then a realization hit me.

How could I run away by myself leaving my brother behind?! Sure I hate his guts but he was still part of my life.

With Mom not being with us and Dad's whereabouts unknown.

He is the only family that I have left.

That's why…..

I will save him even if it kills me!

I left the shield on the ground and turned away from the humans, staring right at the enemy. My eyes were filled with determination, nothing in this world was important to me there was only one goal, kill them all.

I started running the fastest I could do, my sweat increasing by the minute and my adrenaline going through the roof.

I might not have any superpower nor magic, but these fuckers can’t get away with it.

“HHAAAAAA YOU BASTARDS!!”

I was on a suicide mission running towards my death when-

OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE!!!

A cringy screech emanated through my whole body. I covered my ears that were bleeding at this point, falling to the floor. For a moment everything hurt, then the light in the distance began to fade.

***

“Are you awake?”

A faint cringe still echoed in my ears. I blinked, groggy and as if I was off my meds, however I am taking none in the first place. It was dim outside, I could barely see the shadows looming above. I felt the comfort of something soft beneath me, I didn’t want to make it sus, but damn is it sus.

“You’ve been out for 5 minutes.”

I would have thought of it as a dream, but I never heard this voice before, and thank god that it's just a bed under me.

“Don’t tell me she is fucking dead Middisa, that would be the 7th one this week! Stop ya dumbass try it on something else next time.”

Her voice was raspy and southern, and it made me cringe so hard that this time I think that life is over for me.

Another voice pierced my ears from the left, most likely Middisa who’d been referred to. “I did know that it was going to happen again but not to this strong of an extent.”

Her voice was softer and more midwestern. It was a lot higher than the other girls and that shit is giving me ear cancer.

“Damn ya! We should have just open the shield and-”

“Then we would have gotten trick shot by some sweaty spirit, Aubread.”

“Not if we used that concrete.”

I groaned and went full power just to sit up right. I could barely see the silhouettes of the 2 I heard talking, but one leaning jumped back.”

“Thank God, she’s still alive, we haven’t committed a war crime! Yay!”

0-0 war crimes?!!!

You know what I gotta play it cool.

I rubbed my eyes. “What in the actual hell happened?”

“And she speaks English! Ya know how rare that is? Last time, a kid was talking K-Pop stan language. That’s why we use the gangnam dance to communicate with them.”

“I remember that…” Middisa sighed. “Hey, I can’t really get a good look at her injuries. It's dark.”

Suddenly, a couple of sparks flared up from beside me. I scooted away to avoid their fall.

“Ack! Sorry, it gets hard ta tell what ya can’t see.

“You’re not doing it right!” Middisa screamed bluntly.

A blue light shone from beside me. The source was the hand of a girl just a bit younger than me- she had a look of anxiety on her face. Her short brown hair was pulled back and left to hang in long 2 bangs, thugged behind her ear.

‘Here’s why you’re in honors spellcasting 3 and I ain’t.” Aubread said.

I turned to get a better look at Aubread, who was staring right back. She had her blonde hair tied in a braid on one side and cut straight on the other, her bangs swept to the right rather neatly. Her cutting green eyes sharp, almost slicing my head as he looked at me, peered at me in interest.

Not to mention, she had a cat’s ears and tail. Oh boy if Kori saw this we would go bonkers.. Wait where the hell is he even.

Is he dead?!

Alright they are nice people so I shouldn’t beat their teeths out, imma just ask them later.

“So, uh, hi! Do you know where we are?” Middisa asked.

“I’m in Dianutz right?”

The 2 stared at me as if I just told them a conspiracy theory.

“What MCdonalds is created by the devil after all?”

The 2 of them were now completely lost.

“Uh I don’t know what that is, but the weird thing is that you’re not wrong.” Middisa said.

“Yeah that ain’t normal. Most people when they first get her are totally flabbergasted.” Aubread added.

“I don’t speak Harvard.”

“I don’t know what that is either, but it’s just fun to say hihihi.”

“What's special about how I came here?”

“You and your brother came from earth, and in the middle of the border skirmish too, damn you got guts!”

“Shouldn’t we start with names?” Middisa proposed.

“I’m gettin’ to that.”

“Do it now, you wrench!”

“Sheesh what an aggressive girlie! Name’s Aubread. But they are going to call me ‘Unit General Sumisu’, so get used to that too.”

“Legit no one on this planet calls you that, Aubread and please get a better name for some reason it gives me PTSD.”

“Kysona, ever had someone call you by yer last name before?”

“No, everyone just calls me Middisa, same way they call you Aubread.”

“Ah hang yerself.”

I sighed for a number of reasons.

Well, time to drop my nickname and use the real one my mom gave me.

“I’m Shiera, and WHERE THE FUCK IS BROTHER KORI?!”

I gave them an intimidating look.

I jolted up my feet, and Aubread and Middisa backed up. My sleeping bag shredded by my pure rage.

“TELL ME WHERE THE FUCKER IS OR ELSE IMMA SHAVE YALL BOTH BALD!!!”

“He’s right here jeSUS, they always do that at this time of the month.” Aubread hissed.

I wanted to bite her arm off like a zombie but I kept my chill as she pointed a claw finger a little ways away to another sleeping bag of some sort, Kori rested in it with his arms crossed over his chest.

This bitch is lucky she gets to live another day.

“Haaah. Alright.” I sat down.

“Y’know, I really didn’t think anyone from Earth would come her durin’ a border skirmish.”

“Hold on, explain everything to her.” Middisa demanded.

“Nah Miss anger issues knew this was Dianutz, so she musta swiggity swooty around here before. No need for info dumps.”

She was pissing me off at this point and would rather just punch the both of them in the face, but I needed the information.

I picked my nails.”Actually tell me everything.”

“Wait, ya don’t know, are you retarded?” Aubread wondered.

OMG SHE WAS TESTING MY PATIENCE FOR REAL AHHHHH CALM DOWN SHIRA YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

“My Dad told me about this place once.”

“What’d he say.”

“Well, there was a big war, Queen whatever.. Look my Dad is into coke so I didn’t believe shit.”

Wait, does it mean my dad was right!

I gasped.

“Is this the past?!”

Aubread just looked at me as if she confirmed that I was mentally disabled. It was almost like the face Kori makes which in return made me almost wanna puke. Damn they sure ain’t cutting back on giving me PTSD.

“Bitch, wha?”

I breathed deeply once again. Inner piece yeah….

“He said the Queen drove out the spirits or something, but I guess y’all mid since you’re still fighting them.”

“Don’t call us mid!! And he must have meant Queen Teresa, she drove out the spirits, yeah. But they didn’t really get the memo y’know? Ah poor spirit didn’t know how to use Twitter. Thinking the war still ain’t over yet, so we’re still morbin.”

“Wait what the hell just came out of your mouth?”

“Urrrrr I dunno.” Aubread replied dumbfounded.

“Anyways, why are kids fighting? Shouldn’t there be cannon fodder, oh wait….”

“Stop being rude missy!”

Hehehehe just you wait, imma kick your ass once I figured out this world. I can’t wait.

Aubread continued.

“Attendin’ the war school means ya outta fight in border skirmishes. Its da cost for free education.”

Oh so basically like gangs being a turf war and at the end you get some cash. My Dad used to do that when he was younger to buy prime quality heroin but enough about that.

But if it's FREE education, there shouldn’t…. your government.. Uh… you know what fuck it. When is this my eyesore brother gonna wake up. I can’t let this idiot die on me before he pays back my $10 for buying some 2 KFC combos.”

Aubread shrugged. “Probably never.”

I…………..

My fists are ready time to commit war crimes since Kori said they do it all the time!

They probably saw my face that was out for blood and Middisa was basically shitting her pants.

“NO!” Middisa yelled. “Aubread shut the fuck up, you cunt! He is fine! He’ll wake up just fine.”

“WhAt ThE HeLl DiD YuO Do?!”

I was at a breaking point any more bullshit and I would be in jail for the rest of my life. They better not screw with me or else this is the last moment they get to live!

Middisa chuckled. “He’s fine, Aubread just fell on her head when she was a baby. I don’t she is aware of the seriousness of the situation for-”

“Nah, I know, I just like makin’ stupid jokes.” Aubread said.

“Or she could just like making stupid jokes, I guess.” Middisa sighed.

Damn these bitches making sure they do not meet death's door huh? They are lucky for a second time, however third time's the charm and I will be damned if I do not take that.

“Speaking of that, what kind of Harry Potter shit did you pull on me? With the cringe K-pop and the unconscious?”

Middisa looked intrigued. “K-pop? How loud was it?”

“MY FUCKING EARS BLED!!!”

“Wow hence why you can’t speak at a normal human volume, the more you know Aubread.”

Aubread looked over. “Ya know that ya shouldn’ta use yer bootleg instant transmission shit on a whole-flatass human.”

Oh so now they are insulting my ass too, you know what Kori had the right mindset, we should’ve just left this place. I fucking hate this place and the people.

“Shut up, It worked.” Middisa yelled.

I raised an eyebrow like the rock because this was hella sus. “Huh?”

“I’ll explain later.” Middisa zipped up her first-aid kit and looked over to Kori. “He’ll probably wake up if I tap him.”

“Do that, then, whatever you guys do with people that come from earth.”

Great humans from Earth are all ET’s now, one day I’ll take my revenge so sleep well while you can hehehehe hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

“Yer gonna stay in the medical wing for today.” Aubread said.

“DoNt YoU DaRe To FuCkInG FoOl mE AgIaN.”

Middisa chuckled. “Uh, no, haha, she’s quite right… Curses, spells, possession, diseases, all that stuff. We’ll ask you questions and give you basic rundown, then you decide whenever you stay or go.”

“Oh, Leviosa shit, great!”

I’ll just ask Kori when stuff gets hard, I guess his gacha addiction can really help us out here.

“Levi what? Come with this bullshit again, I won’t teach you anything.” Aubread said solemnly.

Fuck my worst nightmare next to my dad came true.

“You’ll teach me?”

“If you wanna stay. I legit don’t get a choice.” She sighed.

Hmmm lets learn magic, kick her and her friends ass, go back home and flex on the rest of the world hehe this is gonna be amazing.

“Cool.”

While Aubread and I had been talking, Middisa had gone over to wake up Kori. He appeared quite dazed. “Hey whatever-your-name-was. Sierra, right?”

“Shiera With an ‘s-h’. Like ‘Shee-era’.”

“Okay Shiera imma knock your ass out again, bye!”

“YoU DaMn-”

Aubread started to do some big brain moments with her hands. “In case you are possessed we don’t want any spirits knowin’ how you got inta the shields. We’re gonna talk to Kori and knock his ass out too.”

I had no time for questions.

I got insta killed and respawned in some medical bed.

Fuck my life!

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2 out of 3 now adapted if I see complaints now imma go on a 5 page muda roast.

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Author Link: https://www.honeyfeed.fm/u/6805