Soliloquy

“Good morning.”

“It’s already morning?”

“No.”

“What?”

I walked over to her.

“Can you stand up?”

“Could you please give me some water first?”

“Sure, I’ll just get my cup or even better my plastic bottle and fill it up.”

She caught.

“Very funny.”

“If you want water get it yourself, I don’t have anything that can hold water.”

“You really suck at survival scenarios.”

She caught.

“Do I look like I have had to struggle with the idea of survival so much?”

“Well yeah, you do look like that.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Can you stand up?”

“Yes, I think so.”

She carefully stood up while leaning on the stone next to her. Her legs twitched slightly, and her shoes began to slide on the sloping floor. While she lifted her left foot and started to take the first step, I heard the stones slide away under her right foot. Not three seconds later I heard her fall to the ground. I turned my head to her, but she didn't seem to be hurt.

She crawled the few meters to the river and lay down next to me on her belly so that her face was only centimetres away from the water’s surface. Then she stretched her hands forward and formed a bowl with her hands and drank from the river. I waited for her to start yelling again, but she didn't say anything, she just drank in silence. When she finished, she pushed her arm in front of my face.

“Where does the wound come from?”

I leaned back, my gaze wandering from her hand to the deep blue sky.

“You fell down and must have hit some kind of stone. From there I carried you all the way here.”

I don't know why I lied, maybe because I didn't feel like talking to her, but probably because I had gotten into the habit of lying my way out of situations and arguments that I should never have won.

“But wouldn't that cause more of a cut, however, this wound looks like it was created by force alone.”

“Sorry, I did not know that you are an expert in the medical field. But this would at least not be the first field which you know a little too well.”

I had said too much again, another bad habit.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

I stood up and looked over at the sun, it stood low in the sky and shone a deep orange. We were already here for a while, the time passed without me noticing it. I reached into the right pocket of my jacket, they would surely be here soon. I remembered the words of the shadow. He was my future self, and he would have a reason to kill me. Everything I would do if I fought would only be an attempt to rebel against my future self, a fight which I could not logically win.

“Where are you going?”

I turned around and looked at her. Whether they can see her or not, it would be foolish to stay here. Besides, until now I only knew that my past selves couldn't see her. No not even that, I only knew that my past selves couldn't see them before the point when I met her for the first time and even that was speculation.

“You should get some sleep, it might do you some good.”

I turned back around and walked away. I could only hear her ask again behind me…

“But where are you going?”

…I didn’t answer though.

The sun shone in its last minutes from above on the fog and let it shine in a similar deep orange as the rest of the sky. The only thing that interrupted this view were the black clouds that circled the city and numerous smoke trails that continued to fly upward from Its center. The fire that had started from the explosion did not seem to have been diminished by the rain.

I noticed a silhouette stepping out of the mist. But unlike usual, the shadow was not armed. he walked to me and greeted me with a…

“Man, I really didn’t want to walk up here again.”

…and sat down next to me on the ground. He didn't seem to be interested in killing me, he wasn't so different from me, not a bloodthirsty monster after all. To be honest, he was not different from me at all, he was simply me.

“That must be strange for you, that I do not attack you or jump around like a madman.”

I looked down at him.

"You already know that, you were me before, if you haven't forgotten, you should know what's going through my head right now.”

He smiled.

“Just say yes. Or do you want to talk to me like this, but I can guarantee you that constantly racking your brains over our situation doesn't make a conversation any more pleasant.”

I set down next to him. He was looking at the sun as it was vanishing behind the mountains.

“Why are you so different now?”

“It is not so much me who is different from you, you are only now at the point where you start to accept. Think back to the times you knowingly fought against your own future.”

I took a stone the size of a marble that was lying next to me.

“What if you had just been nice to me from the beginning, then maybe this wouldn't have happened.”

He picked up a stone the size of a marble which lay next to him.

“You have to stop asking what if? There is no what if, there is only one course, you should have understood that by now and you must understand that you cannot change it.”

We both threw the stones at the same moment, they collided in the air, fell down and disappeared in the mist.

“Then tell me why I kill my past selves, if there is no what if then at least tell me what is going on.”

He looked down at the ground.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Quite simply because it didn’t happen.”

“What?”

“You see we all perform an act in a stage play of sorts, we all have a role to fulfil. Luckily, we automatically do what happens because it quite simply happens, that is just the nature of fate.”

“And why is that important?”

“Because when I was you the me you are talking to right now didn’t tell me.”

I looked at the horizon as the sun fully vanished behind the mountains. I still lived, this was something I never achieved before.

“But what If you-“

“No, no what if! Didn’t you listen to me, there is no what if, finally understand that we are not in control, it doesn’t matter that you feel like you are the one that can decide, you can’t. If you feel like you are deciding something new you have already done it, it’s your destiny and it always was.”

“Why are you here then, if you don't want to do anything then kill me now, everything else would just be a waste anyway”

“You misunderstand that our decisions are predetermined does not mean they are worthless.”

“Then tell me, what is it, what is it that is of worth for me. And it better be at least somewhat important.”