Chapter 0:

Cast of Characters

Pun Detectives!

Wallace Wade - That would be me. I was just your ordinary, everyday high schooler until I got roped into becoming a pun detective by my mad (scientist) grandfather. Sounds cool, right? Wrong. It’s the pits. Well, at least when you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up.

Lily Lilac - A girl whose job is to help me solve the school’s pun problem. For some reason, she dresses like a Victorian maid. When I first met her, she was working as a lunch lady in the school cafeteria. Has the bad habit of silently sneaking up on people, especially me. And oh yeah, guess what? She’s a robot.

Striking Eyes - A popular girl with striking eyes.

Maximillion Majesty - $$$

Greg Gregson - The stockier half of my two best friends. I’ve been through thick and thin with Greg. The Great Grass Stain Crusade of 5th Grade. The Downhill Climb. And who could forget The Dry Ice Incident? I just wish he’d eat a little slower. If I ever have to give anyone the heimlich, it’ll be him.

Evan Evans - The lankier half of my two best friends. Evan was never much of a talker, but ever since the latest Cross Crash expansion came out, he’s hardly uttered a single word. Heck, I’ve hardly seen him pull his eyes away from his phone screen. He probably even plays in the shower.

William Wade - My grandfather. He’s a mad scientist. Emphasis on the “mad,” cause he’s certifiably insane. Unfortunately for me, and also everyone else, he’s the principal of my school. Now, I know what you’re thinking: that “mad scientist + principal” sounds like the most insidious combination possible. And you’re right. He’s never seen without his signature shades. Regrettably, I know he wears those in the shower. Please don’t ask how.

Wanda Wade - My dearly beloved late grandmother. May her soul rest in peace.

Oliver - A minifridge.

Fiona Flamberge - A language arts teacher with fiery red hair. My language arts teacher with fiery red hair, in fact. Go figure. The object of at least half that class’ affections too. Honestly, I don’t blame them. Not an easy grader.

Quentintino Quint - My 5th-period marine biology teacher. He lost his hand in a freak accident involving a shark and a bean salad, and now he has a hook in its place.

Rita Roach - My math teacher. Legend has it she’s as old as math itself.

Brian M. Icebrand - A.k.a. “Icy Brian.” My P.E. teacher. He won an Olympic bronze in curling wearing flip flops and isn’t in the habit of letting anyone forget it, probably because it’s all been downhill for him since. The vibe of his class flip flops between summer camp and boot camp. It all depends on his mood.

Tom Treble - A perpetually teary-eyed music teacher. He can never see where he’s going through the misty blur, so he ends up marching the band into the worst predicaments possible.

Laura Lax - The school nurse. Takes her job as seriously as an ER surgeon, probably because she used to be an ER surgeon. All anyone’s ever seen of her is a single surgical-gloved hand poking out from behind some curtains.

Mrs. Bagge - The oldest and most respected lunch lady at school. Has to be pushing 100 by the looks of it. Often seen on campus after school with her twig-thin husband and their purple dog. A chainsmoker.

Eustace - Mrs. Bagge’s husband. Currently in retirement. Spends his days in bliss and suspenders. His hobbies are taking his dog for walks and visiting his wife at work, and he usually checks both off the list at once.

Six-Eyed Sheldon - His eyesight’s so bad his glasses need glasses. Eight-Eyed Eliza is his girlfriend.

Eight-Eyed Eliza - The only kid in my entire school with worse eyesight than Sheldon. May they spend many blissful, blurry years together.

Monty Mondas - The president of the karate club. A senior with short, spiky hair and a sparkly earring. In other words, he looks like he jumped straight out of 2002.

Tuesday Tweedle - A member of the karate club. Only wears graphic tees or karate gis.

Wednesly Wincler - A member of the karate club. Wears a pair of perpetually broken glasses, mended at the bridge with a circle of tape.

Theodore Thurston - A former member of the karate club. He quit after losing faith in the club for multiple reasons.

Dr. Ulysses F. Octagon - A local optometrist at Uniform Fit Optometry. Favorite snack = salted pretzels.