Sunk From the Boat

It was Friday of the first week. The sakura trees in the central courtyard of our school had pink cherry blossoms in contrast to the white ones in the flower garden. These ones budded faster, and I watched their rapid growth through the window of my classroom everyday.

Being seated at the back was a blessing. I never paid attention to the lectures because I always taught myself the material back at my apartment; I had nothing better to do anyways. Alongside staring out the window, I wrote poetry in my notebook.

I repeatedly rewrote poems from the card game Karuta in hopes of getting some inspiration to make a poem of my own, but always got nothing. It never bothered me though, because I loved the poems. It was one of the few things I could "love" in this world.

While writing, I got an ache in my right hand. This was a common occurrence, and the way I dealt with it was by playing piano – well, air piano. I rubbed my knuckles from over my glove and exercised my fingers by tapping imaginary piano keys on my desk.

I also had a strain in my neck, so I lifted my head and stretched it out. Taking a glance around me, all I could see were the backs of people I could never get to know, despite having every opportunity to do so. I wasn't like them; I was different...but not in a good way.

I wasn't a boat that flowed with the river, but more like an object on that boat. In my second-year of middle school, it used to be me and several friends on a boat flowing through life's currents; helping each other out. But rivers can be shaky, and stuff can fall out if not steered correctly. I steered us into a current so brutal it shook our boat until our friendship was broken, and I fell off the boat to sink alone in the river – stuck in place.

Burdens were placed on my shoulders which were too heavy for me to flow with the current any further, and I couldn't go back. I was like a lost bracelet; easily replaced and collecting dirt under the river. Life went past me as other boats filled with friends avoided the mistake I made with mine.

Classmates always got together after each period while I stayed glued to my seat with disappointment bruised to my right hand. I wasn't angry at them for having friends, because it was my choice to not make any anymore. There was a possibility that I could make friends again and avoid the mistake I made, but there was a larger possibility that I repeated the same mistake; that's what I was scared of.

The first half of school was done. After picking up lunch from the cafeteria, I went to the flower garden. The inside of the hedge was cozy and warm due to the sun directly above my head, and the wall my back leaned against was cushy with soft leaves. It reminded me of a secret pillow fort I used to make when I was a happy child.

Other than the anomaly that happened here after the first day of school, nothing about my life was different from how I spent my third-year of middle school. Lunch never filled me up, but I was in no position to complain. I continued working on writing poetry while also failing at making my own; there was also the occasional piano playing.

I knew why I failed: I was inexperienced with change. As soon as something hurt me – and others – in my life, I chose to hide myself to ensure I – and others – would never get hurt again. I couldn't write a good poem because I was unable to use the experience needed to make something meaningful, but again, that was okay.

Of course I didn't like this choice, but it was better for everyone and myself if I stuck with it. It's not like I'm alone because I had the poems and Swani with me. They were all I needed to help me get through middle school without anyone else, and I wanted to repeat it for my three years of high school.

The bell rang for the second half of school to commence. While returning back to class, I overheard complaints from students in first-year classes about a surprise test they'll take in their final period. Complaints like that bothered me, because there was nothing anyone could do besides just doing the task. Rebelling and moaning about it was as much a pain as the task itself; if not, more. The sooner one sits for their task, the sooner it's over – no stress.

I repeated my standard routine for the last three classes without difficulty. I was reading a Karuta book when the dismissal bell rang. That was my cue to leave straight to my apartment, but I was too enthralled in the book to get up immediately, which was a mistake.

"...-kun?" called a student, elongating the last syllable in my family name.
He was turned sideways in the seat in front of me. My attention was caught by the tapping of his hand on my desk.

I closed the book in a panic, but didn't look at his face directly – for obvious reasons.
"S-Sorry about that," I responded. "Wh-What's up?"

"I'm on clean'n duty, but the soccer club has a meet I need t'go to. I was wonder'n if we could switch roles, just for today?"

I figured out that the easiest way to get by in life without connections was by doing nothing: Stuck in one place and let the water flow around me. I did things as quickly as possible to end things quicker and return to my state of solitary. This meant I didn't argue back even if I had a counterpoint ready.

My counterpoint was that I wanted to leave school immediately, but I didn't bother arguing. Being alone in class wouldn't be so bad, so I agreed to his request. He said one more thing before leaving me alone in class, but it was directed to two other students.

"Hey! You two idiots!" he called out. "Stop writ'n and get to the pitch already!"

I looked up to see him speaking to my two ex-friends, who I guess could be called my "bullies," at the front of the classroom. They laughed and snickered as the boy with heterochromatic hair ushered them out and apologized, at first I didn't know what for. They left the door open, which I was going to close before I turned to the board and saw the reason of apology:

The One and Only Kiyoshi! He Made Jino Leave!
The One and Only! Mop Water Makes Him Heave!
You've Got No Friends!

My face remained unchanged as I read it, the insults didn't really hit me the way they probably wanted it to hit. I was more focused on that student apologizing for something that wasn't his fault, but mine. I felt guilty for being the cause of trouble for him.

I picked up the eraser and began wiping down the board. Once I was done, I cleaned the desktops. I put the cleaning equipment away in the locker at the front of the class when my ear twitched and heard the front door slam shut.

There was no silhouette on the other side of the paper panel of the door, so I assumed it was simply a teacher passing by. I grabbed my schoolbag and went to reopen the door to leave, but it was stopped from the other side with only a tight gap opening. I pulled harder on the handle but was met with resistance, then a voice I had forgotten spoke.

"You're...strong!"

I immediately stopped forcing the door open and took a couple steps back. My eyes became blurry for a brief moment before widening in dismay as a silhouette finally appeared on the panel. For a split second, I was brought back to the hedge, staring interestingly at the figure who sat on the other side of it.

"Why are you here?" I asked her; the class representative.

"I was leaving class when I saw you cleaning, Class 1-A-kun. I recognized you because of your hair. I still want to pet it by the way!"

Class...what? I guess she still doesn't know my name, but knowin' what class I'm isn't really good either... Wh-Whatever.

"Why couldn't you just keep walkin'?" I asked again.

"W-Well, because I wanted to talk to you at the hedge."
Unlike most people who talked to me, her voice reverberated off my ears. I don't know if that was a good thing or not, but it was different.

Nevertheless, I let out an audible sigh.
"I'm sure your actual friends will suffice–"

"The hallways are clear, over," she interrupted.
She was still as childish as ever.
"I want to talk to you about my secret. Do you remember it?"

It would be impossible to deny and pointless to lie, so I affirmed.

"Good! We had this surprise test in my class and it really spiked my anxiety. Even though it's over, I still feel the stress lingering inside me. Sooo, because it worked last time, I feel like talking about it would dissipate it!"

"Can't you bother some other stranger in this school, or better yet, country?"

"Of course not! I wouldn't find any of them as special as you!"

"What?"

"Whosaidthat?" she said as one full word.
I couldn't believe half the things I was hearing.
"I mean special in an interesting way. I don't want a friend to tell this to, and for some reason, you are the only person who'd make sure a friendship would never happen between us. Anyone would think that's interesting."

My mind tried to compute a response, but I only gave her silence. Swani was telling me not to do anything with her and leave. For whatever reason, I convinced myself that I was still stuck under the river, and she was simply someone who dived under and saw me, but she'd never pick me up and bring me to the surface with her.

"Okay..." I agreed.

"Yay! Okay okay, I'll head there first. Is it okay if I take the inside wall this time?"

"You should know that I really don't care."

"Woo-hoo! I'm off then!"

In order to not see her walking in front of me, I waited a couple of minutes before leaving too.

Stepping out of the classroom, I began walking down the hallway. The path to the shoe lockers was to my left; I could leave without worry. But when I found myself walking past the soccer club in the grass, entering the narrow passage, and seeing the hedge...I realized that I wasn't staying stuck in the river.