Keepin' Secrets

How could a girl I met only once before and haven't even seen at all manage to shift me ever so slightly from my solitary place under the river? Was she even real, or was she someone I made up like Swani?

Why... Why was it that she seemed special in an interesting way too?

*Stop thinking about that and think about how you're leading yourself to the same mistake again. No matter how slow you take it, you will see that this girl will become like Jino... You know that.*

Arriving at the hedge cleared my mind. I realized the girl never told me where she'd sit, and I couldn't peek over to the other side or else I'd see her. Still, despite that, I made my way to the left side of the entrance – where she sat when we first interacted.

"I'm impressed," she spoke out. "Seems like you already knew where I'd be."
She gave a short, soft laugh.
"Take a seat."

We had basically swapped positions. I sat down on the grass between bare flower shrubs with no signs of buds on them and faced the plain gym wall in front of me. The shrubs' dirt was actually more sandy and dry compared to the rest.

Knowing I wouldn't start the conversation, the girl said, "Do you know the species of flower growing on either side of us? I'll give you a hint: They're a great nectar source for butterflies."
She must've been rhetorical about her question, guessing that my answer would be silence.
"'Butterfly weeds' are their common name. They're a species of milkweed that actually bloom in the summer rather than spring. In the springtime, this flower requires a lot of care."

"Summer?" I repeated. "Huh, of course."
I ran my fingers through my hair as I turned to see the shrubs.
"So, will these bloom this summer?"

"They shouldn't. Butterfly weeds typically take three years to fully bloom and show their petals. It seems like these were planted last autumn, which means they won't fully bloom until the summery start of our third year. However, a small bloom in their second year is likely to happen"

Would I still be sittin' here by that time? I thought.
I would. That question should've changed the "I" with another word.

She continued, "Sometimes, they can fully bloom in just two years! It's uncommon, but still possible with the precise amount of care!"
Her excitement had changed her voice a little, accent-wise. It sounded rather foreign.

I sat up straight and tilted my neck back until I was staring at the silky collision between orange and blue in the sky, mixed with a bit of white too. My right hand naturally tapped away on my left forearm.
I wondered, What does the butterfly weed symbolizes? Is there a good and bad meanin' to it? Would she tell me if I ask her?

*Stop thinking about it.*

The girl ruffled the leaves and grunted in a way that made it sound like she was stretching.
"Okay, Class 1-A-kun, rules are simple: You're simply going to sit still and listen to everything I say. Got it?"

"R-Right..."
I heard her schoolbag unzip, then she rummaged inside it. She let out a little "Aha" when I heard the shaking of many little objects inside some sort of container.

"Class 1-A-kun, catch!" she shouted.

I looked up and saw a small, beige plastic bottle tossed over the hedge. I caught it one-handed and turned it around to see the label that was printed on it.
"Xanapril," I said.

"That's the drug I'm supposed to take to help my anxiety, but you already knew that. I'm supposed to take two capsules a day, which I've been doing for over a year now."

"And the Benadryl?" I asked.

"That's not used for anxiety, silly. My mother and I have spring allergies that cause us to sneeze a lot; Benadryl helps with that. Have you ever had to take them?"

"I don't really get sick or have any allergies. My mom and sister don't either, so we haven't had to get prescribed drugs. Here, catch."
I returned her container back to her.

"Luckyyy! Ow!"
I think she caught the bottle...with her head. Her foreign lilt had briefly returned.
"Anyways, in my second-year of junior high, I had a burnout from pushing myself too hard and my grades slipped. Everyone started to become concerned about me because I was no longer surpassing their expectations, but falling short of them. They acted differently and things began to change, and I didn't like that. The pressure of failing revealed itself to me, which caused me to stress to the point where I developed anxiety before every test or exam."

I had questions, like, Why did you feel the need to meet their expectations in the first place? or Did you enjoy bein' called a 'prodigy'?, but I wouldn't ask her because I didn't want to know. I needed to keep my distance. 

She continued, "I went to a therapist to check my mental health, which led to a psychiatrist prescribing me Xanapril to help relieve stress. I asked them to keep this a secret from everyone else, because if they knew, it could make things worse."

I tilted my head in confusion at the way her voice became somber.
She wants to avoid tellin' them, but how would that create problems?

"The therapy was greater than the Xanapril at relieving stress, but I couldn't continue it without people finding out. You're probably thinking why I couldn't just tell them, but I was scared. Yes, they might help ease the stress, but I was scared that things would change as a result, and it might lead to something terrible. We were all happy when I succeeded, but if they knew that I was secretly struggling while they were happy, then they might feel responsible and everything would be different."

"That's why you turned to flowers," I added. "You put the burdens you carried onto the flowers instead of your people."

"Mhm!" she affirmed. "Expressing to the flowers helped me enough to climb back to the top, and everyone's concerns began to disappear. Everything was normal again without change, and that was how I liked it."

But flowers weren't enough, since you switched to me. Still, what made me "special in an interestin' way" for you to do that?
Once again, I didn't ask her my question. I had to make sure that no matter what she told me, I wouldn't do anything to establish a connection that could lead to us becoming friends. I still believed that because we didn't know each other's name and appearance, we weren't connected.

She said, "I wanted to talk to the flowers about today's surprise test, but you came to mind when I thought of the garden. That's why I've dragged you here against your will, to offload a whole bunch of useless information."
She exhaled loudly, I assumed it was for dramatic effect.

The girl's secrecy led me to suspect this happy and chipper personality she presented me and others with was some sort of mask. From what I've heard from other students and witnessed myself, her true, stressed out self was kept out of sight from her friends and family. Since I was neither of those to her, she decided to unmask around me.

I thought for a moment, scratching the back of my head, then said, "So, your secret isn't just the Xanapril, but also the anxiety. You're worried that...if people find out, burdens will be created for everyone involved. Unnecessary blame will be pointed at people from other people, and everythin' around you'll begin to fall apart and change."

*We agreed to not say anything. You're supposed to let her talk while doing nothing.*

I responded to Swani, I know, but she's like me before losin' my friends. Keepin' how you feel a secret can't prevent burdens from happenin'. She still has a chance to avoid my mistake.

The girl giggled, "Fufu. Look at you, paying attention."
The volume of her voice indicated she was facing the hedge.
"Quite pathetic of me, isn't it?"

*Don't help her––*

I ignored Swani and said, "Well, you're still better than me."
I rolled the right sleeve of my school blazer to my elbow.
"At least you expressed how you felt to somethin', meanwhile I did nothin' about it. Hindsight showed me that holdin' stuff in can create even bigger burdens, so it's a good thing you did so with the flowers. But, I think you should stick with them rather than me."

The hedge rustled and slightly bent. She must've leaned her back on it.
"I'm quite relieved you didn't tell me your name, because it's like you said: We have no connection to each other. I'm taking stuff off my shoulders, but I'm not putting them on yours, am I?"

"W-Well, no," I replied. "B-But, we still run the risk of findin' out about each other's missin' pieces. If we keep talkin' often, then there's no doubt that somethin' would change. You don't want that, right?"

"Then... How about we make a deal!" she exclaimed engagingly.

This girl, who I met only once before and haven't even seen at all, had shifted me even more from my solitary place. She could do that because she was a real person, unlike the one I created to remind me of my past mistake. She was someone who loved flowers, kept secrets, and was becoming special in an interesting way to me, too.