I can't focus. [Do-over]

“Yo, Taro Bro, wanna walk to tutor together?”

It’s staggering how fast she can go back to acting as if nothing happened. While I had spent the entirety of yesterday evening worried that things are gonna be weird between me and Hanji, she appears to have not thought about it at all, as she casually shows up at my door in the morning and invites me to walk with her.

“Ah- sure, let me just grab my stuff and I’ll be with you.”

“Aight man, just hurry it up, we don’t got all day.”

Hanji. A person who lives her life at full speed, never hitting the breaks for even a moment. Being around her makes everything move at a pace that sweeps me away, never giving me a chance to find my footing. Frankly, I couldn’t have chosen more incompatible person to be my first friend here, but that’s how the chips fell, and now I’m being dragged along behind her, completely out of my depth and completely above my speed limit.

Although, thankfully she has learned to slow down in a physical sense. Unlike my first day, she doesn’t drag me by the arm as we walk down the hall, instead slowing herself to match my pace. Baby steps, but I appreciate the change nonetheless.

“Your first chemistry lecture today, right?”

“Uhh… yeah, just after lunch.”

“How you feelin’ about it?”

“…alright, I guess. I was always pretty good at chemistry before, so if I ignore the staring and just do the work I should be fine.”

“Yeah, you got this man. Just gotta keep that paranoia in check.”

“Heh, were only it so easy.”

“Well, I know the guys in our chemistry class. They might be a lil bit curious, but they tend to stare a lot at me and I find it’s pretty easy to just stare back until they look away.”

“That… works?”

“Helps a lot if you crack your knuckles as you do it too.” For once, one of Hanji’s jokes actually gets a chuckle out of me.

We make more small talk as we walk, and before long we’re outside Kyoshi’s tutor room. As we arrive, I realise I had been completely relaxed for most of the journey here, simply engaging in conversation with Hanji as if we were the best of friends. I’m momentarily taken aback by how fast I had become comfortable talking with her, but as I think on it I realise she had deliberately engineered it that way.

Engaging me with personal topics that aren’t too private, sharing her own experiences to establish a link, lightening the mood with humour… it’s like she planned every step of the conversation to make me drop my guard as hard as possible.

The thought brings me some momentary discomfort, but considering she didn’t use the opportunity to try to get anything from me, I decide I should let it go. Even if the method is manipulative, if she’s genuinely trying to talk to me in a way that’s intended to establish a relationship, I have little to complain about. I just have to be conscientious enough to not let her use me.

“You good, man? You’ve looked all distant and shit since we got here.” Hanji’s comment reminds me that I am, in fact, in public with other people and not just spacing out in my room.

“Ah- yeah, sorry. Just the meds,” I lied, carefully sidestepping any mention of my distrust for her.

“Well snap out of it, dude, Kyokyo’s gonna be here any minute.”

“R-right, my bad.” Something tells me my ability to concentrate on the tutor session is going to be hampered either way.

***

As Kyoshi continues her long talk about applying to university and writing personal statements, I find myself constantly distracted by the carefree girl next to me. Every now and then, Hanji does something like shooting me a smile or subtly passing me a note when Kyoshi’s not looking.

I can’t help but feel like every action she takes is a deliberate choice to close the gap between us as fast as possible, but she also has yet to give me a reason to distrust her outside of the obvious elephant in the room. I don’t really take in any information the whole session, instead having my head occupied with mind games, trying to figure out which of Hanji’s actions are genuine and which are deliberate manipulations.

Every time I feel like I’m getting somewhere, she throws me something else that throws me through a loop. Frankly, understanding her feels like a Herculean task.

As if in cue, my thoughts are interrupted by her slyly slipping another note in front of me.

You planning to apply for uni?

Once again she seems to be trying to take an interest in my life. I’ve no doubt that she doesn’t actually care, but it’d be rude to not at least try to engage with the conversation.

Yeah, for a batchelors in computer science. You going for psychology, I guess?

Yee, prolly gonna stay the full 10 years or so for a PsyD

Ten years?!

4-5 for masters then 4-6 for doctorate lol

Holy shit

One thing I can’t fault Hanji for is ambition. She has a goal and she seems to be willing to go the distance. A quick look at her face after that last message tells me she has both a lot of pride and a lot of confidence in her ability, although I somewhat expected that.

I also notice Kyoshi look at the note as I hand it back to Hanji, but she doesn’t stop to acknowledge it. Between the nicknames, snark and note passing, I’m noticing more and more that tutors and lecturers here are far more lenient on disrespect than in other places. And also that Hanji seems to know exactly what limits she can push to.

I’m unsure if I’ll ever get used to this environment, or the people in it.

“That’s all we have time for today, but remember by office hours are Monday to Friday from 8am to 6pm, so feel free to drop by for advice on applications at any time.” Two thirds of the class weren’t listening to Kyoshi’s closing statement, having already begun preparing to leave the second the bell had started ringing.

“Yo, Taro bro, you got anything on for lunch today?” Hanji asks, having already packed and seemingly waiting for me to join her.

“Other than my usual plans of not eating enough and wallowing in self hatred, I’m free.”

“Cool, wanna join me on the roof again?”

“Do we have to break and enter again?”

“Hey, if they didn’t want me to pick the lock, they wouldn’t have bought a shitty Masterlock.” She laughs at her own joke once again, and I fail to conceal my own smirk. I think she’s starting to rub off on me.

“Alright, I’ll join you on the roof again. It is nice up there.”

“Nice, then it’s a date.”

“Sure thi-“

Wait, it’s a fucking what?