Pun Detectives and the Gift of the Magi (Part 4)

“By the way, Boss,” Lily said, “what kept you? You promised to be here this morning.”

“Oh, right. I, uh, got kind of side tracked wrapping up the case. But it’s all over now. The violins are now safely back in marching band hands. Plus, Mr. Treble’s handling the Vance situation and grandpa’s taking care of the broken skylight.”

“I see. That is good then. I believe you did the right thing, Boss.”

“Actually, you should’ve come with me. To return the violins I mean. I guess I should’ve told you, huh? I think I already got used to you not answering your phone though. You had it off all week, right? I couldn’t get through to you at all.”

“About that, Boss… I have one more thing to show you. Please, follow me.”

I followed her lead, wending through all the paraphernalia. The place was definitely more cramped now, but for some reason or another, all the stuff she’d managed to cram in made it feel bigger rather than smaller.

When we got to the round table in the center of the room, we stopped. For the second time in all of five minutes, it was like my heart skipped a beat and my breath missed a measure. Atop the table was something I thought I’d never lay eyes on again, just sitting there like it was nothing.

But it wasn’t nothing.

It was something.

Something really, seriously amazing.

I picked it up, ran my hands over its smooth face, along its straight spine, just to make sure it was real. I wasn’t dreaming, was I? Please, someone, say no.

“No,” someone said.

Thanks.

It was my old cactus care book, the one Lily had ruthlessly gutted, good as new now. Scratch that — better than new. Hell, this was what Striking Eyes’ gum should’ve been: mint.

“Lily… How did you… Where did you… What did you… Who did you… When did you… Why did you…” I was stammering and choking and blubbering and I didn’t even care.

Finally, I managed to say it: “How did you put my book back together?”

She shook her head. “This is not the same book as the one I ruined, Boss. It is a replacement. And it is the least I could do.”

I leafed through the book, letting its cool, glossy pages tick past my fingers one by one, fall from hard cover to hard cover. There wasn’t a leaf or a stem in sight. Every glossy picture, every detailed passage was ripe with spiny, leafless succulents and the best info you needed to take care of them. It was all cacti front to back. Cacti all the way down. The genuine article.

“But I don’t understand. Where did you get this? This book is out of print. Has been for ages. And whenever it pops up on online auctions, it goes for way too much. How did you even get your hands on another copy? And in this condition?”

“The copy you hold in your hands was purchased on the dark web, Boss.”

So that was it. The dark web, huh? She’d gone through lengths to nab this thing then. There couldn’t have been more than a handful of them left in the world — at least not ones this pristine. I was grateful. Humbled, even, that she’d tracked one of these things down for me.

But what she didn’t know was that it was all for nothing.

I sighed. Deep. Like I was a balloon that knew it had been punctured and was just letting the air whistle out.

“What’s wrong, Boss?” Lily asked with her usual cock of the head.

“A whole lotta bad luck is what’s wrong,” I replied. “It’s ok. It’s not your fault. Or mine. It’s a just a stupid dumb coincidence is all.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, thing is… my entire cactus collection? My garden back home I mean. What I used this book for originally.”

Her nod told me she was following.

“I sold it.”

Blink.

Blink blink.

“...Boss?”

“Yep. Sold it. Well, more like traded it, really. Every last cactus. Over the weekend. I had something I wanted in return for it, and I figured with my book now in shreds and halfway to some landfill somewhere, well, might as well just put an end to my stint as a wannabe cactus gardener once and for all.”

Forlorn. It was how this sudden revelation left Lily looking. And it was how I felt inside too.

“But hey,” I said, “look on the bright side. Like I said, I got something good in return. Something you’ll like. Hang on.”

I moved to the couch, grabbed my bag from the hidden depths of its cushions, slid back to Lily. I showed her what I was talking about. The present I’d been planning on giving her.

“Here. This is for you.”

She pawed the thing, a little nervously at first, but then took it, flipped it around to its back and then back to its front, eyed it from every angle.

“What is it, Boss?”

“It’s a screen protector. For your phone. And not just any screen protector. This screen protector is completely resistant to heat and sunlight. Hate to admit it, but Grandpa comes up with some decent inventions every now and then.”

“You got this from Kingcipal Wade?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t cheap though.”

“So your entire cactus collection…?”

“That’s right.” I nodded. “His now. Who knows why he wanted it? I don’t. Don’t even care. He’s probably up to no good with it, but not my problem. All I wanted out of the deal was the screen protector. It’s yours now, Lily.”

“Boss?”

“You heard me. Take it. You’ve been secretly giving the cactus here a sunlight shower every day with that sun app on your phone, right?” I thought back to one week ago, the day all this started. She’d been showering a cactus with “sunlight,” her phone taped to a watering can with an image of a sun displayed. During this past week of nonstop rain, it had made all the difference. “Don’t think I didn’t notice how healthy it was looking, even while you were gone last week.”

“You knew I was coming here every day then?”

“Sure did. And that has to be why you overheated, right? All that sun every day? Powerful app, huh?”

“I did not think of that. I suppose that is the reason after all… But Boss, I cannot accept this gift. As I have stated, there is no need for you to ask my forgiveness whatsoever. I appreciate this gesture more than words can describe. But I am the one to blame for my absence, and for all the trouble I have caused, not to mention all of my faults. Therefore, you do not need to apologize to me. This apology gift is not necessary.”

“I never said it was an apology gift,” I said. “It’s a thank you gift.”

“Boss?”

“I didn’t want to give this to you to say sorry. I wanted to give it to you to say thank you. For all the times you’ve saved my skin. And for all the times you’ve been there for me. I think you’re the first one in a long time who's had some faith in me. So thank you, Lily. From the bottom of