Let me hear that call

"My last meal has arrived."

I opened the door to receive the BBQ ribs from the new restaurant that's located near the apartment I'm renting.

The delivery man was a friendly boy who smiled at me at all times. I gave him my last $5 as a tip, to try to repay that false kindness. After all, there’s no point in saving money anymore: Today I'll end my life.

I placed the ribs on the table and opened the refrigerator to look for the last beer I’d left. Unfortunately, when trying to uncover it I made a bad move and the bottle ended up smashed on the floor. For a moment I wanted to clean up the spilled liquid on the floor, but I quickly thought: What for?

"Anyway, when they find my body they won't care if there's some spilled beer in the kitchen."

Nothing matters anymore.

I left the fridge door open and walked out of the apartment. I climbed the stairs of this horrible building and headed to the roof. I began to reflect on my life.

I used to live in a nice house with a large, green garden where my children played. My wife had some beautiful roses that she cared for every day. When I came home tired from work, I liked to see the children's toys lying on the grass and the flowers adorning the windows, which always seemed to welcome me.

I lost all that love in an instant.

I reached the roof. The night seemed to have a special glow, or perhaps it was because it'd been a long time since I'd paid so much attention to the sky. After a few minutes of stargazing, I stood on the edge of the building. There were 10 floors that separated me from my end.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I looked down just for a few seconds; my heart began to sound like a wild drum, my legs and arms trembled with fear and the ticking of the watch on my wrist sounded like a bell in my ears.

"I can't!"

I jumped back and fell on my back.

"My love, you're ruled by Eros."

Those words echoed in my head.

My wife was an incredible psychologist, who loved to talk about those topics: Eros and Thanatos, the impulse of life and death, her face lit up in a beautiful way when she explained all those concepts to me.

"There's no death without life, nor life without death."

After long hours of talking, she always ended with that sentence.

Lately, I think she was wrong. In the end, if I were ruled by Eros I wouldn't have killed her and our children.

Thanatos is the one who rules me.

Thanatos was the one who ordered me to drive that night.

Thanatos was the one who told me to change the radio station and forget about the road.

Thanatos made me crash and lose my family.

I got back on my feet, and instead of trying to jump to my death I decided to take in the view for a bit; Without a doubt, it's a rather discouraging landscape.

The building is located in one of the poorest areas of the country. Crime is a common thing that residents have to deal with, infrastructure is deplorable and basic services are always in short supply. It's very difficult to prosper when you were born here: I know this because I did it.

I studied harder than anyone else to get into a good university, I joined a big company and started from the lowest level, until little by little I gained promotions.

When I was where I wanted, I met the most beautiful woman my eyes have ever seen. I got married and had two beautiful children whom I loved more than my own life. The reason for my existence became simply to make my family happy.

So…why?

Why when I lost everything didn't I have the courage to go with them?

I did cowardly things like turning to alcohol, then drugs. Thanks to that I lost my job and my friends. Then, money started to run out, so I sold my old house, and with what I got I continued my life of vices.

They were all cowardly acts, I never had the courage to truly follow my loved ones into death.

"It's today, I have to stop being a damn coward and do it now"

I stood on the edge of the building again.

My wife had treated several cases of people who survived suicide attempts. She used to say that those ruled by Thanatos received a "calling", which was present in the pupil of their eyes.

"It's something fascinating, those people's eyes are totally empty. As if a part of their soul was no longer on earth."

Of course, she told me that there were cases in which these people managed to escape the "call" and over time recovered their lives.

I wonder if I have that look right now.

I looked down again, the fall still scared me.

"Thanatos, if you truly exist, please, I beg you, let me hear that call."

I looked up at the sky to try to find the answer I was looking for in the moon. I wanted to get a message from Thanatos, or a damn sign from someone.

"THANATOS, HERE I AM! I WANT TO HEAR YOUR CALL, TAKE ME TO MY WIFE AND CHILDREN."

I began to scream and sob with my arms open. From the bottom of my heart I wanted to jump and end my suffering, but my useless body wasn't respecting my wish.

"DAMN IT, THANATOS, I'M BEGGING YOU! LET ME BE RULED BY YOU."

For a moment my feet reacted to my commands and I stood on tiptoe.

"YEAH! KEEP IT UP, THANATOS!"

I was smiling, for the first time in a long time I felt alive.

"I'M READY, THANATOS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HELP."

The blood was running through my veins again. When I looked down I no longer felt afraid, quite the opposite; It was a kind of excitement similar to that of a child who has been waiting in line at the amusement park to ride the roller coaster.

I spread my arms like wings.

"Goodbye, horrible nightmare."

I jumped.

When I was falling, something felt strange. It didn't seem like this was the end.

There was no slow motion, nor a sequence with the best moments of my life.

I just hit the ground, and there was my wife.

As beautiful as always, her emerald eyes looked at me very sweetly. She approached slowly, and placed her hands on my face.

"I'd already told you, my love. You're ruled by Eros."

Having her this close again was magnificent. Like birds singing at dawn, the sound of her voice calmed me and gave me peace… peace I hadn't felt in years.

"It's not time to be together again yet. You have to wake up."

WAKE UP!?

NOOOOO, PLEAAAASE!

I wanted to tell her that my desire was to be here with her forever, but my voice didn't come out.

She slowly walked away from me with a smile. Desperate, I tried to go after her, but it was also impossible for me to move.

The only thing I could do was raise my right arm to try to reach her, but it was useless. She faded away.

"PLEASE DOOOON'T LEAVE MEEEE."

I woke up screaming and sweating on the living room couch.

I looked around and the plate of ribs was already cold on the table, and in the kitchen the beer was still spilled on the floor.

In the end, it was all a dream.

Suddenly, my cell phone started vibrating like crazy. The screen showed a bunch of missed calls from an old friend. We haven't spoken in years, it's incredible that he still has my cell phone number.

I checked my messages and there was a very long one from him:

“I tried to call you, but you didn't answer. If I'm honest, I didn't want to talk to you again, you know you haven't been well. Anyway, the truth is... I know it'll sound crazy, but I'd a very strange dream. Your wife asked me in tears to help you. She told me about a calling, something about... Eros? I didn't fully understand it. Well, I don't care if you don't believe me, just call me back when you read this”

I started crying like a little child. Everything I dreamed was real, my wife was there with me.

I didn't receive the call from Thanatos, because Eros rules me. And I plan to listen to him.

I'll call him back, and then... I need to find a mop.