Jul 07, 2022
Hey, I finally made it here! First of all, not only do we have similar concepts in The Truth, but the Virtual Lens? It was only really touched on, but I read that and kicked myself 😅 great minds do think alike!
Anyway, a few likes and a few gripes. I really like the atmosphere you established. Some descriptions and dialogues feel a little heavy handed or a little too on the nose, but you set the mood I think you were striving for so nothing an edit won't take care of.
I did feel distracted by some instances of telling vs showing, particularly in passages like "he threw his hands up in the air, not showing any signs of being intimidated." I was left satisfied by the image described by Akane's dad's action, and it's bolstered by his sarcastic "Yeah, yeah, my bad." So I think the middle explanation isn't needed. I get it's Makoto's narration, but I think strong descriptions will always trump the narrator telling you what another person is feeling or seeming like.
While I mentioned some dialogues feeling heavy handed, I do think a lot of it does a good job of mixing in world building. There's things I would have liked you to get more into to really capture me, like the Virtual Lens, but it is a fairly short chapter. Despite not having a great hook at the beginning or end, the atmosphere and intrigue you demand with the worldbuilding is enough to make want to keep reading for more. I'm just hoping I don't find another major plot point or concept we have in common 😂
