Nov 07, 2023
Your story has interesting aspects that require further chapters to be expanded and elaborated in. I actually am interested in how your Stimdecks are supposed to function.
However, there's so many characters and concepts in so few words here:
Implants, neural deck, the chrome, a spectre originating from the victim's Stimdeck, on that note Stimdecks as a whole, megacorps and cyber geishas, Nyx.
However, that expansive everything is my biggest problem with your short story:
It is a short story. I went into it expecting a tight story resolved in <1501 words. But your story left me with more open plot threads left unfinished to outweigh your one resolved plot thread surrounding Detective Kean.
You throw out off hand mentions of local gangs and Yakuza, and the dive into Vannan's character seems really outside of the scope of this short story.
The other thing is the scene change where your detective is suddenly transitioned from the basement lab at Nyx to somewhere high, from where the city looks beautiful. His character has a dramatic shift, where he seems sick of life and is ready to kill himself with his Thanat.OS Ria.
There was no buildup to your detective wanting to suddenly kill himself before, not even a little. Ria being his idealised girl? Yeah, but that doesn't equate willingness to suicide. It's very abrupt.
I'm getting noir vibes in a cyber punk setting, and I love noir vibes, but your story is to me one that needs either more chapters or it needs to cut a few elements out :|
