Nov 13, 2023
Ok, so I am really confused by this story, I like parts of it a lot but it all feels convoluted.
When you started setting the scene in a war zone I almost thought you were referencing current events. However, the war then just gets shoved into the background completely, at least thematically.
After that your story seems almost become a 1-to-1 recreation of the original Yoasobi story, just without referencing the Thanatos-terminology by name.
Now, I liked the idea of the war setting. But that went nowhere and beside it, your story... didn't expand on the original story in any other way.
Your tenses make parts really confusing at parts, too.
Like I said, I am confused. I liked it, but I think I like your story more for what it could have been had you focused on that start with your character thinking about the futility of life in a war zone, instead of his suicidal girlfriend... in a war zone.
