Oct 16, 2023
I ended up reading it in one sitting, o well
also I think I meant humoring* instead of humbling but I'm chronically sleep deprived so that's my excuse
anyway, here's my feedback:
- I was genuinely interested about hte lore behind the elves, so it's a shame that we got basically nothing save for the info dump at the beginning (then you just kind of repeated it) but it's understandable since this is 'just the beginning' in a sense
I wonder if the blue and red elves were isekai'd as well and I wonder wtf happened to the red elf for her to have a deformed (?) evil baby, or what happened with the blue elves and if the green elf is supposed to restore balance somehow
pretty interesting that they're not native of this world and that's the form isekai'd people take apparently, pretty cool
I also like how elves are evil for once because I'm beyond sick and tired of them being these beautiful, ethereal beings with long lifespans and superior intellect/magic that are just Superior... to the other races... ykno, the ones without blond ha
anyway, on to the next bit
I believe when you say you rushed this because, unfortunately, it REALLY shows, just not with the structure (or lack thereof) but also the sheer amount of typos, capitalization and continuity errors, someone stating something that goes directly against a previous event, etc. so as an experiment, it's fine, but as an actual entry on a contest... idk
then again I'm not one to speak HAHA
aside from this, there's a lot of, I would say, amateur mistakes, such as excessive filter words (she though, she felt, she noticed) that kind of bring down the prose. It might help to describe her wincing when she twists an ankle, for example, than to say "she felt pain when she twisted her ankle". Unless it's a situation in which she doesn't usually feel pain and this is an anomaly, idk... feels kind of unnecessary to explain
another example was when you explained how she "noticed" this or that, and "also noticed" other things. Instead, wouldn't it be better to just describe the things? It'd help more than to constantly explain what everyone is feeling/thinking/noticing because, honestly, despite it being a fantasy world I have 0 idea how most of it looks like, aside from the plant kingdom
to elaborate more on the world-building, I appreciate the intention and I could see that you tried, but it's unfortunately very basic and I found nothing of note aside from the elf isekai thing
I think it's kind of funny that the japanese girl got transported into a medieval europe (?) world full of kingdoms (and no other forms of government apparently) where its inhabitants just casually have japanese names and customs, but it's not a good or bad thing per se
I also had no idea as to what the dimensions between kingdoms were, because they just kind of fast travel between them, so maybe it's like... idk, lots of monacos or something
while the idea of her being persecuted because of the elf thing is fun, it kind of loses meaning when there was never any real conflict between satoshi and the people finding out about it
there was a faint spark of hope when he had to face off against his sister, since you showed that she's powerful and they get along, so there would've been... you know... SOMETHING... but then she just said "it's ok XD I trust u" and that spark died with the wind
for a 25k word story with so much traveling between kingdoms (?) and such a potentially interesting storyline, there's not really that much happening? aside from them yodeling around and randomly getting attacked by hired bandits I can't recall much happening even though I just finished reading, and no, "this is only the beginning" is not an excuse, because there's plenty of examples out there in this contest alone that demonstrate it's not only possible and likely but encourages to have a beginning where stuff... happens?
again, there could've been some conflict with the sister, but that just kind of poofed? and then I hoped the bandits would win since the OP protag had a moment of vulnerability, only for a random character that had never showed up before to save the day
idk, it was weird
I also thought that something might happen after the aqua kingdom openly admitted to sending bandits after the mcs, but out of all the things, it was baffling to see them accept the invitation to go to said kingdom?? like why would you do that
also weird, but they're overpowered mcs so nothing bad will happen I suppose
I feel like a lot of the random plot holes, nonsensical decisions and continuity errors could've been fixed with an edit, second draft, you name it, but alas
at least you have a basis for the rest of the story and that's what matters I guess
just edit please :|
about the characters:
it took some time to get the grasp of miyu's character, and she'd fine, I guess, but she's so anime that I couldn't really get invested or care much about her since she doesn't act like a person
satoshi is a bit better in that regard since it was interesting to see him get interested in history after finding her + he has actual personality traits, even if 95% of his ambitions, motivations and growth seem to have spawned after he met the girl rather than anything else (but this is a common thing in not real life so it'd be unfair to single this out)
everyone else was either a plot device or walking tropes, I'm sorry
again, you've mentioned you're an amateur writing so it's to be expected, to a degree, but characters themselves are something I'd suggest working on OUTSIDE of anime because to loosely bind popular tropes together rather than write about people is a dangerous habit to pick up on (as the same has happened in everything I've read from you so far)
it's not just about realism because plenty of acclaimed stories have "larger than life" characters that you won't ever really meet irl because they don't happen, but they work because they make sense within the context of their story/universe
in this case miyu feels like fanservice waifu no.859656 with her being a cute tsundere that likes to eat a lot, pouts and simps for the mc for no real reason and who'll probably have a scene where he walks into her naked and she blushes, slapping him, sooner than later
idk
I've mentioned several things but I think this is the weakest part of your story
the weird aspects of the world building can be fixed with --> editing <-- and maybe a bit more fleshing out, but these characters seem off to me from their very foundation
I'd suggest you draw less from anime and start learning more about the craft itself, because to imitate an imitation of an imitation of an imitation ends up with... well, something like miyu
studying psychology works more than just filling out oc sheets (since you can do that by basing off popular tropes anyway) but it won't hurt to try different methods and see which one is more effective for you
also, I think that for something so rushed there's a lot of creative ideas you can work with
I'd say dare to use your imagination a little more instead of playing it safe c:
