May 04, 2024

To:SUZU

Thanks.
If you spot any obvious flaws, please tell me.

I am really not a person that picks up things trough osmosis, so guess I'll have to do it the hard way and produce something bad and then gradually fix it through iterations. (And do it one step at a time, so my brain doesn't get overwhelmed.)

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May 04, 2024

To:Bubbles

As said elsewhere, it's fine, your points are well supported.
I shouldn't have rushed the story out first draft with a meme wordcount of 777.
It did undergo a couple of rounds of editing/revisisions.
Probably still not up to par with the medium to good writers on here, but it should have alleviated the most egregious instances of 'blank lines'. (and replaced a lot of the 'telling'.)

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May 04, 2024

To:Yimje Lee

Sorry, I edited and expanded the story to add more foreshadowing.
As bubbles pointed out the twist at the end was too sudden and not foreshadowed to a degree that lets the reader catch on.
I hope the new version is at least a little better in this regard.

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May 02, 2024

To:Kaabii

Sure, though I've lately been more of a binge reader, so I might take a while to pick it up.

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May 02, 2024

Cute ending.

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May 02, 2024

Yeah, definetely Babylon 5 vibes, even if you have not seen it.

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May 02, 2024

To:Kaabii

You mean like every grunt in an evil Pokemon antagonist team after Red&Blue and before Sun&Moon?

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May 02, 2024

Dunno if I buy the antagonists being shocked they're on the wrong side of history so to speak.

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May 02, 2024

To:Kaabii

Without spoiling too much, there is a plot of a cyclical war being fought in the background, by first ones (races), using the younger races as their proxies.
They are the Vorlons (Order) and Shadows (Chaos).
Good show, even when the CGI etc. is pretty dated. Might get a remake some day.

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May 02, 2024

The Babylon 5 approach.
I approve.

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May 02, 2024

The abrahamic thingy has always been god playing against himself.
That other stuff is mostly fanfiction.

Speaking of that, nice fanfiction.

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May 02, 2024

To:Kaabii

He may not have murdered any humans *YET*.
As far as we know.
Unless you count 'Full Self Driving' casualties.

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Apr 30, 2024

Nice. Guess it's finally time to reveal the whole story behind the 'I am a liar' thingy.

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Apr 29, 2024

Gotta Agree with Stew, this works way better than the soon to be omake.

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Apr 29, 2024

I love that the Principle is called 'Ducks'.

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