Aug 04, 2023
Thanks for waiting, Shulox! I didn't forget you!
I enjoy the character interactions between Takashi and Jun and, without knowing what comes next, assuming these two will be the fated couple? I have no idea.
There's too much smiling! 😩 Or rather too much of the word 'smile' being used at once. Surely there's other words or behaviors to replace them!
Chapter 1 so far flowed well, and I knew what was happening without any difficulty. This may come down to stylistic choice, but the dialogue tags and verbal phrases (responded drowsily, "dialogue", Takashi extended his fist) were a bit much. This didn't happen often, thankfully, and the rest of the dialogue was clean. I recommend looking over this and either replacing it with body language before or after the speech, or trimming it to just "X said" entirely.
Good start to the series! There are clear goals and motivations already present!
