Oct 20, 2025
Alright, I told you in the Discord that I would provide honest feedback, and I would not hold back. So please take it in stride. And good job on writing a story. It takes a lot of effort and energy to do this, so I wish to commend you on that.
This first chapter is currently a mess. You have random bolding for no apparent reason. I understand this is a styling thing, but it is clunky, messy and overall ruins the readability of the story. Please consider refining or using bolding very carefully.
âThrough that wound came a gateway between two planets.â Like, right here is very messy. I understand the split acted as a gateway. Make it tidier.
By December 25th, a bit clichĂ©, but whatever. This is followed by âEstablished their dominance with terrifying swiftness.â This could already be established through the dates. You donât need both. Rearrange to say it split, then add they conquered with terrifying swiftness and end with âin only a few months humanity fell.â
There is a lot of exposition. I have gotten this far and still donât know anything about the main character. Who are we following? Why do they matter?
You mention the seven tyrants before even getting to the protagonist. This is like watching Star Wars with the large exposition before the actual story. I donât care about all this. Give me the action and have this come out through other means.
The date of the 17th at the beginning is bland. If the 17th is so important as both the day the protagonist is born and the split, you should really establish it.
e.g. âThe 17th, how could we forgetâŠâ Or something else. Like maybe dialogue. How it is here is just exposition. Works for a film script, not for a short story.
Overlooked one truth? This is weird wording.
Ok, present day⊠what? How is this destined child, 200 years later, going to solve the issue? Like, no offence, but this is just weird, like the person would be dead. Unless there is tech or something that would keep them alive for so long. Which you have not established. I just donât think this makes any sense to a reader.
Your framing of time is out of whack. The blackout. Time passes, âwhy wonât they come back on commentâ, then they come back on shortly later. Whatâs the point of this?
More bolding issues.
18-year-old boy? Havenât 200 years passed? Maybe better to say appears 18.
âHis face set in unwavering seriousness.â It's just bad.
The lack of care concerning the passage of time makes the story disjointed.
By the end of the story, there is still very little we know about the protagonist; we donât even know if he is a hero or villain. I have no idea how or why this character (the seemingly 18-year-old protagonist) is relevant to the events of 200 years ago. Honestly, it has a lot of refining needed.
Again, good work on your effort in writing this.
