Jan 09, 2025
First of all congratulations on finishing! Glad you got through that 'final push' to see it through.
I did enjoy your story a lot, and followed it the whole way through, and it kept me engaged to want to finish it. I think your writing also improved a lot over the course of the story as well. There's a clear improvement between the early chapters and if you compare with the last few chapters. You did a good job with the chapter 28 where it switches between Kokoro talking and the present act
ion. That was well done.
The plot is pretty solid, and I think makes sense, and hits a lot of the logical story beats and progression that you would expect from it--I don't think anything feels particularly out of place, so it all worked for me.
One suggestion I would make to you for future works is--you may want to give your characters a bit more struggle and adversity over the course of the story. Don't get me wrong, you definitely do have that, on a macro level with the story: Taro's contraband technology, Kokoro's physical situation, etc. But the more moment-to-moment plot beats, such as achieving worldwide fame, developing new technologies, enlisting the help of a famous celebrity--those are major events that should be hard-earned by the characters. You should aim to push your characters to their breaking point--and then, just when they are JUST about to give up, then that's when they should see their dreams fulfilled!
But overall I quite enjoyed it. You have a good sense of how an overall story should unfold, and like I said your writing has improved a lot
while working on it. The last few chapters are great, and the last chapter is a very good, bittersweet conclusion.
Look forward to whatever you come up with next!
