May 25, 2025
As this is my second rodeo into the world of lolocore, I won't be able to help but bring up comparisons to robot catgirls, as that's the only other reference point I have to this work, which does share a lot of the same DNA to the point that I don't think it'd be a stretch to say this is a kind of spritual successor.
Ok so strengths? Your prose is great. I genuinely have no notes. It flowed well, you know how to organize your thoughts, I feel like I was always picking up what you were putting down. I really couldn't think of a time when I ran into last year's issue where in robot catgirls where ... occasionally I wasn't _exactly_ sure where we were, or who was talking, and about what. I think you've retained your distinctive sarcastic humor while also maintaining a cleaner and focused style this time around.
Similarly, I mentioned last time in robot catgirls that it was occasionally difficult to follow _some_ of the conversations, where I as the reader occasionally felt like a third (or fifth ...) wheel on the periphery of a conversation I wasn't quite invited into. (Which I understood to be a consequence of your choosing to prioritize verisimilitude above all else in dialogue. Which is totally fine--it just means you might end up with readers like me who have trouble following.) ... Anyway my point is, I couldn't really think of a time that really happeneed here. Now that might just be the fact that I'm more attuned to your style now, but I do think it's more of an improvement in your own craft on your end. So honestly, keep at it, if that's the style of dialogue you love doing, because you are getting better at it.
It's also funny. It's very funny. Character dynamics are top-notch and i've already gone on about how much I enjoyed the various tangents like the Fred chapter. I personally think you should leave that kind of stuff in, if you decide to revise this, even if that section's 'only' role is to be comedic. I think that kind of stuff gives it personality. If it's funny or interesting, despite not contributing to the plot, I say leave it in.
So yeah, I have no real notes with regard to the narration, characters or dialogue. They're the strongest aspects of your work. Which just leaves, then ... the plot.
It's .. fine? It's _fine_. It's workable and functional and did tie up things, to some extent, in the end. znf's comment put it more articulately than I ever could, which is that the story always seemed like it was 'on the precipice of a breakthrough'. That it seemed like it was always leading up to something that never .. quite came in full.
But I get it. Time crunch. Deadline. Pressure to deliver on 'something' that addresses everything you set up. Which you did do, don't get me wrong. I mean, I was there in discord as I watched you try to come up with an ending at literally the eleventh hour while half of your attention was diverted by a baseball (?) game on TV in a crowded Denny's. I think the mere fact that you were able to come up with a coherent and somewhat satisfactory ending to the story with ALL THESE LIMITERS weighing you down is a testament to your sheer ability as a writer.
So I'm going to say what I say next precisely because 1) you've expressed your grievances at not knowing where to take your plots and 2) your prose and dialogue and characters are strong enough that it'd be disingenuous of me to suggest that you require major improvements in those aspects, so ... (and I know how you feel about this topic, but) ........
I think you should give outlining a shot.
Ok ok, before you disgust-emote at least hear me out. I know how you feel about it. But there is a reason why other discord users have voiced the same suggestion. If an author expresses an interest in improving plot I genuinely don't think there's a way to improve on that front _without_ outlining. You could always 'pants' it and hope to stumble into some golden plot but unless you're a literary genius or very lucky, the only way you can get a good plot without outlining would be completely by sheer accident.
I don't think outlining has to be anything more than running 'what-if?' simulations in your head. Once you have a good picture of the characters in your head, it can be quite fun to put them through A) the happiest thing that could happen to them, and B) the worst possible thing that could happen to them, and C) everything in between. Just seeing how your characters respond to hardships and obstacles getting in the way of what they really want can be enough to drive a compelling plot. Or at least from these simulations you'll get ideas for plot points you want to hit. And that's all you need, honestly. Like, I still maintain that all plot really is, is to just get in the way of what your characters want. And how they react to that, taking into account their respective headspaces, will inform how everything plays out.
I don't even think you need to have every single plot beat mapped out before you start writing. I think outlining can even be on a spectrum. But I think it is helpful to have a sort of destination in your head, and maybe one or two climactic moments, something that all your characters and their mentalities and their desires, something all the setup is at least building to, in mind. And of course if you discover that it doesn't work during the course of actually writing it (outline is NOT the story, the blueprint is NOT the building, the map is NOT the territory) then change it! Outlining should let you be _more_ flexible in your writing, NOT less.
The only other thing I'll say about outlining is, you should resist the urge to go with your first feasible idea. By which I mean, the first idea that makes you say, "Hey, that could work as a plot point / as a way to get Alice and Bob out of a locked spiked room / as a cool progression of MC and MC's love interest' relationship." Don't get me wrong, that 'first feasible idea' is likely a good idea, because it's the result of pure artistic instinct, without overly intellectualizing it. But you want to aim past that. Your 2nd, 3rd, 5th ideas will be a bit more complicated, but that comes at the cost of it being a bit too contrived or complex for the audience's tastes. Then your ideas even _after_ that will be some completely insane stuff like, alternate dimensions or aliens or stupid crap like that. And then eventually you'll reach a point where you'll return to your first, intuition-based idea, but maybe with hints and flavors of all the ideas that came after. I think that's the point of where the best ideas come from. ... at least that's been my experience.
Anyway, please don't take this as me telling you how to do things, I'm just offering another perspective on things, and again I wouldn't write all of this if you _hadn't_ expressed your frustration at plotting. And again it's because the rest of your writing is so strong (characters, dialogue, prose) that I bring this up, because unlike those aspects, I think plot _does_ need some amount of outlining. You can get away without outlining and still have great dialogue and prose, but I think story/plot does ultimately require it.
The thing I should address now is that, yes, this will at _least_ double the time it takes to write a novel. Because now you have an entire separate thing you have to do before actually writing the damn thing. Which ... I realize not everyone can put in the same time commitment to stuff like this, especially if it's supposed to be something you do for fun. So ... I dunno. There's no easy ansewr honestly. But I think you would be a terrifyingly powerful writer if you incorporated outlining (to SOME extent, remember! it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing) in your workflow.
tldr - good anime. but i think with the help of outlining you can make it so that you don't end up at denny's trying to wrap everything up ten minutes before the deadline next time. (u-unless you enjoy the absolute chaos that that brings.. in which case ... um.. well, whatever you think works best for you.)
lol.. yeah