Jun 18, 2025
Putting some thoughts here: First of all, I quite liked the narrative voices. There's something very fun about a shamelessly vain narrator like Deliah, and you managed to balance it well enough with her self-reflection that she remains a sympathetic character. I also liked how the theme of beauty/vanity manifests itself in the very detailed descriptions of outfits/appearences, which you also used to characterize the narrators, like with Dali using the chance while describing Eli to point out her birthday present and Eli choosing his clothes based on feeling/because Dahlia complimented them. Generally, I think you managed to depict them and their relationship quite believably.
I feel like you overexplain things a bit. The conflict in their relationship/their differing personalities/priorities get established well enough during the first date, and then you keep having them restate it in a way that feels a little redundant to me. As an example, the scene during the first date where Eli goes out of his way to help the lost girl establishes the helpful aspect of his character. Why do we need the scene before where he lets the family cut in line? That scene doesn't move the plot forward, and Deliah's reflections on how much she adores this part of him don't really shift between the scenes. This kind of repetition can make it feel a bit like those few central traits that the conflict revolves around are all there is to these characters.
I also feel like the switching of perspectives could have been used more to show the differing views and levels of information the characters have. I get that it's told in retrospect, after both of them have had time to reflect on the situation, but the constant admissals of "this was wrong of me to do, and this was why I did it anyway" made it feel a bit like they both basically felt the same way about the situation and each other until their big fight. To get back to the previous example, the second date with the perspective shift to Eli had that scene where he was basically on the prowl for a person to help and then very satisfied with himself afterwards, which recontextualized this trait that Deliah admired so much as something not entirely unselfish/natural. That kind of difference in understanding is great, and I wish there was more of it here.
Last thing to mention is the big fight. It felt a bit too coherent and level-headed to me. There was little characters talking over each other or repeating themselves over and over or doing the kinds of low blows that do come out when you're really, really mad at someone. Instead, it felt more like another (now vocalized) restatement of the things that had already been laid out extensively throughout the whole story. The choice to keep that scene a pure dialogue without action descriptors or thoughts in between turns it into kind of an exchange of blows, but I don't think the blows are hard or fast enough for that to make sense. I think breaking up the conversation with some movement could help sell the charged atmosphere a bit better (or, alternatively, rewriting the dialogue a little).
Take all of this with a massive grain of salt, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I think the story still works very well. I honestly had to think quite a bit to come up with things to critisize (since you asked for criticism), and I think a lot of what I've landed on comes down to personal taste/style (especially the big fight scene). Anyway, it was a good read. Thank you for writing!
