Jun 06, 2023
Right, so I think this is a very confused story on pretty much all the levels.
For one, there's the style. You don't seem to be able to commit to one manner of speech, permanently vacillating between this very casual, GEP/MK-like speech and something that's got this odd, off-kilter poetic vibe to it. I think you should really commit to one style and really drive the point home and it'll work either way. If his dialogue is fuckboyish, it'd be a great contrast to his introspective self and you can launch a debate of facade vs essence. Otherwise it's just all consistent.
Secondly, I'm not really sure 4 chapters in what the narrative goal of this story is, like what are we striving for, what conflicts spark as a result and what is the great impeacher of this pursuit. All in all we get a context and a refreshment of the status quo, but we're not really provided with something to upset said status quo in any meaningful way. The characters themselves, which I'll get to in a second, seem to be these pastiches whose entire selves are relegated to being one archetype. Ace is the flirtatious dude and Emma is quirky on many separate layers. But ultimately, they meet and they click and we have this honeymoon phase which doesn't really amount to anything. The narration so far has been smooth sailing with the only bits of conflict being over and washed away within the span of one chapter. Frankly, I don't think that's very interesting. Doubly so when the whole premise is like a rom-com power fantasy. Super hot dude meets a girl who a) learns his secret quickly, b) already parasocially fancied him, c) has her shit together financially so there's no ulterior motives to arise. It's just too perfect. If literally neither of these points existed, I think this could've been so much better. Like you could've deployed a debate regarding fame's non-ubiquitous nature or how one still needs to work to flourish despite being dealt a social royal flush or how you need to be mindful of people who cosy up to you lest they are more attracted by the idea of you, the means you possess, the benefits you bring. Here, we can feasibly have none of that because of what has been established so far.
As for our main couple... Honestly, I think Emma is fine. I think her sense of duty in spite of being brought up in pomp and prejudice is very refreshing, though again, it leaves her with very little room for any flaws. And when your characters can't really have flaws beyond a facile 'she has to work hard to maintain her status!' (despite apparently being allowed to take time off to go on day-long dates), then that's not a human anymore, that's a fairy tale. As for Ace, try as I might, I can't piece together a semblance of self to him. On the one hand, he seems to be very invested in this whole 'my fame is my curse' schtick, but that one really falls flat over 4 chapters of happy-go-lucky shenanigans that don't really convey anything deeper than that. Apart from the mildly traumatic beginning, Ace is *fine*. He's undercover, he's not spoiled or sheltered, he's not struggling to make ends meet, he's not unaware of how social structures work, nor has any misconceptions about them. Honestly, he's so cool it's boring. It's really, really boring to read about two perfect people in a perfect relationship. Sorry to say it so bluntly, but it is what it is.
Honestly, I feel like conceptually this is something that can be salvaged. I think there's a lot of very interesting themes and dynamics such a story can explore *within* the confines of the main couple and without. But as it is right now, I think you've shot yourself in the foot with how idyllic you've made all of this from the get-go. You've made a gingerbread house with the witch on sabbatical.
Bubbles, out.
