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Bubbles

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I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020

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aaa

Sep 16, 2025

ayanokouji is this you

TORYNTH

Chapter:3

Sep 16, 2025

I genuinely want to like this story, but I also genuinely feel like every character talks stiffer than a Hallmark Christmas film protagonist. Especially when one of them just breaks into a healthy bout of exposition

TORYNTH

Chapter:2

Sep 16, 2025

I genuinely lost it at 'a well endowed woman'. It felt like Captain Ahab hallucinating Moby Boobs.

TORYNTH

Chapter:1

Sep 16, 2025

Okay, I guess I'm hopping off here. Nothing to say about this story really, I just don't like men or otome games enough to enjoy it 🤷‍♀️

Best of luck in the contest!

Trapped in an Unknown Otome

Chapter:3

Sep 16, 2025

I meant Rika, shit.

Trapped in an Unknown Otome

Chapter:1

Sep 16, 2025

This opening is a pretty mixed bag. I feel like the two parts here, the work scene and the home scene, are very awkwardly stitched together, in no small part because of how much they differ. The initial ebb into the story is very stilted and feels like it over-elaborates the work of a product manager whilst simultaneously telling us very little about it. I'm not even sure what vibe to get from Hinata. It feels like she's super invested into getting her product working, then she has a SQUIRREL! lapse in attention span and she's all otome brained. Don't get me wrong, I get it - 2D men are hot. But it just feels like such a forced 180/gap moe that I can't help feeling it's just a 'because plot moment'

As for the writing quality, I think it's pretty simple and easy to parse, which is perfect for the competition. What you do have a tendency to do, however, is underdescribe and overexplain. As mentioned before, you go over some things in way too much detail, but the scene-setting leaves a lot to be desired. Apart from a two-word description about each male lead, nothing in this chapter has been described...

Trapped in an Unknown Otome

Chapter:1

Sep 14, 2025

To:Mugen

I have no other pointers other than trust that a reader will understand the basic things you're laying down. There's no reason for a character to think "Forty minutes left to five", when you've just said the time is 4:20. There's also no reason for you to say your character is staring at the city ahead, then for another character to remark, 'He's just staring at the city?'

I can understand this type of rhetorical question can add more information to the scene. However, you can, well, add more information. In the latter example, Reika could just say, "I've never seen him so peaceful..." or "He looks different from when he's spacing out in class." or "Does he always do this when no one's looking?" or some such thing.

The Ability to Shift Anything is Convenient, Even in Another World!

Chapter:1

Sep 14, 2025

Sometimes you lapse into present tense. Whilst that is okay in certain cases, you should strive to maintain a consistent narrative tense throughout your story: past, in your case.

Your style has a lot of sequences where the narrator describes the scene, then a character's thoughts redescribe it. That technique can be used to show discrepancies between a character's perspective and the 'objective' truth. However, your usage of it throughout this chapter has always been to restate what we're just seeing. I'm not sure why. Hazarding a guess, it feels like trying to recreate a scene from a mental film.

Also, vibes wise, I feel like this chapter has been flung all over the place. We start on a pretty clumsy note with whatever happened to Watanabe. Then the two main characters enter scene left. Then I feel like 20 jump-cut dialogues happen that shove every detail of the characters' state of mind and philosophy into the scene. Then they die and God says 'no'. It feels like there's a very thin throughline drawn through all of these events, mostly because there's no causality linking them. It's always this happens and then this happens and then this happens. The reader can suspend disbelief for only so long.

The Ability to Shift Anything is Convenient, Even in Another World!

Chapter:1

Sep 13, 2025

Arhtroo? More like Artoo, more like R2, more like-

This comment has been terminated as a result of a Cease and Desist served by The Walt Disney Corporation.

Explore, Expand, Exploit

Chapter:2

Sep 13, 2025

British formatting spotted.

Explore, Expand, Exploit

Chapter:1

Sep 13, 2025

Whilst I appreciate you set out to write an isekai that papers over the numerous inconsistencies with the genre, I have to admit that pausing the narration to 'fill in the gaps' is a little distracting. I'm not going to try and essentialise what isekai as a genre means, but my general expectation of things is that it focuses on the 'middle picture' - the adventure in the new world, not the massive conflicts propping it up, nor the nitty gritty details of it all. As such, I can't help feeling a bit distracted when things such as explaining how it looks like the world looks like 'an European village' or how last names work.

Furthermore, I feel like this chapter is in a bit of a limbo. It starts out fine, we get some context into what Enji's new normal looks like, but by the middle of it nothing has been set in motion. We get that inciting spark late, and when the whole orc battle boils over, we're left with a bit of a hollow ending, as if someone trimmed off the chapter before the denouement.

Otherworld BASIC magic

Chapter:2

Sep 13, 2025

This is pretty cool. I have a soft spot for kemonomimi (though I do have to ask who the famous rodent is here... Pikachu?)

The style is pretty nip and tuck, and reminds me a lot of Hemingway's iceberg theory with very little of the same annoying rigidity. What I'm a little wary of is the sudden isekai-ing. I do get the feeling that it's meant to be a mirror of Subaru from Re:Zero, though it leaves me feeling some solid whiplash nonetheless.

As for the following scene, I'm struggling to decide whether the characters' actions were overdescribed (at times, it felt very script-like, almost like a play-by-play, closed captions retelling of what you'd see on a screen, or a manga panel), or whether it was just the right amount of detail. The reason being I can see the intent behind such a structure, but I can also see the detriments of it.

Otherworld BASIC magic

Chapter:1

Sep 13, 2025

The way the perspective jumps around is a little confusing at times. Because you start with Halem and Rua, I'm led to believe they'll be the focus for the first snippet. But they're not. Tona, whose name we find much later, is.

Thereafter, we jump to 2 unnamed perspectives, which I have a feeling are Halem and Rua. I couldn't tell you in what order, though.

Now, I can appreciate that this might've been written such that you try to convey the 'franticness' of the entire scene by employing these quick jumpcuts and implicit perspectives. That's all fair and valid. However, even with that intent in mind, I have a feeling that confusing the reader from your first page isn't the best way to go about this.

Otherworld BASIC magic

Chapter:0

Sep 09, 2025

Weaw

So I ate the Dragon Lord, and as it turns out... you are what you eat.

Chapter:1

Sep 07, 2025

Okay, I know it's been said in chapter 1, but I sort of put that in my mind until now when I was reminded that this child is 8? But she acts and thinks like she's already gone through puberty. Do nobles just get this horny at a young age?

Accidentally Turning an Otome Game into a Yuri One!

Chapter:3

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