A makech is a bejeweled beetle.
I'm just a writer.


makech17 @ instagram&twitter

registered at: Jul 01, 2021
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    Thumbs up Level 5
    Comments Level 6
    Published Novel Level 1
    Published Chapter Level 6
    Artist(Submit fan art) Level 1
    Novel Cover Upload Level 3
    Time(Daily access) Level 6
    Semi-finalist - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2021
    Winners - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2022

    The Grim Reaper of Chaos and Destruction is Real and Can Hurt Me!

    Jun 02, 2023

    Hello! After our conversation I realized I should've come here and give you my thoughts in a more organized way - I don't normally do this, so I hope that's okay 😊

    As I told you, this, for me, has a lot of promise plot-wise. A guy with a dream and a girl with a dream... It already makes you want to root for them as individuals, now we just need to see how things go, and if we will root for them as a couple, too.

    You sliced your thicker paragraphs! This is much more readable, by the way, so thank you for that.

    Now for my personal advice, your first three chapters are crucial to gain an audience. It's fine if we meet our heroine until the third chapter, but I feel like we could have gotten there earlier if you made your descriptions more succinct. You're wasting precious time from your readers by giving us descriptions of things that are irrelevant, for example the first half of this chapter could have easily been just a few lines, like:

    "I joined the long queue to the register in the rowdy cafeteria echoing with student chatter.

    I chose a burger to eat on the go, and I took a few bites as I strolled through the corridors. I casually skimmed the walls with my gaze, sipping my lemon tea, hoping to find something basketball-related."

    The whole thing with the burger is too long, so unless the burger or the lunch lady are important (are they??? maybe later on??) it's pretty much useless information. Of course, mine was just a super quick example/modification, lol; you can still be playful and give us some imagery - like him piercing the seal of his tea, I liked that quite a bit - it almost felt like I was doing it. Walking while eating a burger is hard to relate to for me, but popping a lid? Relatable and spot on :honey_lol: . Anyway, just remember, you want to make the most out of the limited words per chapter they suggested.

    Sorry I went on for so long, I hope this helps even a little, and I look forward to reading more! :bee_wheart:

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    Would You Paint My Dunk