Jan 30, 2023
This… hm. I have complicated feelings about this, especially as an introductory chapter. I don’t think it serves its purpose very well. Your main character acts more like an eight-year-old than a high schooler— he’s immature and very unlikeable. Weirdly enough, I feel the exact same about Utsukushi. Despite her age, she acts very similarly to him, save for throwing temper tantrums.
You attempt to set up way too much in the first chapter, and it doesn’t work in your favor. Bombarding your audience with information is just about the fastest way to lose retention, except maybe telling them absolutely nothing. You leave no mystery to be uncovered, no hook for me to keep reading.
This chapter’s also, like, WAY too long. This amount of information could be spread over three chapters or more, honestly. Your tone throughout the chapter is monotonous, showing a prominent lack of character, which makes it difficult just to get through it. I spent half this class period reading just this chapter alone, which is, like, 45 minutes.
There’s too much here to go into the nitty-gritty of, and, honestly, I won’t bother. I have enough gripes with the concept itself, which might have influenced my experience with it. I still have to read two more chapters to go through with the critique, though. I trust the writing will improve, and, uh, hopefully shorten, too.
I don’t mean to be rude in anything I say, and I hope you understand I’m coming from a purely critical lens. I was asked for critique, not just for a read; I ask that you don’t direct your anger at me for my criticism. I also don’t mean to slander your writing— the fact that you’ve written at all (and this much, too) is a massive step that many aren’t bold enough to take. I wish you luck on your future endeavors.
Onto the next chapter. :)
