registered at: Aug 08, 2021
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    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2021
    Finalist - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2022

    Sep 03, 2023


    Thank you for your comments! This is probably too much to address at once, but I’ll try?

    Firstly, thank you for your kind words. I really…if someone walked away not feeling the emotion in it, that would have truly been the failure of this piece. I think people can forgive mistakes in written works far more easily if there is substance—so at least I have that, before I start getting into all of your critiques lol.

    More breadth and bloat: Oh bubs, if you knew the sacrifices I made lol. The whole Ike village could have easily been a whole volume, if not more. That freakin’ Wasp mountain? Another plot point sacrificed. Beyond this volume? The fox people, gah! I would, if I could, like it to have more travel stories in general too, but it is what it is. Better to have something approaching conclusive than lose myself in ambition. A lot of people got caught up with the isekai elements and neglected the romance, and I was wary of that as well.

    Prose: I didn’t get to address the dance scene, but to put it bluntly I wrote it as an action scene rather than an emotional build-up, so, some dissonance. I literally looked up videos on these moves to try to get an idea how this even looks, so we’ll just call it a learning experiencing trying to write something I wasn’t confident in. I could and should have just made it a psychedelic-sequence lol.

    The quality varying…eh, I told you I would probably do this. The highs are high, the rest is something you can read through with little brainpower. Whether I value consistency or not, is debatable. Where the balance is between overwrought and bare it seems I’ve mostly accomplished in your eyes, so I can only say I think I’ve improved a lot and will continue to do so.

    Ideas for rewrite: So just chuck the isekai basically? I personally don’t like the idea of removing the initial context. That would change too much of what I like about it. I know the falling in love was quick as well—most of it was truncated for the sake of the finish. But I didn’t want them to have a pre-existing connection prior to the story, and I still don’t. I appreciate the food for thought nonetheless.

    I will say the timeframe, overall, was challenging. They could have stopped at 20 different towns and done what occurred in the finale at a beehive and then my emotional build up would be gone 😭. There’s a lot that could be done. I imagine, if I had an actual editor, a lot of improvements could be. Nonetheless, whether I get the chance for that is not for me to decide.

    Telling the Bees