Sep 03, 2023
To:Bubbles
Thank you for your comments! This is probably too much to address at once, but I’ll try?
Firstly, thank you for your kind words. I really…if someone walked away not feeling the emotion in it, that would have truly been the failure of this piece. I think people can forgive mistakes in written works far more easily if there is substance—so at least I have that, before I start getting into all of your critiques lol.
More breadth and bloat: Oh bubs, if you knew the sacrifices I made lol. The whole Ike village could have easily been a whole volume, if not more. That freakin’ Wasp mountain? Another plot point sacrificed. Beyond this volume? The fox people, gah! I would, if I could, like it to have more travel stories in general too, but it is what it is. Better to have something approaching conclusive than lose myself in ambition. A lot of people got caught up with the isekai elements and neglected the romance, and I was wary of that as well.
Prose: I didn’t get to address the dance scene, but to put it bluntly I wrote it as an action scene rather than an emotional build-up, so, some dissonance. I literally looked up videos on these moves to try to get an idea how this even looks, so we’ll just call it a learning experiencing trying to write something I wasn’t confident in. I could and should have just made it a psychedelic-sequence lol.
The quality varying…eh, I told you I would probably do this. The highs are high, the rest is something you can read through with little brainpower. Whether I value consistency or not, is debatable. Where the balance is between overwrought and bare it seems I’ve mostly accomplished in your eyes, so I can only say I think I’ve improved a lot and will continue to do so.
Ideas for rewrite: So just chuck the isekai basically? I personally don’t like the idea of removing the initial context. That would change too much of what I like about it. I know the falling in love was quick as well—most of it was truncated for the sake of the finish. But I didn’t want them to have a pre-existing connection prior to the story, and I still don’t. I appreciate the food for thought nonetheless.
I will say the timeframe, overall, was challenging. They could have stopped at 20 different towns and done what occurred in the finale at a beehive and then my emotional build up would be gone 😭. There’s a lot that could be done. I imagine, if I had an actual editor, a lot of improvements could be. Nonetheless, whether I get the chance for that is not for me to decide.
