Apparently, Making Friends is Difficult...

***

A memory of the past visited me. It was one of the first ones but certainly not the last one. They were recollections of our friendship, a reminder of the sinking feeling seated in my chest.

"Do you hate trying to fit in? I surely do. Having to constantly think about filling in the awkward silences, discussing topics I couldn't care less about, and spending time on activities I don't enjoy. All the while desperately hoping that when I get to know them better, when I connect with them it will be different... Only to be disappointed as you realize there isn't really any common ground between you. You talk, and yet you don't feel like your words are reaching anyone. Like you haven't actually said a single thing..."

That feeling was always present in my past, haunting me every day. Then, I didn't understand its nature, but now, it is different. It was an uncomfortable existence, plagued by the need to fit in with others. I hated that discomfort with all my heart. Luckily, I had already solved that problem — it disappeared when I found a genuine connection. Still, that didn't mean that comfort alone was a solution.

"...I've never tried to fit in, and I never will. I only do what I want to. Otherwise — what's the point of life? Just ignore what others think and only talk to whoever you want to."

"But what if I will make a genuine connection? How can I know that won't happen if I don't try?"

You can't know the outcome before you try. You can ponder as much as you want, but that won't solve anything. That's easy enough to say but going in without any precautions is difficult, maybe even impossible to many. People are creatures who are naturally afraid of failure, which becomes even more true if you've lost something in the past.

"...A valid perspective, I guess. But are you not already fulfilled? Is there any need to pursue a fleeting dream, at this point? Are you... are you satisfied with how things are? Do you still feel like you're talking into the void?"

"I don't... It feels like I've been locked in a shell before this moment... And the words just kept piling up more and more... But now, now I feel like I'm getting rid of that piled-up baggage."

"See? If you're satisfied, then there is no need to keep running yourself ragged. Maybe, you've found it — your genuine connection..."

Silence ensued. Thoughts kept swirling in my mind as I pondered his words. 

Is that truly the correct answer? Is it wrong to pursue such a dream? Why? Because it's naive? Because it's unachievable? Because the hardships on the way there are just not worth it? Are those not just excuses born out of the weakness of one's heart? Is it okay to just half-heartedly give up...? Does it not feel like you've accepted a loss?

I kept those thoughts to myself, dismissing them as a product of my immaturity and childish stubbornness, qualities I undoubtedly shared with my friend.

***
Maegahara Shosei

I woke up as the sunlight assaulted my vision. The morning sun drove off my drowsiness as I got up from bed. As I was sluggishly lifting my body, I caught a glimpse of a photo from the past. It was a commemoration of our friendship. Looking at the picture made me feel melancholic. Dismissing those thoughts, I got up and began preparing to go to school.

I took a glance at the poster hanging on my wall. It was a piece of merch from my favorite anime, The Blooming Youth. It was about teenagers who didn't want to waste a single moment of their lives. They all had difficult circumstances, and for a long time, they had thought their adolescence would be in vain. That is, until they meet each other, of course. They help one another to overcome whatever troubles are on their way. Complicated family circumstances. Intense traumas. Feeling lost and lacking a sense of purpose... As the series goes on, they deal with various issues, positively impact each other, and make the best out of their youths as they create precious, irreplaceable memories...

That innocent and beautiful dream has always captivated me. People might tell me it is naive to expect such an encounter in the real world. That it is born from a desire to escape my troubles. As if I'm waiting for a miraculous meeting to do away with all my issues. Maybe there was a part of me that clung to that escapist delusion... But that's not what I desired the most. My circumstances weren't nearly as difficult as those of the main characters of The Blooming Youth. And the issues I did have, had already been dealt with, for the most part. 

And yet.

I just couldn't let go of that ideal — accept a compromise. If precious dreams couldn't come true, no matter the effort put into achieving them, wouldn't that be the most tragic thing? I wanted to prove that there is no unachievable dream.

I don't want to lose to life.

After staring at it silently for a good minute, I felt my determination renewed.
"I'm coming... my perfect youth."

Today, I promise I will make progress!

***

I arrived in the classroom just a few minutes before the bell. As I approached my seat, I saw Maeda Fumiko preparing for the lesson. Perfect. She was seated next to me, so it was an ideal chance to begin my plan...

"Ehm... Maeda-san?"

As I called out to her, she lifted her face to look in my direction. She was a gyaru with dyed beige hair and makeup covering her face. She didn't have a tan typical of gyarus, and her maquillage, while pretty noticeable, didn't feel excessive. If anything, it was applied with a sense of tastefulness and accentuated her pretty features.

Not like I know anything about makeup, of course...

"Oh... Maegahara-kun, what is it? Something wrong? Do you need anything?" she asked, eyeing me curiously.

"Mhm, the truth is, I forgot my literature textbook... Would you be kind enough to share yours  with me?"

That's right. My genius plan was to pretend I had forgotten my textbook! I mean, maybe there was nothing genius about it... But still! This was a great opportunity to get closer to Maeda-san.

She didn't seem surprised or put off by my request as she amicably agreed to help.

"Mmm, sure... Here we go."

The literature class began. A few minutes passed in silence as I desperately tried to find a topic to bring up. Think, think, think... Finally, my brain came up with a question to break the ice.

I pointed at the textbook and said with a troubled expression. 

"M—Maeda-san, don't you think this question is pretty vague? Like what does it even mean, 'explain the character's feelings?'"

If you don't know what to talk about, just complain about some problem you have in common! The famous ohhh, literature questions are vague, aren't they? What's wrong with them?! will serve me well...

Or so I thought, but her reaction was nothing like I expected. She seemed confused by my question.

"Eh? Mhmm, I thought it's pretty obvious...," she said, and then added, eyeing me in exasperation. 

"Maegahara-kun... are you actually a bit dull...? Also, you shouldn't talk during classes... if you don't study properly, you will be in trouble during midterms, you know?"

"..." My reply was silence.

As she said that, she directed her gaze back at the textbook. Her face was the picture of seriousness as she intently stared at the text...

I've been told off by a gyaru! I forgot she actually had pretty good grades...

***

Unable to morally recover after my disastrous attempt at making small talk, I stayed silent the entire first period... I desperately racked my brain for a way to approach one of the group, but by the time I noticed, the second period had already passed.

"Hah..."

As I heaved a sigh, a voice suddenly cut from the side.

"Hey-hey, Sho-Sho, what are you sighing for?"

"...Eh?"

There was Nakano Akira, one of the people I was trying to get close to. Surprisingly, I was approached by him, not the opposite.

He called me Sho-Sho, but we weren't particularly close or anything. He calls everyone by nicknames and talks to them like they're long-time friends. That familiarity sometimes annoys people, though I didn't mind. Still, I didn't expect one of them to approach me. While I was panicking, desperately thinking of a reply, he — seemingly bothered by my lack of answer — kept going.

"Hm? Are you actually troubled, like, suuuper seriously? Damn, didn't expect that... Still cheer up, duuude! Being gloomy never helped anyone!"

Nakano-san had this habit of stretching out words, which made him sound like a dunce. However, it did strangely make him more approachable. Anyway, he came up to me just because I looked gloomy? It seems he didn't expect it to be anything serious, and his insensitive cheerful attitude would have usually felt annoying, but... For some reason, It made you feel better. Was it because of the sincerity in his voice? Because he seemed to genuinely believe what he had said? Or was it the way he seemed to treat it like his own problem, even though I was nothing but a stranger to him? Finally, I mustered up a reply.

"No, it's nothing. I just struggled a bit with literature and stuff... Hey, the next period is math, right? Listen, I forgot to do my homework, so could I copy yours?"

Here came my second genius (not) plan! The 'I forgot to do homework operation!' Now, I just needed to find a topic to talk about while I was copying his notes...

"Hmm? I didn't do it either. You know, it's kiiind of embarrassing to admit, but I never do homework! Hahahaha!"

He started heartily laughing as he scratched his head, without the slightest hint of embarrassment he had mentioned... If anything, it was almost like he was proud of his awful track record.

Damn it. Was a single plan of mine going to work? As I kept silently cursing my misfortune, Nakano-san suddenly stopped laughing as if he remembered something.

"Hmm? Problems with literature... That's strange, isn't it? Sho-Sho, don't you always score second or third on all the midterms and finals..."

Nakano-san said that as he grabbed his chin and closed his eyes, deep in thought.

A. Moment. Of. Silence...

"Ha-ha."
My dry laugh rang out. Nakano-san stared at me, puzzled.
"...Uhmm, yes, I kind of forgot about that! Ha-ha"

And I followed up with quite possibly the stupidest reply in the world!

God damn it, me! Stop panicking! 

"W—well, you know. S—sometimes, I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me, o—okay? That's why, when I do fail to grasp something, it becomes really frustrating..."

"Ohhh, I get that. Not like I can understand the pressure of having good grades... Don't worry, man! Good grades aren't that important! Just look at me — I am pleeenty happy without them!"

"Y—yeah. Thanks, Nakano-san. I feel better now..."

"Sure, dude, just cheer up! Damn, I'm amazing, aren't I? Solving people's issues in a matter of minutes..."

As he said that, he walked away towards his seat...

Still, I didn't expect him to remember my grades like that... He is more attentive than I expected... Regardless of that, Not only did my lie almost get seen through, but I also stumbled through every sentence... I guess that means 2 misses out of 2. Perfect record...

Ha. Ha. Ha... 

***
Furukawa Itsuki

A smile played on my face as I observed Shosei's desperate attempts to break the ice. So far, he had basically failed every time. Zero percent success rate... In the first place, he doesn't know much about them aside from the stuff everyone knows. Even without that, it can be surprisingly difficult to just cut into a company without a sufficient reason.

It is already the second term, and all the groups have already formed. Changing the preexisting social dynamics wasn't easy when you were the only one trying. Engraving yourself in an existing company is nigh impossible if the group itself is perfectly comfortable as it is.

I was sure they wouldn't mind him if they had an opportunity to get to know him better. But finding a gap to approach them was the hardest part, especially considering he had a time limit.

Maybe his best bet was to wait for the school trip or the cultural festival. If he got in a group with some of them on the trip, that would greatly benefit him. Meanwhile, the festival offered an easy pretext to approach anyone... However, that was far too risky. The school trip would essentially depend on luck, and waiting for the festival would waste too much time.

While I did a mental overview of his situation, I left the classroom. I went to the toilet, planning to continue my observations after. However, on my way back, I had an unexpected encounter.

" — "

I didn't expect you to approach me... Did you need something?

I had a feeling I knew what they wanted from me, so their next statement didn't surprise me much.

Mhm? You wanted to talk about Shosei? So you've also noticed... Well, I expected as much.

A bet? How did you know? Did you see it yourself?

Guessed...? What? Are you secretly some sort of genius who can tell what's happening from just observing people? I thought I was creepy enough, but you surely trump even me...

So what did you want to ask?

***
Maegahara Shosei

The third and fourth periods had gone by in a flash, and the lunch break was already ending. I had several more attempts at approaching the group... All of them were pretty unsuccessful...

Suzuki-san, the weather sure is nice, isn't it?
No way. It's hot and humid like hell. I feel like I'm in a furnace.
Haha, is that so...? 

And:

Hey, Ishikawa-san, Suzuki-san sure is pretty cold, isn't she?
Huh? Ah, sure she is, I guess...

Also:

Wow, Kato-san, you're really good at math, aren't you? You must study a lot...
Mhm? Not really...
Ah, I see...

And such. In other words — once again, a complete failure. Now that I think about it, I don't know much about them. Trying to make a conversation based on superficial knowledge was never going to work anyway... I even tried to bring up a friend of theirs, hoping that would move the conversation a bit...

The bell rang, signaling the end of the lunch break. Everyone started towards their seats as the class began.

I guess that's it for today... I promised to make some progress, but I didn't move even an inch forward... Still, isn't this the same thing I spent all my junior high doing?

I didn't converse because I wanted to. I struggled to make empty, useless small talk, just like I did back then. Nothing changed. It's as if I'd just come back in time, as if — I was the same old me, wasting my time on things I hate... Is it really worth it to keep going?

You will betray yourself.

Itsuki's words rang through my mind. Was this what he was talking about...? 

But if I gave up now, wouldn't that be the real betrayal? Isn't giving in to your weakness, striving only for comfort as you give up on everything else, not the definition of betraying yourself? Isn't that what defines a core of a person — one's desires, aspirations, dreams...?

Calm down. Meeting new people has never been enjoyable for me. It's what comes after that, that matters. Struggling to make small talk and getting others to open up to you obviously wasn't going to be fun, especially with a time limit. I always knew this wasn't going to be easy. But isn't overcoming hurdles on your way to your dreams the way to go? I don't believe there is a single dream that can be achieved without hard work.

I can't give up. I don't want to lose... Neither to Itsuki nor to life itself.

***
Furukawa Itsuki

What's wrong with sticking with comfort? It is human greed that forces people to constantly seek greater happiness. I don't mind that, but I can't accept how much some lose in a desperate pursuit for more. Aren't you satisfied? Why can't you be happy with just that? Are you just unable to treasure what you have? Isn't that the path to true happiness?

If you can enjoy your life for what it is, isn't that the greatest victory you can achieve?

I've thought that way for a long time, and I don't think I'm wrong. Why can't people just appreciate it, just be grateful for what they've been given? No matter how hard I think about it, this is one thing I'm not willing to back off on.

Aren't you merely betraying your happiness — your comfort — as you venture on a journey to misery in a greedy search for more? Don't you see that what you want was there all along? Why, just why?

Why do people have to betray themselves?

I thought as I pretended not to notice the contradicting feeling in my chest.

***
Maegahara Shosei

I set out for the library. I couldn't come up with any more ideas to get closer to the group, so I plan to bide my time and wait for a chance to strike...

For the time being, I decided to distract myself by taking a book to read. Besides, there was something enjoyable about the quietness of the library after school. That something has always been comforting for me. So maybe, just maybe, a change of scenery will help me.

Think. What went wrong today? What can I improve? I failed because I only had a superficial knowledge of them. But how do I get more information? I can get a grasp of their grades by looking at the results of previous midterms and finals. But that's not enough... How can I learn more about them?

While I was busy planning out my strategy, I entered the library, picked a book from the shelf, and started walking toward the seats. Suddenly, something caught my attention.

"Hello, Ishikawa-san. What are you doing here?"