Jun 25, 2023
So you had asked for feedback in Writers Factory. Here's the feedback:
The overall premise is great, and it seems you have been trying to keep the plot just between the three characters. That is great, however, here are two main concerns I see that keep reappearing.
The first is the emotional state of the characters. There wasn't any description that would suggest whether the characters are determined, focused, or otherwise. Establishing the mood of the scene is important, especially in the opening paragraph.
You do get into emotions later in the dialogue, which is good, but there's frequent use of adverbs (which you'll generally want to stay away from if you can help it). Using adverbs over and over to describe a character's emotional state can be unimpactful and come off as 'lazy' to editors. This is because you're not utilizing action tags correctly or over do it to suggest that same emotion, which also happens to paint a much more vivid picture in the reader's mind when they can 'see' how the character is reacting to a situation, rather than being bluntly told.
Also, don't forget that you can use chunks of setting description and sprinkle it into the dialogue every so often. This will ground the reader into the scene and prevent them from solely imagining talking heads in 'white space' during dialogues.
