Nov 26, 2023
To:Anime07
I agree with your assessment of the fiction. First, “Her soft...that soothes my ears.- Maybe it should be 'soothed my ear'.” Yes, I agree, soothes should be soothed. Second, “She turned to me and smiled- Maybe it could just be 'She smiled at me'” Removing “turned” would shorten it by one word but I felt leaving it was a bit more impactful. Third, “she spoke once more” yes this does need a comma, fault on my part. Fourth, a typo for “closer”. She beckoned.” I'm not too sure but I'm guessing it is the period. Fifth, the way the female character was written was intentional. I wanted her to be like one of those carnivorous plants luring and beckoning those into a trance and bringing them to their demise. I’ll say the ending alluded that she may not be real. I left it to be inferred and debated. Sixth, “my mind was racing” There may have been another way to convey this, but he is in a place where he is really disoriented and shocked. Seventh, I definitely agree with the “ Television’s muffled sound” instead of “television muffled sound.” Eighth, when you said “My heartache once more.- My heart ached once more.
lamenting about the young lady's words- Lamenting over the young lady's words
burning sadness- What does it mean?” I'm not sure what you are confused about here. Looking back at the story it’s trying to convey that the male lead was reminiscing about the words of the female character, slowly being persuaded to a path that leads to a bad ending. Of course we the reader know this but he does not since he is so entranced. If you are confused by “burning sadness” refer back to the text where it said, “My eyes swelled with burning sadness.” For example, have you ever wanted to cry, and at the beginning of it you feel this heavy burning sensation in your eyes just before the tear begins to roll? That is what I'm trying to capture. Maybe I should have structured it differently? I would also like to say that I hope and wish that no one ever has to experience helplessness and sadness. Ninth, It is a Saturday, and no school is in progress. That statement is definitely correct. Again think of the female character as a metaphorically carnivorous plant. It lured its prey. All common sense was thrown out the window. We the reader know it makes no sense since we are not snared in her trap but the male does not. She is not real, a delusion, a trap, a figment of imagination. Tenth, I'll try to answer all your burning questions. “What is the narrator doing in the abandoned classroom?” He fell victim to a blunder; his eyes deceived him. He saw no common sense, just her. “So is the female student a ghost or a supernatural creature?” I wanted to keep the reader wondering and questioning her, but she is most likely supernatural. “Why is the narrator's mother the way she is?” This is because in life nothing is perfect. There are families out there that are in tough situations. I forbid this should ever be the case for anyone, but it does happen. It shows his decline in life, and why he fell so hard for her temptation. “The narrator tells in the beginning that the classroom used to have students. Were they talking about the past? Or were they just making an assumption?” My explanation is that it is inferring that students used to be there. It is safe to assume that. If you are still confused because the ending said it was decrepit and abandoned. Remember we are not snared, he was caught in a web of obliviousness to the surroundings. “The narrator is a little creepy. The description of the girl done by the narrator feels a little stalker like. (Sorry, about this comment though.) Then I have done my job correctly to give it the eerie feeling. No need to be apologetic. “It does feel like a good spin off. And it feels more like a horror story than a tragic one.” I guess I was thinking more on the male side seeing his demise as a tragic loss but horror would fit. Thank you for the criticism. I am always happy to learn more about what I am lacking. I always feel so blessed to receive good critiques. It brings me great joy. Sorry for the late response; I have caught a cold and am feeling unwell, but an explanation seems to be in order. Again I really appreciate that you have taken the time to read and find my mistakes. I will be sure to learn from it all. 😁
