Nov 21, 2023
Hello! Before I proceed with my critiques, I would like to talk about my honest reaction to this piece. I liked the ending. It does feel like a good spin-off of the original story. But it wasn't an easy read for me. And I'll explain myself. But first, here is a list of edits that could make it more easily readable. They are merely advise based on what I know:
It's hard to...falling- use a comma after 'falling'
Something better than...friend.- I couldn't understand the meaning of this sentence.
Sun rays...blocky building.- The protagonist need not talk about the building here. They are talking about S but suddenly the image of the building comes to mind which is a bit distracting. An alternative could be, 'Whenever the sun rays through the blocky school building would hit him, it made me flutter.' I used flutter because the tightening of the chest feels more like the protagonist is having a medical issue.
He has such an annoying way of talking- If it annoys the protagonist then why give in to that? Maybe some other word could be used here. Like 'convincing' or something along that lines. Or an alternative sentence could be, 'He has such annoying ways to make me bend to his will.' Also, maybe 'give in' would be more apt than 'bend'.
I shuffle a little from the floor. - This feels a little disconnected to the first sentence of the paragraph. Maybe it could've been revealed earlier that the protagonist is on the floor then this sentence would have more relevance to the story.
His laugh...chest.- I was confused because their was no mention of his action after his dialogue. Did S laugh after his dialogue or was earlier in the past that the protagonist is remembering now?
For a singular queer moment I think he's about to ask...- I think this sentence should also be in the past tense because I'm assuming that the protagonist is thinking about their past thoughts and not the present since the previous action is taking place in the past in the preceding sentence.
I'm such a failure.- This sentence feels a bit out of place. The protagonist is talking about S then suddenly about themselves. Maybe the sentence could be, 'But I'm such a failure.'
latest giveaway- What giveaway is the protagonist talking about? It feels more like a surprise. Their is new information like these throughout the story but as a reader I'm not sure if I need to retain this information for further reading.
surely he'd know that- A comma should follow 'that'
He's the smartest... - According to what I have read, he is dead so the sentence should be in the past tense.
The problem that I found was whenever the protagonist spoke about themselves, it stuck out but not in the right way. It felt odd. Sometimes it was the lack of certain words, sometimes it was the placement of the sentence.
The story feels like a train of thoughts. I generally read very linear stories so it was difficult for me to keep up. That's my fault rather than the writer's. But the whole story doesn't feel very cohesive. I'm not sure what the dialogues are supposed to mean sometimes because I can't find the context. Maybe I'm stupid to not understand.
I did enjoy the little jokes the protagonist had with S. Some are silly, exactly like how it is supposed to be among close friends. My favourite part of the story has to be the way the story ended. It feels faithful to the original story and I also believe why the protagonist would take such a drastic step.
I apologize in advance in case my tone was harsh. I have no ill-intentions towards the author. I have merely expressed my opinion here. I do hope that I don't offend the people who have enjoyed the story. Thank you for the read and always keep creating.
