Aug 27, 2025
Hi Blaze-kun! Work's been keeping me busy lately, so I'm only just now getting to your story. Sorry about the wait!
So feedback. I agree with all the points Bubbles mentioned in the comments. I noticed you haven't made those adjustments yet, esp with the dialogue formatting. The dialogue gets buried in these really chunky paragraphs, which makes it hard to follow (and I’m on PC. Mobile has it way, way worse).
On that note, I’d also suggest you focus on tagging. For example, I counted about 50 "said"’s in this chapter alone (yes, I ctrl+F'd). That kind of repetition can pull the reader out of the story. Imo for sections like the doctor and Seki's conversation, you could actually drop most of the tags altogether. Trust the reader to follow who's speaking.
Something else I noticed is that there’s a lot of dialogue and tagging, but not many descriptions to balance them out. We don't really know what the characters look like or where they are. Even one simple detail (e.g. the doctor having gray hair, or describing whether the building is a dingy hospital or something else) can help readers visualize the scene. Right now, it feels a bit like "white room syndrome," where the characters seem to just exist and they just seem to exist in a room, but we know nothing about that room.
I know I probably sound like a broken record by now in everyone’s comment sections, but the best way to learn the skills above is to READ MORE, whether it be on HF or published books outside of it. Pay attention to how dialogue flows with tagging and description in those stories. You'll pick up a lot just by exposure.
Anyway, if you ever do a big revision (after really taking both Bubbles' and my advice into account), feel free to hit me up again. You know where to find me. Until then, gl with your writing journey, and I hope you keep going with it :3
