Aug 03, 2025
To:Banje
Hmmmm, I'm no fight expert tbf, so only my own opinions🙌. Firstly I would say investment. Written medium fights very rarely have spectacle on their side in the same way visual mediums do - they have to lean far harder on the emotion stakes or plot significance etc - that doesn't land for me here. The best it has going is the idea of the twins trying to be less clumsy but I don't find that super compelling for a multi chaoter fight.
Slime queen interestingly does give that emotional aspect, but thats all in the last oart 2/3 chaps from now so it doesn't do much retroactively.
The fight itself read quite wordy to me, technically speaking your doing alot of things well enough, but theres only so much one can do to describe slime and a broadsword😆. Lunas magic is a little better being a bit more visual, but theres just not alot for the reader to picture - were standing in a plain field, hacking a slime monster ya know. I'm not wholly sure how interesting one can make that, in that sense I do think you do fine, but perhaps a shorter battle would be better suited. I appreicate wanting your characters to have to show effort of course but that kind of brings me to my final point I would make - the framing is kind of loose.
We open in wild west > isekaied, hell hound > village to get are bearings - all quite solid - from there tho, I don't think you adequately built up to a 'boss battle' if that makes sense?🤔. Meets elfs > fights slimes > visits guild > at tavarn we exposit alot, which establishes the twins somewhat and their fatal inaccuracy flaw (also shown during slime slaying) > boss battle.
Now, I do get the appeal of a sort of surprise boss battle, but sort of linked with my first point about emotional investment, it feels like skipping Act 2 of 3. If this was just a fairly ordinary fight that would be one thing, but its clearly framed as a desperate struggle with twists and turns. To me, and again I appreicate tis only my own taste😆, to me your missing alot of 'the middle', some extra adventure, a campfire talk where we learn a little more bout the twins, some smaller growths in battle but still failing, Clint softening on them a bit - that done they return to the slimes, ready and determined to finally crush the quest, only for Boom! Surprise boss battle, their now more formed bonds and trust for each other on the line, their growth on fill display.
Well thats about as rambly and unhelpful as I imagine I can be😆. Dunno if that helps but tis the best I can explain it I think🙏
