Aug 21, 2025
To:haunted-cassette
Girl... I've read so much since...
I've forgotten the names of the characters, but the plot is still fresh in my mind. I think that the main issue I had with this story was with how the delineations between its 'parts' was very blurry. For instance, you have the slice of time your MC spends in their hometown, then you have them moving away, then there's the hospital mini-arc, then the house on the prairie arc. I feel like these could be a little more self-contained? But similarly, you had the Zom 100 bucket list motif. I feel like in the second half of the story, that thing fell by the wayside. Maybe you can have the beginning of every arc call back to the list? You did that for the first couple of things, then sort of forgot for the last ones.
As for rewrite suggestions - honestly, do you think you need the end of the world motif? If so, then disregard my next paragraph. If not, then I think a story like this is far more valuable if the impetus for it is something far less external. The end of the world is an enormous incentive, but I think it serves to eclipse a lot of the internal motivations for overcoming depression. Something that's a bit more subtle - maybe a song her brother liked, maybe the voice notes (13 Reason Who??), maybe another thing that calls back to a fond memory? I think that'd be great.
As for the last arc... BESTIE EXPAND THAT. I want to see the little found family grow. I want that little boy to have more than two scenes. I want the girls to actually, well, get to know themselves more than the handful of cold reasons they've exchanged in that cabin. I want them to... to... k-k...kiss... maybe. (Yes, I am cringe).
So to summarise:
Clearer delineation of your novel's parts (think of one city/environment ~ one part)
Expand the last arc(s).
Maybe drop the end of the world motif.
If you want some recs to help inform you, Aristotle and Dante discover the Secrets of the Universe (Saenz), History is All You Left Me (Silveira), Bridge to Terabithia (Paterson) and if it's still posted on Honeyfeed by the time you read this, Travelogue of an Apostate.
Hope the rewrite goes well! And any questions, let me know :)
