Sep 16, 2026
Felt like pointing out another typo/flow issue "a sudden scream" should be Sudden screams. Definitely take your type whenever you proofread the story later.
I think this one is lost in translation on top of the flow being slightly wrong "You are an egg.", it should be "Are you an egg?" I feel like. and also it's not an insult, at least not in english. Unsure what you tried to do here, but yeah.
"that's what she's been mad about?" should probably be without the been, as she hasn't been mad for long.
It feels a little too soon for the people to act as if some didn't just get killed earlier (only to revive now but still), it's like as if no deaths occurred and they were watching a play that went wrong for a moment. I'd think for now that they'd be silent, still cautious, etc. Not act as if nothing happened and the enemy is not right in front of them. Is the whole audience paid actors? because they clearly need their pay cut.
the whole sentence of "been a battle between both turned into" that whole thing is a weird sentence. flows bad. Could be better.
I also think the next sentence of "what is arthur doing" should be in italics from her thinking.
I think that also contributes to the odd feeling of the writing, bits that I feel should be thoughts or narration being something else.
What the fuck? Ok, so the four witches don't infact appear every year and that's why lily asked at the beginning. But it was arthur that asked the kingdom to let him send these 4 to boost morale or something? MORE THAN THAT however, in the middle of this supposedly DEADLY BATTLE, he chooses to WALK TO THE CENTER OF THE BATTLE? where it is literally happening? And lara stops for some reason? Even if this is scripted and everyone's in his pocket, fucking only Clara, Lily, and Myra being the only ones out of the loop, even then I think this scene is a bit ass. Mostly because what the fuck is going on? Why do half the stuff that happened this chapter/that caused this to happen? The guy did revive, assuming he did die, so maybe everyone really is in his pocket except maybe or maybe not the audience, but still. Huh?
"what they're facing in the abyss" huh? like where they got Tp'd to? if so it'd be "what they faced". Also was it arthur or the sleepwalker saying to TP them back to the safe place? Reading later I guess it was the sleepwalker, but it was confusing for a moment.
So Arthur Tp'd them away? together with him? And I guess sleepwalker Tp'd them back from a bad place they were in and that's what happened originally? Has to be that they wouldn't TP them back to where they just came from.
and only NOW does she start attacking?
"go all of you" we should have BEEN gone, it doesn't make sense how everyone still here ngl. Also Idk about "treacherous" laughter, she's not an ally turned enemy. Dunno, feel like that might want to be changed imo.
"a wave of crows" is not good, at all. Not sure how one would replace this tbh. maybe something like "the crowd was running away from the stage.". yeah something like that.
She gets asked for help and refuses? I'm sure the son is bound to end up with everyone else as they get compelled to get far from the stage, but still, she's already gonna be searching for Clara and Myra, may as well tag on finding a lost son. The fact she refused is ridiculous. Ngl I was about to say she was starting to seem like a better MC, but now she's just on part if not slightly less. (this is because I do not know if Clara would or would not refuse.)
Yeah idk about this chapter. Though I did try including a couple more mentions of typos and such, not everything though.
Anyway she mentioned sleepwalker was familiar, and again no way it's clara, she'd have to use magic to change voice float and do all sorts of things so can't be. So my guess is arthur's friend or some random teacher.
