Feb 23, 2026
I read the first 15 chapters. Since I already gave you my thoughts on the plot, this will just be general writing tips I think you might benefit from.
Some chapters have spacing problems, which make it hard to read. Usually, a line break after singular sentences and paragraphs is best for writing LN/WNs online.
I like the characterization. There are lots of small details about the characters (hobbies, personality, lifestyle, etc.) that make them stand out and give them each a unique identity.
I’m sure you already know this, but there are a lot of grammatical, spelling, and punctuation errors. Are you writing this directly into Honeyfeed? I recommend writing on Google Docs or Word and copying it into HF afterward so you can use the built-in grammar and spellchecker.
You have a good understanding of how theme works, and I see where you’re weaving it into the story. Just make sure you don’t get too heavy-handed with it.
Your style is very dialogue-heavy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, if you focus too much on dialogue without giving enough description, it's hard for the reader to feel grounded in the scene. Sometimes it feels like these events are happening in space. Adding more description of the setting and actions will help (Don’t go overboard! ^^).
Some parts read like a script because of the lengthy back and forth between characters with little to no dialogue tags. You don’t need a tag after every line of speech, but a few sprinkled in will give clarity on who is speaking.
Side note- Is the man in black your spin on Lancer? I wanted to see what you’d do with him since he’s my favorite character (Like ever. I have a shrine). He became an insufferable anti-religion billboard villain lmao🥲
Overall, I see a lot of room for improvement here. If you use this project to improve your skills, you could definitely write something great in the future, given that it’s a more original concept. Good luck!
