Aug 31, 2022
wow thanks a lot for that shoutout ๐ caught up quite quickly again after all haha.๐ First of all, before I go into deeper details on my feedback, I just want to point out that I really enjoyed the story a lot, thanks for your effort and best of luck for the contest. (Btw. In the meantime I was told that Comedy & School is actually allowed for the contest, so I ended up submitting my novel too. Guess we are rivals now haha๐ค๐)
Now to my more detailed feedback: I do want to point out, I dont consider myself representative for the average audience, so please dont generalize my opinions. Its just personal opinions and when I critique something I definitely dont want to state "oh thats something thats objectively bad and something that you should change". Its just my personal view on things.
The setting:
The idea of having a hackers school as setting is brilliant. I did say in another comment that there are some similarities to Hogwards in the sense that a guy is suddenly invited into a school that works very differently from the outside world he had known before and that bears some kind of "magic". The only difference is that your "magic", the hacking, is scientifically explainable which, opens the door to very cool and strategic battles. Actual (non-scientifically explainable) magic always bears the risk that authors can solve things in a very cheap way (e.g. "oh this magic simply works like that"). With your setting, however, you kind of force yourself to actually explain everything in a very detailed way, which is of course a challenge that you mastered brilliantly in this novel.
Im a fan of your decision is that this is just supposed to be a first volume and that there are more to come, because the world that you created bears way more potential than everything one could write in ~50.000 words.
Characters:
For me personally characters are the most important factor when determining how much I like a story. In this story I was a little ambiguous. I think Kayami is a brilliant character and definitely my favourite in the story. I liked Kanaoka but the rest of the cast didnt quite catch me. I think its mostly because most of their interactions with Kanaoka felt either superficial or inauthentic. The friendship to Fujinaimi is such an example. I, again, do want to point out its just very personal: In 90% of school animes I dislike the "best friend" of the protagonist, because their friendship is very much like the one between Kanaoka and Fujinaimi. Often (also in the case of the story here) it feels as if the "best friend"-character was told "yo, this dude over there is the protagonist of a story. I know you dont know him and there is no reason why you should become friends with him in the first place, but uhm... he needs a best friend, so here $50, now be nice and playful with him so that he seems more popular" ๐
The whole dynamics between Kanaoka and Kayami, on the other hand, I absolutely loved from the first second on and I loved it throughout the entire story. What I loved primarely was what bonded them: Kayami felt inspired and empowered by Kanaoka and Kanaoka felt fascinated by Kayami. These "feelings" for each other is a great foundation for a good (not even necessairly romantic) relationship between two characters and the way you wrote their conversations really touched me. They simply feel deep and meaningful and both, Kanaoka and Kayami, can experience great development from interacting with each other. I did especially enjoy Kayami opening herself up to Kanaoka, sharing her weak side, in the last chapter and I would personally also enjoy it weaker sides from Kanaoka would be given space in future volumes.
Story:
Before reading that you decided to make multiple volumes of this, I was a little worried that the pacing simply is way too slow to build up an actually good and versatile story. The story as it is so far is not impressive but a very decent opener to a greater story. I have no idea what direction future volumes will take, I personally would recommand you to take two paths simultaniously and then merge them into one again in the end: One path being drama, conflicts and development within the school and another path being a bigger enemy/threat (e.g. a hacker collective suddenly taking over governmental servers and doing... idk some kind of bad stuff ๐). While (as I said) this voume as an opener is perfectly fine (does have quite a few well placed plottwist and a good storybuilding) I still wouldve gone more into depth. I feel like you addressed very interesting aspects, but only on a superficial level (ethical aspects of hacking, conflicts within the school). It could very well be that, once I read the next volumes, I'll change my opinion on this again, but right now my opinion is that you couldve dared to dive deeper into everything. For example there couldve been a situation where a black hacked into a whites computer to bully him and expose secrets etc. I feel like you had all the elements necessairy to create a touching drama but didnt quite dare to combine the elements. If youre replying to this comment, I really wouldve love to hear if my assumption is correct and if so, why you didnt want to take this path with this novel. :)
Writing:
I feel like your writing is one of your very strong skills. Im impressed by how versatile your vocabulary is as a non-native spreaker. The hacking was described in a very understandable and exciting manner. You are really good when it comes to pacing: no scene feels rushed and no scene feels slow. With your descriptions I had an easy time building the story's world in my head and wasnt bored for a second. If there is anything to criticize, I would criticize that Ch. 4 feels a little useless. I had a good laugh imaging Kanaoka being completely lost and asking weird questions to strangers but for the story, you also couldve simply skipped it. Again, I had a good laugh, its not actually something that bothered me but it feels weird to only talk positive about something ahahaha.
Conclusion:
You are a really talented writer and I would highly encourage you to pursue this. I, again, hope that you place well in the contest and that others can appreciate your writing the same way I did. Im really excited about your plans for more volumes and I will definitely be there to read all of it :)
End Note:
Lol, this comment might be longer than the longest comment youve given me ๐ I wont proofread this anymore, so I hope everything is understable and I found the right words to express my thoughts. Wish you a great day :)
